NBC is a jealous mistress. Among rumors that Michael Phelps is bedding Stephanie Rice (and whoever else he wants) the peacock station wants to draw their beloved cash-cow back into the warm bosom of their network.

Fair enough, but couldn't they find a better program than Saturday Night Live to showcase Phelps? The Olympic swimmer will be hosting the first episode of the season, which is sure to get off to a bang considering that America has never even heard Phelps speak. There is always a noticeable downturn in the quality of the comedy whenever the guest-host is a famous athlete:

The problem with celebrity athletes is that they aren't actors and their strengths do not lie in improvisation, so whatever sketch they appear in, it has to be built around their competitive reputation. There is a term in comedy called the five-percenter, which refers to a punchline that only five percent of the audience will understand. While using a lot of this type of humor will alienate audiences, using it sparingly will allow long-term fans or niche groups to feel like they are "in" on a secret joke. SNL episodes featuring celebrity athletes or celebrity musicians or celebrity politicians have to rely heavily on the five percenter rule catering to the fans of whatever industry the host is in involved in, because the writers don't have anything else to work with.

So when Peyton Manning does an episode with SNL, or Tom Brady, and the entire hour is dedicated to football jokes, it's bound to be a little stale for the rest of. Can you imagine all the swimming/Olympic jokes that are going to be crammed into that time-frame when Phelps hosts? And oh god, that opening monologue. That opening monologue is going to be terrible.

But yes, viewers will tune in, because Phelps is part of NBC's marketing machine, which actually has a hit with Phelps. (He'll also hit Jay Leno's show.) But if SNL really wanted big Nielsen numbers, they would've turned to John Edwards with the promise of reputation rehabilitiation, or even Rielle Hunter, who, at the very least, was once an actual actress.