In addition to scrawling witticisms like "SAD," "DUI" and "GOT COKE?" atop pirated photos of unsuspecting celebrities, the self-proclaimed "Queen of Media" Perez Hilton (real name Mario Lavandeira) has also kept busy getting profiled by the New York Times, shooting a new VH1 show and, apparently, penning syntactically awkward sociological pieces for the esteemed Mirror (U.K.)

In this sloppily written article, Perez's insights range from the obvious ("Li-Lo's been wearing an alcohol detection tag on her ankle - she wants to look like she's changed but clearly she hasn't") to the just plain wrong ("The people around her say she regularly gets high and strips off. Why does she do these things? I'm guessing it's boredom.")

Yeah, we're guessing it's not—although admittedly we don't know exactly what "strips off" actually means (is it some bizarre combination of "stripping" and then "storming off?")

Regardless, Perez apparently isn't finished yet. After pinpointing the presumed reason behind Lindsay's dysfunctional behavior, he goes on to describe Lindsay and her peers in terms we can all understand.*

"Believe it or not," writes Perez, "people in the showbiz industry here in Hollywood are taking bets on which of these stars will die first – and Lindsay's the hot favourite. They live in a world where there are no rules," Perez continues, "and they can do whatever they want.

And when you throw millions of dollars into that equation, well, it's like putting a fat kid in a candy store."

Something with which Perez, undoubtedly, has hands-on experience.

* Especially those of us who used to be fat social outcasts