Five years after you stopped caring about the time Winona Ryder got busted shoplifting $550 worth of high-end merchandise from Sax Fifth Avenue in Beverly Hills, Winona is finally ready to talk about it. Not because she wants/needs the attention (again!) but because she's really, really sorry.

By which we mean "not sorry at all."

I didn't have this tremendous sense of guilt, because I hadn't hurt anyone. Had I physically harmed someone or caused harm to a human being, I think it would have been an entirely different experience.

I never said a word. I didn't release a statement. I didn't do anything. I just waited for it to be over.

The attention was what was embarrassing.

But not "I used to fuck Soul Asylum" embarrassing so much as "The highlight of my career was Reality Bites" embarrassing.

And that, Winona, is the definition of irony.