We're not quite sure how this happened, but we somehow managed to miss Wilmer Valderrama's birthday due to some combination of pressing work demands, family obligations, and generally not being invited.

And, from the looks of this picture, Wilmer's celebration was even fancier than that time our buddy got a single, forlorn-looking candle in his IHOP breakfast, (with an abbreviated "HB Ned" hastily scribbled atop his pancakes in dripping maple syrup).

Anyhow, we're pretty sure Wilmer was devastated at our complete and utter lack of acknowledgment of his "Big Day," so we figured the best way to make things right would be to send a belated birthday card that would really speak to him on some sort of deep, personal level.

After much hemming and hawing, several crumpled up pieces of paper and more than a few sheets of balled-up Kleenex, here's the draft we eventually ended up going with:

Dear Wilmer,

Yo' mama is so fat she's on both sides of the family! She's so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace tried to push her back in the water! She's so fat that when we went to the drive-in, we didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet!

Happy (Belated) Birthday!

Love,
Jossip
p.s. Yo' mama!

Haha, that show is so hilarious, Wilmer! (We just hope Ashton Kutcher didn't already send you the exact same thing.)