Holy crap! Stop everything! Somebody is actually reporting something on Jeffrey Epstein.

You remember Epstein, right? The guy who was accused of running a sex ring/"petting zoo" of 16-year-olds in his house? Lots of vibrators, one instance of rape, money flying everywhere … ring a bell? Well, we just figured since absolutely nobody besides the Palm Beach Post is reporting on this, you may not have heard about it. And now we know why.

Now the former partner of Mort Zuckerman in Radar magazine is repped by a Dream Team of lawyers - Alan Dershowitz, Roy Black, Jack Goldberger and Gerald Lefcourt - plus p.r. gurus Howard Rubenstein and Dan Klores. Goldberger is discrediting some of Epstein's accusers as untrustworthy drug-abusers and local cops as "childish."

He told the Palm Beach Post, "These women are liars. We've established that."

We'd assume Epstein's BFF Mort Zuckerman would be keeping this shit out of his Daily News … but we had no idea Rubenstein and Klores had such pull over at the New York Times that they could twist the nation's paper into completely ignoring such a big story. (Well, anyways, that's just one of our theories.)

Oh, and since nobody else will, may we ask "who and how" Epstein's accusers were "established" as liars? Like, his lawyer said it, so it's true? We've always been a huge fan of that logic, especially when it comes to rich people and/or sexual assault.

BILLIONAIRE'S DEFENSE ARMY [Page Six]