This introduction video is one of at least a few versions Scientology hopefuls screen before they're led to an E-Meter and asked to fill out their bank routing and account numbers. It was shot by an operative with a handicam, and show's the Church's logic at its best: "If you leave this room after seeing this film, and walk out, and never mention Scientology again, you are perfectly free to do so. It would be stupid, but you could do it. You can also dive off a bridge and blow your brains out, that is your choice. But if you don't walk out that way, if you continue with Scientology, we will be very happy with you, and you will be very happy with you."

At the very least, we'll commend the host's script for being nothing but concise: Joining Scientology is a decision you're free to make, but so is, of course, diving off a bridge and blowing your brains out.

They're all about options over there.

We are here to help you on the trail that leads up. If you fall off, we'll try to help put you back on. But it is up to you. It is how you use it that counts. For you are the one that counts.

If you leave this room after seeing this film, and walk out, and never mention Scientology again, you are perfectly free to do so. It would be stupid, but you could do it. You can also dive off a bridge and blow your brains out, that is your choice. But if you don't walk out that way, if you continue with Scientology, we will be very happy with you, and you will be very happy with you.

You will have proven you are a friend of yours. We here in this Zorg are just doormen to the great highway found and built by Ron into a better future … [video garbles]