WASHINGTON, DC—A citizens' group presented a petition signed by nearly 75 million Americans to key members of Congress Monday, demanding the United States take immediate military action against China after the Communist nation shot down a DirecTV satellite last week. "This is a blatant attack on the American way of life," said the group's founder Abe Saloom. "Some of us lost a DirecTV signal that day, but all of us lost the freedom to feel secure in our DirecTV connections for the future." The statement urged the American military to move swiftly, asserting that many Americans do not know "how they would go on" without the NFL Sunday Ticket package.

–The Onion, on "Americans Demand Military Response After Chinese Shoot Down DirecTV Satellite"