Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

Besides implements of war, war itself and low-skill jobs, the United States, famous for saving everyone's ass and then forcing them to adopt the worst parts of American culture, is now exporting yet another wondrous thing it seems to have perfected: obesity and all the ills accompanying it.

The New York Times today takes an in-depth look at the fattest nation in Europe, the newly gluttonous Greece, where more than three quarters of the adult population is now either overweight or obese. Another study showed that the number of overweight Greek 12-year-olds has increased 212 percent since 1982. And the rest of Europe hasn't fared much better. In Italy and Spain, more than 50 percent of the adults are overweight. In France it's 45 percent.

Why is Europe growing so? It's all about the food. It's the burgers and the sweets and the red meat and the Coca Cola, all of which have become huge sellers in Greece, whose Mediterranean cuisine used to be considered one of the healthiest in Europe. These days, Greek children love shit:

"Their diet is totally different than ours was," said Soula Sfakianakis, 40, recalling breakfasts of goat milk, bread and honey. Her son … said he preferred cornflakes in the morning and steak or macaroni and cheese for dinner.

For this story alone, Times reporter Elisabeth Rosenthal had to shuffle through three different adjectives to describe all the fat Greek kids she saw:

• "…Manolis, 12, was finishing [an ice cream] cone, a large T-shirt draped over his stocky frame."

• "…he and his wife drank iced coffee while their chunky 9-year-old daughter, Maria, nibbled on spinach pie…"

• "…Vassilis, a husky 9-year-old who had a chocolate mustache from a recently conquered ice cream cone…"

There goes the Mediterranean peoples' swarthy sense of sexual superiority. Let your spouses travel freely, fat, bored, depressed Americans! The world is now as ugly as us, whether they like it or not: "If we continue like this," said one Greek man, "we're going to become like Americans, and no one wants that." Too late, Aphrofattie!