Condaleezza Rice stunned us yesterday by admitting her partiality for the Fox News network, and now—in another shocking announcement—we've learned that Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz have abruptly ended their passionate love affair.

They've issued the following statement to clear up any rumors that might be surrounding their split:

It has always been our preference not to comment on the status of our relationship but, out of respect for the time we've spent together, we feel compelled to do so now, in light of recent speculation and the number of inaccurate stories that are being reported by the media.

We have, in fact, ended our romantic relationship, and have done so mutually and as friends, with continued love and respect for one another.

Wait a minute, the media has been reporting inaccurate stories about them? Man, this is just like the time the mainstream media printed all those inaccurate stories about Iraq and caused us to lose that damn Iraq war!**

Seriously someone really ought to commend them for their maturity and civility in this obviously difficult time. Except, on further inspection, the statement doesn't really clear up any of those inaccuracies at all! In fact, it doesn't even address rumors about how Justin went behind Cam's back to bang Scarlett Jo in his next music video even after she screamed at him for eating in her presence! All we really know is, well, they're not together anymore. Which, we gotta confess, we kinda already suspected.

**according to the conservative "crazies."