“Melt Off The Pounds!” proclaims Self magazine. “Shrink in 6 Days! Moves That Practically Do The Work For You.”

Out of curiosity, does one of those so-called “moves” happen to be, oh, 4-5 hours of Photoshop?

No?

Well then, congratulations are in order, because—apparently—our glowing, rosie-cheeked perfectly toned Lumpty Lady has inadvertently stumbled upon the fountain of youth.

And we say, good for her!

After all, who could have ever predicted that the secret recipe for luminous skin and a tight, flat tummy would turn out to be copious amounts of alcohol, coupled with a strict crystal meth diet, an inexplicable aversion to panties and shitty song lyrics that make no sense?