• Oprah is accused of hating black people; presumably because someone had her confused with Don Imus.
• The Simpsons to air its 400th episode on Sunday; Comic Book Guy preemptively deems it the "Worst. Episode. Ever."
• Fab Moretti is back on the singles market, working on his "stroke."
• Prince Harry disappointed to find out he won't be deployed to Iraq; livid to hear he's temporarily banned from nightclubs.
• Foxy Brown faces up to a year in jail, which means we can look forward to her reality show as early as Fall, 2009.
• Newly divorced couple Ryan Philippe and Reese Witherspoon request joint custody of their two children; Janice Min reportedly "outraged" by their maturity and tact.
Earlier, we told you Page Six had taken a preemptive strike at former freelancer Jared Paul Stern in a lengthy item entitled "Lies & Smears Aimed At The Post." Despite the fact that, as recently as four months ago, the very same column attempted to cast Stern as a martyr, today they opted to actively discredit him, addressing his defamatory allegations—and the incendiary Ian Spiegelman email—head on, and contesting the litany of charges in advance of the upcoming court battle.
And though the Posties predictably brushed aside most of the charges and as complete and utter falsehoods, they did, however, acknowledge that, on one regrettable occasion, Page Six's Richard Johnson made a "grave mistake" in accepting a $1,000 gift from restaurateur Nello Balan back in 1997, and they offer a prompt (albeit rather vague) apology for this transgression.
Following this morning's testimonial in the NYP, The Smoking Gun re-examined the circumstances surrounding the Payola Six scandal, and questioned whether or not their apology addressed all of the relevant facts.
• A woman falls into a pit after the sidewalk grill gives way. Fortunately, there was an electrified power vault right there to cushion her fall.
• An old man was found beaten to death in his longtime residence on the Upper East Side; his loved ones gathered to mourn the loss of this amazing, rent-controlled apartment.
• DWI arrests have risen 123%. Damn you, Long Island!
• A woman tosses a baby carriage into the Hudson river. Related: Britney Spears' loses "Worst Mother" award.
• According to the latest test scores, the majority of city school kids are failing Social Studies. When reached for comment, a somber Mayor Bloomberg begged them not to go on Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?
• Pam Anderson is a first class flier. If by "first class" you mean Stripperella.
• Finally, an explanation for why Val Kilmer gives everyone the heebie-jeebies.
• Mischa Barton leaves little to the imagination; proves she truly was too classy for the likes of The O.C.
• We want the number of Britney Spears' fake hairstylist. And no, it's not because we want to schedule an appointment.
• Adam Sandler, in Big Daddy the sequel. Thankfully, in this version the kid is toilet-trained.
• Perez is claiming John Mayer and Jessica Simpson have called their inexplicable relationship quits.
Do you have to be sexy to be a hit female pop star these days? 'Yes!' says CNN, citing Beyonce, Gwen Stefani and the untalented (but svelte!) Pussycat Dolls as evidence. However, they note that certain singers may have somehow infiltrated the Top 40 list despite having, say, less than perfect looks.
Congratulations, Amy Winehouse! You truly have succeeded against all odds.
Today, some of our nation's finest discuss the three lesser known aspects of the American Dream: fights, freaks and porn. On hand to make sense of it all is the indefatiguable Intern Wendy, who chronicles everything from Joe Scarborough's caffeine addiction to Dennis Miller's midget fetish to Danny Bonaduce's idea of divine justice. Enjoy!
• “I‘m going to let you guys go at it. I‘m going to just have a little bit of Starbucks.” Joe Scarborough, not letting a spontanoues round of fisticuffs interrupt his decaf grande no-foam half-soy latte, Scarborough Country, May 14
• “If you want to interview a midget crackhead, fine.” Dennis Miller, approving next week's guestlist, The O’Reilly Factor, May 16
• “I mean, you could just smell the mustiness of that rhetoric. I mean, it turns me on still.” Tucker Carlson, showing off his "kinky" side, Tucker, May 16
• “It gives me chills. There is something faintly obscene about Fudgie the Whale.” Tucker Carlson, exploring the dark side of a Carvel ice cream cake, Tucker, May 16
• “Britney, I really do think—I don‘t think she fits in the Lindsay Lohan category. I barely think she fits into a category. As a matter of fact, I think they should just free Paris Hilton and shoot Lindsay Lohan and just call it a draw.” Danny Bonaduce, solving the world's pop tart crisis once and for all, Scarborough Country, May 16
• Anne Heche's future ex-hubby describes her as "delusional." Shocking! Until we remembered Anne's autobiography (entitled Call Me Crazy) in which she admitted to having an alter-ego named "Celestia," who was the half-sibling of Jesus. Yeah...
