• Rule of thumb, NYPD: Next time you get a complaint about an illegal fireworks display, try not to blame the woman with Down's Syndrome.

• Remember the good ole' days when Girls Scouts, Jehovah's Witnesses, and the Encyclopedia Men came to your door? Now, it's just psychos posing as fireman and drug addicts pretending to be cops.

• New York City male ballet dancer loves the nose candy just as much as the next emaciated coke-head.

• Indian Point is said to have highly trained professional engineers, but we think Homer Simpson's in charge.

• Hurry, Hurry! Get your New York souvenirs, discount clothing, and pirated movies before Fulton Street shuts down.