We had Lindsay Lohan booked on the show tonight but apparently she was already booked…

It's too bad about Lindsay. I thought our competition was Nightline and Letterman. Turns out it's "Cops" and "America's Most Wanted."

I guess you all heard the story by now. Early this morning, Lindsay Lohan was arrested on suspicion of DUI and possession of cocaine. She told cops she was just researching a role for a movie, in which she will play herself.

Didn't she just leave that rehab center in Malibu called "Promises"? I hope you kept the receipt.

I guess this is like the second time this year she's been arrested. Of course, under L.A. law she could do as much as 72 hours in jail. Let's hope she straightens it out.

–Excerpted from Jay Leno's monologue last night, in a Daily News article cleverly entitled, "Deuce Biga-lohan."