Let's play a game Jossip likes to call "Who's the Dumbest Person on Television?" We vote for the dude who wants to jet ski in a hurricane, and the whigger who wants to get his ass beat with a frying pan.
Luckily, we have Intern Molly, our special television correspondent, to gather all the freakshows up and put their charming quotes in a Simon Cowell filled Easter basket for you to skip around with.
Or, y'know, just read. The top five are after the jump … and they're totally worth it. Ryan Seacrest even made us laugh … out loud.
10. "Heaven and hell, earth, power, wind, force, make me listen and my strength will be my source." —Jade, ANTM
9. "Actually, I AM a lesbian, and the fact is I CAN take any one of your girls any day of the week! This is why I hate people."—Paula, Real World: Key West
8. "Our food was fly."—Stephen (the whitest man ever), Top Chef
7. "She's looking good from afar, but when we get close she is looking far from good."—Adrian proving his wit on 8th & Ocean
6. "I'm not your bitch, bitch."—Dave, Top Chef
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Because Paula Abdul's been curbing her craziness and Naomi Campbell out-psychoed everyone else, these bitchy little quotes may not seem so outrageous. But, they are. Laugh at these people, people. Because if you can't laugh at dumbfucks on television, who can you laugh at?
10. "It's harvest season, ya know?"—Sean to Teddy, 8th & Ocean
9. "Harold and Steven can go make out somewhere, because I'm done with them." —Dave, Top Chef
8. "Andrea doesn't know how to play in the sandbox. I actually know how to play in the sandbox." —Roxanne, The Apprentice
7. "Why you talking about two girls when they're not here when there are like one million girls here?" —Vinci, 8th & Ocean
6. "Keep in mind that you have zero friends." —Tarek to Dan, The Apprentice
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Those America's Next Top Model kids are flippin' hilarious. When Intern Molly sat down with seven hours of TiVo this week, she had no idea what she had coming to her. The fact that The Apprentice contestants and Top Chef folks act dumber than the 8th&Ocean cast really really scares us, but we guess that just goes to show that this Reality TV thing really is kind of catchy.
Oh, yes, and of course we have more proof of Paula Abdul's "craziness" (otherwise known to our readers as "drunkenness"). So grab a coke glass, fill it with rum, and get ready for girl showers, cat fights, and the odd smells coming from Brent. But don't forget the sweetest bites … after the jump.
10. "Furonda looks like a squashed bug under a petri dish"—Nigel Barker
"A pastry dish?"—Miss J, ANTM
9. "What I love about this Taylor, is that someone should be shooting this and making an exercise video out of it."—Paula, AI
8. "My skin is just as good as your skin."—Sabrina
"We're not the same. Okay. Get it straight."—Kelly, 8th & Ocean
7. "I don't think Andrea's an expert in graphics design. The only thing I think Andrea's an expert in is being an asshole, and Andrea, you might be joining Tammy in a taxi cab, and I hope you both have a good time smelling each other's crap because you both stink!"—Brent, Apprentice
6. "If you can't stand the heat in the kitchen, it is probably best to remove yourself." (Sure that's how that phrase goes.) —Steven , Top Chef
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Oh, how we do miss Santino so very much. To fill the void, we had to adopt the cast of America's Next Top Model and Top Chef for this week's round-up. The Apprentice kids still manage to say to darndest things, and, 8th & Ocean gives us the bitchy ditziness that had been snatched along with our darling Project Runway.
Intern Molly has the top 10 quotes of the week, straight from the reality stars' wagging tongues.
10. "You know, there's nothing in life that's fair. Like some people would say it's unfair that Brent is here because Brent has been a complete disaster. You understand that, Brent?"—Donald Trump, Apprentice
9. "You look like you've gone to Dolly Parton School."—Simon Cowell to Kelly Pickler, AI
8. "Jesus is my maker and he is my husband."—Brit at Model's for Christ (sic) meeting, 8th & Ocean
7. "Taylor, your appeal is that you're like every dad who has ever got drunk at a wedding."—Simon, AI
6. "Whatever I make, it's gonna be sexy. It doesn't have to be dick. It doesn't have to be balls."—Cynthia, Top Chef
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Last night was a real treat for Intern Molly, who fought a little less harder while we were tying her to a chair and ripping the remote away from her. Why? Because the premier of 8th & Ocean plus the finale of Project Runway is like our version of a Sharon Stone threeway.
Santino yelps his last cry for mommy, while we get just a tease from the latest fuckfest to hit your home screen. We know these TV personalities are totally unreal, but you're the ones that love love love to hate them! Top 5 of the week, after the jump.
10. "I think your last note booked your plane ticket home, sweetheart."— Simon Cowell to Melissa McPhee
"Nooooo" —Drunk Paula Abdul, AI
9. "Michael, you did a terrible job, I'll let you stay for one more task, and if you do poorly, you will be fired so fast your head will spin."—Donald Trump, Apprentice
8. "Brent seems like he has been in a psychiatric ward for too long and need attention."—Pepi, Apprentice
7. "There's not a lot of people I want to see in bathrooms. Well, the women perhaps, but not the men."—Donald Trump, Apprentice
6. "When I've got only just anus, everywhere, nice boo-tay, I'll call you, and you'll be like 'oh yeaaah.'"—Adrian, 8th & Ocean
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