• At the Maxim Hot 100 party, Ice T and his stripper wife discover they're officially less important than Hilary and Hayley Duff. Ouch.
• Michael Moore almost (but not quite!) convinces us that he's a good samaritan.
• Rosie O'Donnell attempts to win over Bob Barker (and steal his hosting gig) by challenging him to a one-on-one Plinko game. Kinky!
• Rapper Nas demands KFC, Snapple, blackberries and three BMW X5 4x4's at every show. Which we totally get. Except for the blackberries.
You probably know Jared Paul Stern as the disgraced Page Six freelancer who was fired after extorting Ron Burkle back in 2006. Yes, as we all know, Stern was eventually cleared of all charges, though he was generally recognized by everyone (except those in danger of being named in his defamation suit) as a guilty ass, who skated free due to a lack of evidentiary support.
Indeed, back in January, the Post was quick to gloat over Stern's exoneration, brazenly skewering the Daily News for jumping to premature conclusions about his guilt, denying rumors of any quid pro quo arrangements at the Page Six and preemptively defending Stern as though their lives—and corporate bank accounts—depended on it.
• Elizabeth Spiers discusses what she would do as acting president of Time Inc. Better still, it's not part of her infamous stand-up comedy routine!
• Time Warner president may be in trouble for quietly covering up HBO prez's habit of accidentally choking the women he's screwing.
• Ron Burkle is now in another bidding war. For Stuff magazine. Seriously.
• Calling CollegeHumor "sophomoric" is like calling McDonald's "greasy." You know, because both are so delicious—in a low-brow, cheap thrills kinda way.
• Don Imus is just itching to jump back in the insult-radio saddle.
• Greta Van Susteren follows Rudy G.'s lead, challenges the Dems to debate on the fair and unbiased Fox network.
Have you heard the news? Graydon Carter is getting the Hollywood treatment, and the actor slated to portray the Vanity Fair chieftain, Bono-hugging, elitist restaurant opening editor-in-chief is none other than Jeff Bridges.
Vanity Fair editor in chief Graydon Carter's love of Hollywood is about to undergo a new test: Jeff Bridges will play Carter, renamed Clayton Harding, in the film adaptation of onetime Vanity Fair contributor Toby Young's book, "How to Lose Friends and Alienate People." The book depicted Young himself as status-obsessed and wildly inept, even as it skewered the New York media and celebrity scenes.
Ah, we can picture it now.
Earlier this week, members of the Defense Department announced that—effective as of Monday—soldiers stationed overseas would no longer be allowed to access YouTube or MySpace, citing concerns about bandwith as the primary reason for the new digital restrictions.
Now, YouTube is fighting back against what they perceive to be a miscarriage of justice.
YouTube's cofounders Thursday challenged the Pentagon's assertion that soldiers overseas were sapping too much bandwidth by watching online videos, the military's principal rationale for blocking popular Web sites from Defense Department computers. "They said it might be a bandwidth issue, but they created the Internet, so I don't know what the problem is," Chief Executive Chad Hurley said.
While no one's gone so far as to call this a government conspiracy, YouTube has suggested just enough impropriety to call "bullshit." And we're just glad to be living in a country where people are willing to challenge questionable statements, invoke their First Amendment rights and stand up for what they believe in.
Even if "what they believe in" is off-duty cops accidentally shooting themselves in the leg and overweight boys fighting with broomsticks light sabres.
Since the advent of TiVo and DVR, television advertisers have struggled to come up with a way to stop people from fastforwarding through commercials in their haste to get back to Veronica Bars. Thankfully, they've finally come up with an innovative new strategy.
The CW network will soon offer advertisers two more ways to try holding the attention of viewers throughout those commercial breaks that consumers love to hate. One idea is to run quickie commercials of only five seconds each. The other is to schedule a series with no commercial breaks at all, and instead incorporate sponsors' products into each episode.
Surely this new implementation of product placement will revolutionize the tv universe! In fact, we'd like to raise a glass of Tropicana orange juice and congragratulate CW on being the first to embrace this newfangled marketing practice.
Now, if you'll excuse us, there's a Dannon yogurt and Starbucks coffee with our name on it.
Dear Opie,Sorry to hear that you've failed again and that the world found out what I already knew...I told you a long time ago, DON'T TRY TO BE HOWARD. DON'T TRY TO BE DICE. BE THE BEST OPIE YOU CAN BE from Wyoming or wherever you're from originally. Put on the overalls, grab a pitchfork, and chew tobacco...
I really wish there was some kind of rehab for people who have lost their edge. Where people like you and Chevy Chase could sit together, reminisce about what it was like to be funny...
