Ladies! Are you single, desperate and hankering for a one night stand? If so, let post-feminist feminist Julia Allison tell you how to land a man (or at least how to straddle him and demand that he buy you overpriced shoes in exchange for sexual relations) in her article in this month's Cosmo, entitled "Max Out Your Sex Appeal" in just 13 easy steps.

A few of her best tips:

"When you get bored with your usual date-night jeans and sexy shirt," advises Julia, "go all Ivanka Trump—a classic black suit with only a lace bra underneath and red heels. If you've got it…yow."

And if you don't? Who cares, at least he'll know you're easy!

Meanwhile, other gems include channeling LiLo ("One word: Commando") treating your man like a piece of meat ("make a big show of taking a camera-phone pic of him sans shirt, then letting him 'catch' you admiring it") and "mastering a game in which you can soundly kick a guy's ass…all while wearing short shorts."

Our favorite, however, is the part where she advises clueless Cosmo readers to dress up like the Pussycat Dolls at the gym. Because nothing says "marriage material" like a skintight lycra catsuit, three pounds of makeup and hair extensions. Right, Julia?