• Douchebag college kid still yammering about getting to first base with trainwreck former pop star.

• Meanwhile, Britney Spears and the Spice Girls square off for the chance to showcase their complete and utter lack of musical ability.

• Ricky Martin is starting to sound a lot like Michael Jackson Madonna some crazy closeted gay man.

• Who needs the calendar version of Michael Biserta, when you can still get him in video form?

• Ed Harris tries, fails to smuggle a giant butcher's knife past airport security. Then cries about it.

• "Eddie Murphy has been 'extremely disrespectful,' cries morally upstanding single mother, Scary Spice, who was secretly married back in June.