The longest relationship I had in high school lasted seven weeks, and after reading Maxim, I’m glad. I’m not saying that writers of Maxim are idiots—they put together an appealing product—I’m just saying the product they put together appeals to idiots.

"The first time I was with a guy, I had multiple orgasms. I think I fell in love with sex."

Sorry to ruin the fantasy for our 16 year-old male readers out there, but this is a lie. The first time she had sex, she did not have multiple orgasms. In all likelihood, the experience was a bit awkward and made her wonder if she would ever fall in love with sex.

"She says: 'Hey, that's beautiful.' You say: 'Thanks, sweetheart. It's a black studded money clip from Burberry. So how much do I owe you for the hour?' Answer: 'For you? It's free.'"

Is this what men want? Free sex with a prostitute because of a money clip? I don't know why I go to the gym.

This essay on potato chips by Penn of Penn & Teller quickly turns into an endorsement of American style blow jobs. Once again, we realize wearing glasses throughout high school was ultimately the right call.