• Paris Hilton flashes some nipple on the pages of German GQ, then finds out her precious teddy bear tested positive for Herpes…type two.

• Gays aren’t buying rumors that a secretly gay Jake Gyllenhaal has an illegitimate lovechild. When reached for comment, a flaming homosexual replied, “Secretly gay? Puh-leeze. That’s wild”

• You’re mom is right, you could lose some weight. New York comes in as the 38th fattest state.

• “Careful, Ashley, stop!” they cried. But it was too late, and Ashely went over the side.

• CNBC anchor Erin Burnett becomes Daily Show fodder. And finds out that the Money Honey hates her. Presumably, because she’s hotter.

• The iPhone hacker proves he has lots of brainpower by working 800 hours straight. Not even stopping to shower.

• Backstreet Boys: Are they too cool for school? Or just a bunch of washed-up no-talent fools?