Do you thinking reading your site can make bad writers better?

Great Chaucer's ghost, I hope not! Why would I want that?

I suppose it's possible that readers capable of misinterpreting me so completely that they think the site is 'inspirational' might find what they think is constructive advice — 'if X is so bad, then the opposite of X must be good', that kind of thing. It depends on your definition of 'bad writer'. The mediocre writer could probably find in my rants some failing they could fix in their own writing, perhaps even raising them to averageness. But the truly awful writer already thinks their work is perfect, that it's the readers that need fixing.

I'll leave with a quote from Aristophanes, the ancient Greek playwright, who said:
"If you give a writer a dictionary, you've given him the gift of spelling. But if you hit him over the head with it, all you've given him is a headache."

What's the deal with the great American novel? Why does everyone want to write it?

When people talk of the 'Great American Novel', what they mean in more concrete terms is 'The Book Everyone Reads'. Every writer dreams of writing the book that is foisted on every teenager in high school English class, and the guaranteed sales, frequent movie adaptations and honorary doctorates that come with it.

There's no consensus on what constitutes the Great American Novel, which leads some writers with Ozymandian egos to think they're going to write it. You never hear debate over the Great Russian Novel, because it's War and Peace. The only discussion about the Great English Novel is which Dickens novel it is. There is zero discussion over the Great Australian Novel, because there are no great Australian novels.

It's also because of Harper Lee, author of To Kill a Mockingbird, which would certainly be on the shortlist for the Great American Novel if such a list existed. Lee is a perfect example of a writer who did the honourable thing after producing her masterpiece — she stopped writing. She didn't whittle away her reputation on increasingly erratic minor novels and getting into fistfights with other ageing writers. But she's also a terrible counterexample: her best work was her debut, providing a convenient exception to the rule that you have to 'hone' your writing talent over years and hundreds of thousands of words. Now all aspiring Great American Novelists cling to the Harper Lee Fantasy that they will magically produce a masterwork, when they eventually get around to writing. It's the literary equivalent of aspiring to win the lottery.

What's the worst book you've read recently? What's the best book?

I suspect what you're really asking is who I think is so bad that they should stop writing.

I'd love to say I wish James Patterson would stop writing, but to be honest I think he already has. Dan Brown's last novel came out in 2003, and publication of his next novel has been repeatedly delayed, so I think I've gotten to him too. JK Rowling gave up about three books too late. I mean, it seemed like Harry Potter was just fighting the same villain over and over.

I'm looking forward to something new from that Shakespeare guy, though. Snappy dialogue.

Judging by the site, you can obviously write. Are you working on something?

I'm not functionally illiterate, and I'm working on my responses for this interview right now. After that, I will be working on 'something'.

Can you be a bit more specific on what that something is?

I'm working on my own Great American Novel. It's War and Peace meets The Great Gatsby. After that I'm going to write the Great Australian Novel, which should be easy because there's no competition.

Do you think print is dead, or just dying?

I think people in the industry prefer the term 'shrinking', like a naked man swimming in cold water.

You can't make the 'print is dead' argument anymore without having to explain the success of The Da Vinci Code. Fifty million people bought that book, in a market where selling a few hundred thousand makes you a superstar. It sold more copies in three years than To Kill a Mockingbird has in over forty years. The problem isn't scarcity of readers, it's that no-one knows how to motivate those people to buy more than one book per decade. Well, I know, but I'm not going to tell anyone, and certainly not for free.

The biggest problem facing the publishing industry today is that the people who should be buying books are instead trying to write them.

[Demotivators courtesy of 101 Reasons To Stop Writing]