The remaining dozen people watching the CBS Evening News are, based on the broadcast’s ads, “impotent and incontinent.” And like seniors in an old folks home, it’d probably be better just to put ‘em down.

THE NEWS SHOW! Not the elderly viewers. That would be cruel and unnecessary.

Actually, argues newlywed Troy Patterson, the entire CBS News division must go. That means The Early Show, 60 Minutes, CBS Sunday Morning, and Katie Couric’s $15 million stage. Whether they outsource the thing to CNN as was originally discussed or just throw it off the side of the cliff, hunker down, and pray for daylight, Les Moonves must. give. up.

A brief word about CBS Sunday Morning: While it is obvious that this network’s coverage and presentation of current events is geared toward old people, the target audience of Charles Osgood’s show seems to be already dead—peacefully so. There was, last time around, some tranquil nature footage. Also, a profile of crooner Michael Bublé that refused to stint on clichés. (”The other thing Bublé won’t change,” he says “is being himself, outspoken and open.”) Ben Stein, the actor and economist, came on to do a commentary on the mortgage crisis in which he argued that federal funds should be devoted to aiding the dogs and cats disadvantaged by the fallout. Either this was exquisitely subtle satire, or everyone involved with the segment has lost his mind.