--ANDREW DICE CLAY, in an open letter to Greg "Opie" Hughes.
• Jerry Seinfeld creates some serious buzz for his upcoming new children's flick.
• Beyonce has no interest in going anywhere near the Maxim Hot 100 party.
• Possibly out of fear of being blinded by Lindsay Lohan's dress.
• Seeing The O.C.'s Adam Brody with a ratty mustache reminds us that it's time for our residual crush on Seth Cohen to end.
• It's battle of the accents on the season finale of America's Next Top Model. But ultimately, the Russian loses her skirt and, ultimately, the competition to the slightly constipated-looking Skeletor Jaslene.
• Look, it's a giant (uncircumcised) penis pig!
• Is Politico too right-wing? Right-wing conservatives say "No!"
MediaPost's page-flipping column Magazine Rack took an in-depth look at Rodale's Men's Health and Time Inc.'s Health, comparing everything from their rapid weight loss plans (Health gets the edge!) to between the sheets pointers (this one goes to the Z-man, natch).
Here's a brief run-down of all the categories and final rankings:
In addition to the aforemention accolades, Men's Health also reigned superior in the realms of features and writing quality and quality of relationship advice. Meanwhile, Health gets props in the pop science, most useful info, though the two mags tied in terms of overall aesthetics.
And while we don't disagree with the final verdict (MediaPost gives the edge to Men's Health for being "more literate and memorable") we acknowledge that one or two other factors may have contributed to our decision.
Last night's First Annual Young New York, thrown by CAA's "Assistant Task Force of New York" (gag, right?), was, by all accounts, a bust. Funny, 'cause we had a hankering it would be. We're told the only anybody worth talking to in a sea of gophers was Israeli actress Meital Dohan (you've seen her and her ribcage in Weeds), sitting in a makeshift VIP area – what CAA event wouldn't have one? – with her, ahem, chief of staff. Add to it that in an evening of downpour, the coat check managed to lose umbrella after umbrella, while handing out multiple umbrellas to a certain select few. (This violation of umbrella ethics is a personal issue, dear to our heart.)
No wonder Alec Baldwin fired them.
For those of you worried that former Wonkette (and current Time editrix) Ana Mare Cox would be silenced—or worse, fined—over the Jessica Cutler sex fiasco, you can rest easy tonight.
(Optional recap: Jessica Cutler is the slutty "Washintonienne" who chronicled her sexcapades with virtually every man in D.C., including—but by no means limited to—attorney Robert Steinbuch. However, the in-depth blog entries, featuring uncomfortably detailed records Steinbuch's sexual preferences, didn't really gain public notoriety until Cox—the then-editor of Wonkette—picked up the story, at which point Cutler and Steinbuch were promptly fired, and the latter proceeded to sue all the above.)
Which pretty much brings us up to the present day, when a judge was asked to decide whether or not Cox could be found liable for publishing reprinted content.
• Choose Hillary Clinton's new campaign song. (Our money's on Notorious B.I.G.'s "Big Booty Ho's.")
• McDonald's employee hides his stash of pot in a Happy Meal. Then accidentally distributes it and loses his McJob.
• Meg Ryan goes shopping with her daughter, makes us nostalgic for the days of shag haircuts and "I'll have what she's having."
• Large breasted reality "star" attempts to land herself a husband by standing in London's Leicester Square, naked save for a strategically placed white belt, clutching a bridal bouquet.
• Britney Spears remembers to wear a bra; forgets to wear a non-transparent blouse.
It's only semi-ridiculous that porn star Mary Carey claims Keith Olbermann once asked her out on a date. (She declined; something about a boyfriend.) Not so ridiculous that her claim surfaced on Neil Cavuto's show.
Hsve you heard the news? Melinda Doolittle was the latest cast-off of America's highest-rated singing competition, leaving the predictably quirky Blake and perpetually perky Jordin to duke it out in the finals. Meanwhile, the newspapers and blogs have all reacted to the news with modestly understated headlines.
• Weak season gets weaker: ‘Idol’ boots Melinda (Boston Herald)
• "American Idol" Voters Kick Most Experienced Singer Out (eitb24)
• American Idol Disaster: Melinda Doolittle Voted Off Idol (National Ledger)
• WTF???!!! Melinda Voted Off (phillyBurbs.com)
And while the wording, phrasing and intensity varies from one publication to the next, one hierarching theme is consistent throughout, namely Melissa's vocal superiority to the remaining contestants.
Or, as D-Listed puts it:
[Doolittle] was starting to get on my nerves, but I figured she would get her "oh shucks" ass into the finals. This leaves Blake "please don't beat box" Lewis and Jordin "Ugly Betty" Sparks."
Stay tuned for the big finale!
