• Should he ever decide to (officially) run for president, Mayor Bloomberg might find himself haunted by all those women he greeted by saying, “Hey, nice ass.”

• Check it out! Another luxury hotel for Lindsay Lohan to destroy.

• First we can’t say the N word and now a symbolic ban on bitch and hoe? Next thing you know, they’ll be telling us we can’t talk refer to Hillary’s knockers as “funbags” anymore.

• Daughter gags and castrates her father. Awww, looks like Daddy’s little girl is growing up right before his (blindfolded) eyes.

• Times Square bids a tearful farewell to “Beauty and the Beast.” Deeply moved New Yorkers say, “Yeah, that sucks. So how soon can we get the prostitutes and sex shops back?”