Lindsay's little black book is looking mighty full these days. The underage alchy has been bombarded with admirers, attracting the notice of past conquests Wilmer Valderrama and Jared Leto, and catching the color-blind eye of record producer/fashion victim Scott Storch.

Although Leto and Valderrama attempted to rein Lindsay in with their best come-hither stares, Storch one-upped the competition by shelling out for expensive diamond jewlery in a transparent bid to graduate from Loser Guy Friend to Sympathy Fuck.

Not to be outdone, however, Kevin Federline reportedly got in on the action, by which we mean he attempted (and failed) to impress.

After Federline endeavored to court Lohan via unsolicited text message on NYE, Lindsay shot back with a less-than-friendly reply, prompting K-Fed to channel the man who ate Brandon Davis and call her a "Firecrotch."

And for once, we've taken pity on Ms. Lohan, and have decided to help her weigh her various options.

Should she go for the pretentious (but well-endowed) Jared Leto, or rekindle the flame with Wilmer "He's Really Not That Attractive" Valderrama? And how many gifts can she accept from the stylistically challenged Scott Storch without at least giving the guy a hand-job?

Send in your best advice for Lindsay, readers. And take your responsibility seriously—the next two weeks of Lindsay's life may depend on it.