In between opening his porn spam and calling one woman a “manic dirty bus person with a blanket at a bus stop,” Simon Dumenco thanks his readers.

Thanks them for reading, for correcting him, for agreeing that the Tom Ford Vanity Fair cover was a disgrace, and for helping him get laid. Each paragraph focuses on a different topic than the one which came before, and he really hits all his bases.

• His column’s ironic obsession with celebrity swag bags
• The Simple Life
• Simple Media Pleasure nominations
• A YouTube video of an undated medley/duet wherein David Bowie and Cher rock out
• Kurt Andersen
• The Saturday Night Live Roseanne Roseannadanna vs. Emily Litella conflict
• Wikipedia

Then he says something about bloggers who natter on endlessly and cluelessly about random stuff, and can’t help him (or you) get laid.

So, the real question is: will Simon’s column help anyone get laid? We don’t think so. If he really appreciated his readers he might offer up advice on getting some, like “steal a pheromone machine from Pink Elephant and drug your date.”

IT’S MEDIA GUY RAW! [Simon Dumenco, Ad Age]