Seems like every time we go to the drugstore these days, we're bombarded with glossy celebrity weeklies shouting unsubstantiated rumors about Hollywood's finest. Seriously, we're not there to check out pics of Britney's vagina or Nicole's DUI, we're just trying to fill our prescription and get something to finally relieve that awful itching, burning—well, you get the point.

What we're trying to say is, when exactly did all of this obsession with celebrity culture really begin? Well, we've been racking our brains (and brushing up on the latest issue of the Christian Science Monitor) and voila! We've finally figured it out.

People aren't reading about Paris Hilton's venereal diseases or the Justin/Cameron breakup because they're interested. It's just their crazy way of coping from all the residual post-traumatic stress left over from 9/11! As the CSM reports:

Focusing on all things celebrity is also a form of release for many people. Ken Baker, West Coast executive editor for "US Weekly" magazine, looks back to Sept. 11 as a pivotal point, the dawn of a supposed new age of sincerity.

"[Readers] didn't go away from escaping. They embraced escaping," says Mr. Baker. "I'm not a sociologist, I'm a celebrity journalist. I don't know its cause and effect. I don't know if you can tie it to 9/11, but that's when our business took off."

And, besides the self-confessed 'un-expert,' CSM offers us even more evidence of this iron-clad cause-and-effect theory: celebrity journalism is "one of the few sectors not being hammered by the Internet."

Ahh, we knew there was a reason that exploitive celebrity crap was so damn successful! Because really, as a society, we're not actually so stupid as to think American Idol actually passes for decent entertainment. We're just trying to escape from our preemptive fears about the next wave of terrorist attacks. And so, to recap, we've broken down a quick list to remind you exactly who (or what) is really behind some of your favorite celebrity mags/shows:

Us Weekly: The terrorists.
Dirt: Axis of Evil.
Star Magazine: Al-Qaeda
In Touch: 9/11.
PerezHilton: Osama bin Laden.

And there you have it.