Dude, fuck Rick Santorum, and fuck the Philadelphia Inquirer for paying him $1,725 per article to write for them. Isn't the Inquirer going under? How much is Spitzer making over at Slate? And why am I suddenly bulging out in hulk rage? So many questions.

Jesse McCartney was singing on Ellen today! That's adorable and totally norma…wait, is he doing a duet with Ludacris? Jesus, when did the "Chicken-n-Beer" rapper become such a fan of fishsticks?

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After Britain's Got Talent contestant and YouTube sensation Susan Boyle wowed the world with her ability to be conventionally unattractive and still be good at singing (because those two things are correlated?) the frumpy 49-year old virgin is being hit with a ton of offers. She is like Michael Phelps, but without the bong hits. So it was only a matter of time before a company decided to cash in on Boyle's publicity by offering her a lot of money…to be in their porn.

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We know what you're thinking: Is it bad if the thief is just as moronic as the people from whom he steals? Yes. Yes, it is. Pigheaded idiocy is no excuse for being a prick thief. And thus, bald bastard Joe the Plumber is doing a bad thing by going on TV to entreat uneducated rednecks like himself to help "vote out the IRS" with text messages, thereby changing America so nobody has to pay income taxes ever again. What a great idea! The best part? Eliminating the IRS and "the government diggin' in your pocket" costs (ONLY!) 99 cents per vote. Vote as much as you'd like! Consider the savings!

This is called "selling snake oil" and it's just one step above picking pockets. So, we'll say it again, isn't it a conflict of interest for a piece of shit to be a plumber.

Does Tide get lower body stains out of blankets?

Pictures: Splash

Here's your new Louis Vuitton ad campaign, fashion junkies—a woman exposing her ass and resting her face on some obnoxious clown's crotch. Isn't couture elegant?

Via

Uh, those bloodthirsty pirates who hijacked a container ship last week before being summarily picked off by Navy sharpshooters? But children, all of them—a bunch of tormented children: "…Defense Secretary Robert Gates later said all four of the pirates involved were between ages 17 and 19."

The sole surviving boy pirate is being brought to New York to face trial, a process that could get more difficult if the defendant is proven to be a minor.

You know, perhaps there's something to that theory about how poverty, starvation and endless war fuck with children's heads.

There was a period of time in the 90s when Dogma '95 was all the rage. Started by Lars von Trier and a group of apostle filmmakers, Dogme was a set list of rules for creating a film, like "Thou shalt not use anything to light a scene but that light which is in a scene" and "Thou shalt use shaky handheld camerawork for all your film so the audience gets nauseous." They even had a Vow of Chastity!

But Dogme begot Mumblecore, and so now von Trier is showing his displeasure with a complete scrapping of his former dogmatisim. And how apropo that his newest movie — filled with flashy special effects and unnatural lighting — is called Antichrist?

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Bear Grylls is one tough son of a bitch. The Man vs. Wild host has waited in a pile of mud for three hours with a broken shoulder after falling off a 9,000 ft. mountain. The Discovery show has been accused of cheating; i.e. making the conditions look more dangerous than it appears, but there is no doubt in anyone's mind that Bear himself is hardcore as fuck. I mean, his name is Bear for christsakes! So it must have been such a blow to this X-tremist ego to find out he was going to have a co-host for a couple days…and that man would be Will Ferrell, promoting his new movie Land of the Lost.

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Not that you watched Chuck last night (why would you?) but if for some crazy reason you did, you may have noticed a 40 second clip that served no other purpose than to talk about how delicious the Subway Chicken Teriyaki five dollar footlong is. Which just makes us wonder: How long until every 30 Rock episode is about McFlurry's?

You can watch the entire clip here.

You know what? Let Drew Barrymore have her day in the sun. A lot of people think of her as this goofy, slightly quirky He's Not That Into You chick who somehow attracts hot men even though she talks like Joan Cusak. So when Barrymore recently started doing about a billion press-ops for the HBO movie Grey Gardens we thought, "Sure, lets cover this." And when she showed up at the L.A. premiere looking like some glam Barberella we thought, "Hey, at least this is an improvement over the saggy boobs fiasco." Whoever Barrymore is paying for stylist tips these days, we say "Brava!"

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How sad is that? Atlantic rep Michael Kyser and Universal Music's Shawn Costner decided to take hip-hop mogul Jay-Z out for a night on the town at the M2 in Chelsea. But when it came to who was actually footing the bill, the record executives both started to sweat.

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Despite the infamous Viacom vs. Google lawsuit of '07, wherein Google (which owns YouTube) was forced to take down any clips from shows from networks owned by Viacom, the video player site has been working frantically to make some sort of deal with Hollywood. You see, after Hulu and all those embeddable network players came around, the only thing YouTube was good for was watching guys get hit in the nuts and Ashton Kutcher ranting about his neighbors. But now Google has finally solidified their deal with Sony, meaning major overhaul of the entire site design. Welcome your new Alf overlords, nut-kickers and cam-whores!

Stephen Colbert is upset that David Paterson is introducing legislation so that gays can marry in New York. Well, obviously, he's not really upset, but it does give him a nice reason to play the Nom Nom video?

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Miranda Tozier-Robbins, a former American Idol contestant, was arrested yesterday morning for sneaking into Britney Spears' gated community—clad in military fatigues—and trying to peek into the pop star's windows—probably in an attempt to see what life would have been like had she actually become a marginally talented yet rich singer. Community security said Tozier-Robbins "balked" when they requested she leave.

Perhaps the troubled young lady can find comfort in the fact that she's as crazy in anonymity as Britney is in fame.