As Google Docs told me this morning, it's Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day isn't a big deal, but it is a reminder that when I go to sleep at 9:30pm on a Saturday night–which only happened once, after a long day at a Russian bathhouse–no one really notices.

Last time I visited my grandmother in Florida, she asked me what my type was. Rich and tall is trite, right? I kid, I kid. I don't even have a type. So I decided to be proactive and look through men's magazines to figure out what I'm looking for. What I learned? Men are idiots. After the jump, my brief flings with Details, Maxim, Men's Vogue, GQ and Esquire.

Anyway, happy Valentine's Day!- raronauer

Details

I once went a blind date with this guy, and soon as I saw him, I thought to myself, “Why am I here? This guy is totally gay.” And so it is with a woman reading Details looking for love. Everyone talks about how Details is gay, but I didn't know how gay until I looked through it myself. Even the ads for Diet Coke and Dolce & Gabbana are gay. A fashion spread featuring a man and woman are reminiscent of a closet case taking his best girlfriend to the high school prom. Yes, it’ll never work out between Details and me, but we probably could have a good laugh over a fruitini sometime.

"Jonathan Rhys Meyers is more than a pretty face."

True, but I can't think of a less heterosexual insight than that.

In a way, gay men's magazine and women's magazines are the same: They both validate insecurities. Here Details reminds its readers that it's okay to let yourself go. All the straight men I know don't need the reminder; they're already quite aware of that fact.