Ah, the Australian Scrooge McDuck. Do you ever wonder about what you would say to 77-year-old Rupert Murdoch if you were ever in the same room as him? Well, now Esquire graciously provides you with a list of insightful soundbites from the man himself without the nagging context of "questions" from the reporter, meaning you can just insert your liberal hippie rant into one of the spaces in the margins and then choose whichever sad, callow response best suits the topic at hand:

• Rupert Murdoch, don't you think owning MySpace conflicts with your stake in Fox News and The Wall Street Journal, insomuch that social networking sites maybe shouldn't have a political leaning unless they clearly state that as the site's intention?

It's a libel to say that I use my newspapers to support my other business interests. The fact is, I haven't got any other business interests.

• How is the Bill O'Reilly/Keith Olbermann's dichotomy affecting your relationship with MSNBC?

Keith Olbermann is trying to make a business out of destroying Bill O'Reilly. He's done certain things to Bill O'Reilly that I believe were way over the line. I think that's bad behavior. But it's okay for him to criticize Bill. And Bill shouldn't be so sensitive. He should ignore that.

• So how do you really feel about Lou Dobbs, Mr. Murdoch?

I'm totally pro-immigration, though it would be nice if you could pick and choose your immigrants. I haven't made up my mind about this, but I rather like the idea that you don't get citizenship until you can speak English. You still want to have a homogeneous society. People who don't speak English, now and for a long time to come, are going to be at a disadvantage.

If you look at how we've assimilated Muslims in this country, it's basically pretty good. I wouldn't say perfect. But it's great compared to, say, Britain. And Britain is great compared to France, where they get shoved into a ghetto.

• How does it feel to be getting up there, age-wise? Any grim thoughts of the specter of death or ill-health looming over your head?

So long as I can stay mentally alert — inquiring, curious — I want to keep going. I love my wife and my children, but I don't want to sit around at home with them. We go on safaris and things like that. I can do that for a couple of weeks a year. I'm just not ready to stop, to die. Somebody talked me into writing an autobiography about six or seven years ago. And I said I'd try. We talked into a tape recorder, and after a couple of months, I said, To hell with it. I was so depressed. It was like saying, "This is the end."