Until Tabloid Wars and Project Runway premiere, we are forcing Intern Calista to try and extrapilate one funny thing from Hell's Kitchen and How to Get the Guy. A nearly impossible task, indeed. Thank God we have The Hills and The Simple Life to get us through the rest of it.

Though, we would like to think by not repeating anything that comes out of any of these people's mouths, you have a much better chance of finding an internship, a guy, a job, or just a family who doesn't want to kill you for talking dirty to their children. The top five bites are after the jump … read and learn.

10. "I like when people say I'm, like, a nice person and I'm funny and you know, it's not about looks. It's about what's on the inside." - Paris Hilton, The Simple Life: 'Til Death Do Us Part

9. "It's hard too when you're going on so many dates and then you forget, like, who's who and like, 'What's your name?'" -Kris makes us wonder why she's on this show, How to Get the Guy

8. "Hey, I might be an idiot as a person, but I'm a damn good chef." - Sara showing just how dumb she is by opening her mouth, Hell's Kitchen

7. "Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free? Why buy the - what is it?!" - Kathy Hilton shows us how Paris became so mentally challenged…, The Simple Life

6. "I'm actually gonna invite my guy out for a steak, so I can tell him what happened in the 80s… Just to bring him up to date!" - Michelle tells us her secret to never getting a date, How to Get the Guy

5. "He's lucky I signed the thing saying I wouldn't, I would never touch anybody here." - Tom gets violent, Hell's Kitchen

4. "Wasn't [Bosquet] like crazy, though? Didn't he kill himself? Do you think you're headed down that road? -Alissa, How to Get the Guy

3. "Is this candy or is this you?" -Nicole Richie not only being nasty, but actually tasting a Blow Pop, The Simple Life

2. "Drink water upside down and put a pencil in your mouth." -Heidi's solution to getting rid of the hiccups places her genius in the ranks of Princess Paris, The Hills

1. "The view of your [ass]crack to table seven is not appealing." -Chef Ramsey to Keith, Hell's Kitchen