• “Britney was drunk off her ass. She was completely trashed. She couldn’t walk straight, she couldn’t stand up straight. She was completely gone.” Funny, as this describes only one evening in the life of America’s pop queen.

• Michael Jackson returns to the U.S. to hit Las Vegas, home to a former molestation accuser and perhaps his latest attempt to earn an income.

• Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner baptize baby Violet, refuse to let thetans take over her mind.

• Britney Spears breaks things off with Paris Hilton, insists it’s not personal.

• Sandra Oh divorcing husband, will spend date night with Emmy award.

• Brangelina discover refugees outside of Africa.

• Mary-Kate and Ashley spend holidays chain smoking, not talking to anyone.

• Dean McDermott continues to spew drivel about Tori Spelling, People magazine continues to lap it up.