• Breaking: Scarlett Johansson, the celeb you thought had reasonably normal eating habnits, refuses to watch other people ingest food.

• Whitney Houston to auction off remnants of her life with Bobby Brown; used crack pipe expected to go for “at least $50.”

• Justin and Cameron are officially over; Timberlake free to pursue Britney Spears look-alikes while ignoring his real-life ex.

• Mira Sorvino’s kids wanna party like Britney Spears when they grow up.

• Demi Moore and Ashton refrain from doing The Graduate on Broadway out of fear that it will become known as the Gigli of the stage-world.

• Jessica Simpson had to tug at John Mayer’s (grungy) pants for a NYE kiss, while ex-hubby Nick Lachey scored an impromptu lapdance.

• The father of Madonna’s new adopted boy just realized she’s got an unlisted number.

• Renee Zellweger resolves to be a spinster in 2007; plans to spend more time with her cats, less time with her hairbrush.