• It may be a haven for rapes, beatings, and stabbing, but as long as there are drunken men in Brooklyn, the topless bar will never be far from your homes. [NYT]

• Need help telling your husband that he's an asshole and you never want to see him again? Try this new 77-page divorce handbook for dummies. [NYDN]

• Where's Wilmer Valderrama to explain that it's not okay to combat a "yo' momma" joke with an I'd like to "ejaculate and urinate" on your daughter joke? [Metro]

• Illegal immigrants, you can trust NYC hospitals. Of course they want you to be healthy … there are floors to be washed and bed pans to be cleaned. [NYP]

• Pretty soon, New Yorkers are just going to be a bunch of Transformers with beams of light coming out of our eyes. [FBNY]