Less than 24 hours after being released from L.A. County prison, Paris Hilton was finally ready to open up about the "mystery illness" she wrestled with throughout her prison stay.

"The doctors were observing me while I was there. They explained to Sheriff [Lee] Baca that they thought I was having severe anxiety, panic attacks, claustrophobia…I was basically in the fetal position, basically in hysterics," Hilton says of her first sleepless nights in jail. As for her fellow inmates, she adds, "All of the inmates were very supportive. There were girls next to me. We could talk through the vents and they were just really sweet."

And we believe every word of it.

Because when you're curled up in fetal position, hysterically crying and suffering from acute claustrophobia, there's nothing more comforting than the knowledge that you're just inches away from an army of "very supportive" convicted felons.

Also: Nod to People for scooping corporate cousin CNN/Larry King Live and forcing Us Weekly into a hole.