A Brazilian newspaper tracked down a woman who claims to be John McCain's hot Rio mistress whom he wrote about in his memoir, Faith of My Fathers. Maria Gracinda Teixeira de Jesus, now 77, is a former beauty queen who asserts her and McCain bumped their respective uglies back when the senator was far from ugly.

Although Maria seems a little confused on what adjectives best describe the swarthy naval captain:

""He was tasty…He was a lovely person and loved to go out with me. I called him 'John' but he was my dear and my coconut dessert.

Um, yummo? Well, they don't call him Walnuts because he's crazy (that is exactly why they call him Walnuts). But wait, there's more. Just in case you thought people in the 40s just insinuated the organ grinding without taking off their clothes, because shit was classy, here's Maria again to clarify for you:

"He was such a good kisser that I had to purchase a book which taught me how to kiss to keep up with him…Of course we had sex…he was not only good at kissing but good at everything."

Haha, John McCain's so good at makeouts the ladies be needing books to keep up. This is priceless. Please confirm McCain. You were a super hottie back in the day.