We get a lot of mail. Mostly, it's of the electronic form. But from those marketing agents and publicists who found out our snail mail address, we get packages, too. They're almost always of the promotional form, trying to generate interest in a new TV show, movie, book, or rehab center. Herewith, we document their efforts.

Some gift bags are so stuffed with insignificant promotional items, they're barely worth being deposited into that wicker basket you keep by the door that you hope guests will pilfer while exiting your apartment. ("$1000 off your next Marquis Jet flight" certificates? We're talking to you.) Other gift bags are filled with merchandise that comes with a "Re-gift me!" sign practically stamped on it. (That's a good thing.)

The gift bag from Out magazine's Out 100 party on Friday night was a smattering of both. By "smattering," of course, we mean "a 50-pound doozy that nearly tore its canvas bag." We didn't mind the full-size bottle of Calvin Klein Man cologne or the packaged briefs, but anal cream and a bottle of KY in the same bag? Taboo. And the thumb-size Zirh shaving cream and pinky fingernail-size lip balm are certainly staples for your travel tote, but what are we gonna do with the Pepsi Mardi Gras beads?

Combine them with the anal cream, perhaps.