Our Little Port Is All Grown Up: Liveblogging The City
Listen y'all, I don't know much about fancy MTV shows like Laguna's Beach or The Big Hill or what have you. Basically I've spent the last 84 hours watching non-stop Friday Night Lights, so I'm sort of in the mindset to watch Tim Riggins and Matt Saricen score a touchdown for the Dillon Panthers. But hell, Whitney Port arriving to The City is this momentous (barf) occasion for NYC'ers who can now watch their third or fourth favorite vapid faux-celebrity walk around in their own time zone, so we'll be liveblogging the premiere of Le City tonight, which is french for The City, which I've already hilariously dubbed The Shitty. Also I'm a little bit tipsy and it's all downhill from here. Let's get this ball rolling!
9:30: Watching the end of In & Out (great film) and talking in a Southern accent while sipping a Black and Tan. Appropriately, just found out that Bristol Palin gave birth to a bouncing baby boy. T-minus 27 minutes to go!
9:45: Seriously, if the end of In & Out doesn't make you cry, you're dead inside. Also, on MTV they are wrapping up Bromance, which looks just as douchy as it promised. It's really skirting the limits of homophobic homoeroticism.
9:58: First cry after first elimination. I'm way more psyched to watch some Bromance now instead of this two hour premiere. Looking at the rest of the season, it's all tears and hugs. If I wanted to watch that shit, I'd turn to Lifetime. Actually, haha, this show looks like the best.
10:00: It begins. My friend David is already giggling. He's still riding the Bromance high. Erin Lucas (sp?), Adam and his girlfriend. There is already crying. Jesus MTV. Olivia is the "uptown" girl, she hates hipsters. Hipsters wears fedoras. David is no longer giggling.
10:04: Whitney Port meets socialite/coworker Olivia Palermo. It's a match made in producer heaven. For the rest of us, it's hell. Best frenemies!
10:07: Wait, Whitney already knows her love interest/muddled accent-haver Jay? How did they meet? Backstory please! He's making her say "Good'aye, Bob's yer uncle" which I'm pretty sure isn't a real Australian phrase. He's a faker!
10:10: Every time there's a commercial for Real World: Brooklyn, David raises a fist bump in solidarity. He thinks they're talking about him. Nope.
10:16: Whitney is sooo busy during fashion week working for Diane von
Furstenburger Furstenberg. Holy shit…was Whitney sitting next to Rupert Murdoch during the show? I officially care.
10:19: Whitney's voice is super-grating y'all. How do you get past that? If I was Olivia I would scrunch my faced up confused whenever her shrill voice yelled into my ear during a party too.
10:20: Jay thinks it's bad idea idea for Whitney to hang out with Olivia's socialite friends. Because children of art dealers uptown are almost as bad as the children of Xanax dealers downtown? Or are they the same people? NYC conspiracy.
10:27: Olivia's dinner party. I always thought those socialite parties I wasn't invited to were more fun that I was having sitting at home liveblogging these parties, but the awkward eyerolls that Olivia keeps throwing when Erin and Whitney isn't looking makes me think that I was wrong. Olivia seems to want everyone to know she's "in" on the joke of being on reality TV, but she just comes up as an uber-condescending bitch.
10:30: Jay shows up to meet Whitney at Olivia's party after being afraid of "moving to quickly" and my friend David won't stop giggling, again. "Who does this?!?!" Fin of episode.
10:32: Whitney met some other guys in NYC before the premiere took place. Hasty backstory with this Alex guy. People on this show love weird hats. Alex's roomate/best friend used to date Jay. "She's a model" is a theme for this show, as is the phrase "small world." When in Rome!
10:35: Dave and I are arguing about what kind of people allow themselves to be on this show. I'd say I would go on: it's easy money and opens a lot of doors. Right? Sure you're ridiculous but then maybe you can get your own fake-wedding and spin-off show!
10:37: Jay might be sleazy! He knows other girls, and he may be dating them! That is actually a totally reasonable and normal thing to do, provided those other girls don't also have competing reality shows. But we already know this is being set up as a dramatic arc because that is how scripted reality television works.
10:40: Bad call: Jay, instead of laying down the law and telling Whitney that they are both free to see other people, starts squirming and stalling. Man up, Aussie! Crisis averted…for now.
10:45: Manola Blahnik is signing shoes at Bergdorf Goodman. Olivia uses the setting to talk about all her pairs.
10:49: Alex shows up at the club where Whitney, Erin, and Jay are. Because it's a small world and there are fifteen people in NYC, and they all suck. Jay and Alex have a walk-off, or whatever really really ridiculously good looking and effeminate guys do when they get fake angry at each other. Like "lame pretty gorillas" says David.
10:52: Amazing crossover potential: Brody and his Bromance costars "run into" Whitney and Jay at a club and there is some sort of posing contest where guys have to hold their own against Jay's strong jawline and ostensible masculinity.
10:56: Time to recap the night! That is what couples do the next day (it is sort of what couples do the next day). Jay's wearing a weird hat because that is what he does.
10:58 Kelly Cutrone wants to "catch up" with her former employee. Naturally, it's all about Jay and Alex's fight the previous night. It would be remiss not to mention how highly unlikely this would be in a former employer/employee relationship, but hey, it's what we've come to expect from The Hills crew.
Next week: More of the same! Tune in.