• Those whacky scientologists got it all wrong again. Katie Holmes isn't Tom Cruise's gay son incarnate, silly. Tom is the gay father of her alien child. [Page Six]

• Does grabbing your crotch usually fall under the category of "getting in good with the family?" [People]

• Forget Santa Clause, Trader Joe's is comin' to town. [Curbed]

• What do George Clooney, Dennis Hopper, and Robin Williams, have in common with Colin Farrell? They all belong in rehab. [Rush & Molloy]

• Jessica Simpson wants to move to New York, but the $4 million apartments aren't good enough for her. [Page Six]