You ever notice how, anytime there's a really twisted movie, a violent video game or a new underground trend, there's always some stupid kid who comes along and ruins it for everyone else? You know, like those teenage girls who fell into a life of prostitution after seeing Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.* Or those juvenile delinquents who got caught busting cars and attributed all the blame to Grand Theft Auto.

Now, it's all well and good to claim you were stealing cars because you saw it in a video game and thought it looked cool, but we all know that's not what really happened.

In all likelihood, you got caught stealing cars because, well, you're a criminal—the kind who steals shit. And because, by the time you were ten years old, you already knew how to hot-wire the ignition, strip the car down and hock all the sellable parts in under 30 minutes flat.

But now, thanks to your incessant whining, a bunch of crazy parents have decided their kids shouldn't be exposed to games like Grand Theft Auto. Or movies like Trainspotting. Or Janet Jackson's right nipple. Because then you might think violence, drugs or nudity were all acceptable forms of adolescent behavior. Which means you're about two seconds away from robbing a liquor store, hitting up your friendly, neighborhood crack dealer, or sleeping with every guy in high school, because Sex and the City and Nelly Furtado taught you that it's alright to be promiscuous.

And now, not long after Don Imus' racial slur hit the airwaves, those nervous Nellies over at the Motion Picture Association of America have found yet another surefire way to protect our country's youth. They're going to systematically eliminate any/all movies that "glamorize" smoking by automatically assigning them an R rating, regardless of the film's storyline or content.

Portrayals of smoking [will] be considered alongside sex and violence in assessing the suitability of movies for young viewers. Films that appear to glamorize smoking will risk a more restrictive rating, and descriptions of tobacco use will be added to the increasingly detailed advisories that accompany each rated film.

Because once smoking is—for all intents and purposes—banned from the big screen, there's absolutely no way your impressionable teen will ever be inclined to puff away.

Next step: getting rid of everything glamorizing alcohol, drugs, sex before marriage, unemployment, car-jacking and gay marriage, then start censoring the press for any references to race, class, ethnicity or "Mission Accomplished."

And, in the meantime, thank you for not smoking.

*This may or may not have happened.