• Naomi Campbell loses her jeans, her mind, and her maid all in one day. And makes us fear the future of mobile technology.

• Our super hip readers take a break from watching VH1 Celebrity Countdown to tell us, (uh, hellllooo) that Leonardo DiCaprio is not dating Lindsay Lohan. That's the last time we spread unsubstantiated gossip. Oh, who are we kidding?

• The happiest news of all? No, not Cargo's demise. Jill Carroll is free at last.

• Whitney Houston gives Natasha Lyonne a run for her drug money.

• Uh, little Hilton bro needs to close his mouth before Michael Jackson finds him.

• And yes, because it couldn't compete with Consumer Reports, didn't know if it was gay or straight, and had schizophrenia, Conde Nast laid Cargo to rest.