"World Series 2007 Ratings Average Second-Lowest In Televised History!" proclaims TVWeek. Which is to say the number of people across the country tuning in to see the Red Sox overtake the Colorado Rockies was the lowest of any World Series ever, with the exception of last year.
Say, anyone else see that amusing piece in The Onion thanking A-Rod for selflessly waiting until the last game of the World Series to announce that he's opted out of his contract with the Yankees, thereby saving devout baseball fans from the humdrum of another yawn-inducing October?
And here we thought that was supposed to be social satire.
Unless your name is Rudy Giuliani, you'll agree it's been a shitty week for Yankees fans. Last night, you watched (or, more likely, consciously didn't watch) the Red Sox easily overtake the Colorado Rockies in a 4-game World Series sweep. And you also may have heard the news that A-Rod has opted out of his contract with the Yanks, presumably to play for a team where the fans don't hate him despite record-breaking seasons and the newspaper don't chronicle his (allegedly) adulterous behavior. So to help ease the pain, here are pictures of baseball hottie Jacoby Ellsbury.
Sure, he plays for the other team—but there''s no harm in fantasizing about what he looks after that heinous uniform comes off, now is there? Besides, haven't you ever heard the term "sleeping with the enemy?"
• A-Rod sends for MRI following hamstring injury. When reached for comment, Rodiriguez's wife said, "Huh, that's funny, I thought I kicked him in the balls."
• Meanwhile, Cynthia Rodiriguez's controversial F-bomb shirt spawns retaliation tank top.
• A violin left behind at a subway station was reunited with its owner after would-be burglars were disappointed to discover it wasn't "something cool, like a guitar."
• Mayor Bloomberg has no feelings whatsoever about Bush's unexpected decision to commute Scotoer Libby's prison sentence.
• Second Avenue Deli to be replaced by a Chase Manhattan, angering loyalists who are "skeptical" about the quality of bank's pastrami on rye.
• The gloved one ditches his gig at a Vegas casino, complaining "Everyone there was over 21."
• Sources say Life & Style has graphic pics of Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo getting it on while vacationing in Mexico. Naturally, the couple has threatened to sue anyone who publishes the pictures, which is pretty harsh language indeed, especially coming from two people who just finished screwing in an outdoor hot tub.
• A-Rod's wife wears a "tight-fitting, white tank top" emblazoned with a profanity to yesterday's Yankees game, and in doing so, traumatizes a 10-year old boy who's only used to hearing the f-bomb screamed from the bleachers.
• Kim Kardashian and Kelly Osbourne are apparently starring in The Simple Life 3.
Sometimes we underestimate the New York Daily News, bemoaning their cheap-shot headlines, tongue-in-cheek features and arbitrary firings, and occasionally failing to appreciate their humor-injected ledes.
This is not one of those times.
Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez is eying apartments in a swanky upper East Side building featuring a $16 million penthouse big enough for his wife, child - and friends, real estate sources told the Daily News.
And just like that, the Daily News has somehow managed to combine a matter-of-fact description of A-Rod's purported new digs with an off-color allusion to his extramarital activities in a single, solitary line.
Well played, Martin Dunn. Well played.
As the New York Post helpfully pointed out yesterday, the Yankees have shot to 9-2 record [Ed: 10-2, after last night's win] ever since the news first broke about slugger Alex Rodriguez stepping out on his wife with a "buxom blond" stripper.
At the time, we joked that Knicks' coach Isaiah Thomas was said to be encouraging similar acts of sexual deviance from his players in the hopes of revamping their office. We were actually sort of kidding (for the most part) except now it turns out it's kinda true! Apparently, Thomas is hoping to recruit suspected date rapist/known adulterer, Kobe Bryant.
Knicks president/coach Isiah Thomas has not approached the Lakers yet with a firm offer for Kobe Bryant, though he admitted at Orlando's pre-draft camp he concocted a series of tentative offers. Sources say the Knicks would be atop Bryant's and Jermaine O'Neal's wish lists. Bryant has a no-trade clause and can nix any deal.
We'd like to be the first to preemptively welcome Kobe to the team. Who knows, he might just be the spark-plug this struggling Knicks ball club is looking for!
• Who says cheating never pays off? The Bronx Bombers go 9-2 following news of A-Rod's adultery. Related: Knicks' coach Isaiah Thomas to announce that his entire starting five just finished gang-banging a stripper in the team locker room.
• The 50th Puerto Rican Day Parade yielded only 80 arrests this year, or—as officials like to call it—nearly 80 times the number of arrests made at the Thanksgiving Day parade.
• Being named "Osama" is really hard. Then again, so is living in Staten Island.
• It's the classic star-crossed lovers tale: A businessman gets his heart broken…so he butchers his ex-girlfriend and leaves a dildo on her back.
• Wealthy white people/trust fund hipsters are ruining Williamsburg's ethnic diversity, Related: Starving artists actually starving, malnourished.
• Warning: listening to Katharine McPhee live and in concert may cause facial spasms.
• After a day of wholesome family fun, A-Rod drops the f-bomb. Figures.
• Time Inc. to continue "pruning" its portfolio. Which is just a fancy way of saying shutting down magazines and firing more people.
• Anti-gay hatemonger takes a wrong turn, accidentally ends up in the fag capital of the world.
• Congratulations to our friend (and "snappy" Stereohyped editor) Lauren Williams for cracking this week's "Perfect 10."
It's one thing to watch Glenn Beck totally fawn over Alex Rodriguez to make you want to reach for glass shards to decorate your carotid artery.
It's another thing entirely for A-Rod to accept the title of "good guy" and talk about "hard word, dedication, and staying out of trouble," being a "husband and father" and the "tremendous joy" he sees watching his "baby girl" "educate her mind" in light of recent events.
• Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez is confident that this whole cheating-on-his-wife scandal will not affect his game, nor detract from his modus operandi of "hitting lots of homeruns, then sucking in the playoffs."
• Post columnist Andrea Peyser would never take back a significant other if he threw lye in her face, just FYI.
• Has Kent Brownridge finally nabbed Dennis Publishing? And, if so, does this entitle him to an all-expenses paid trip to Maxim's new Dominican Republic brothel hotel?
• LA Times calls So You Think You Can Dance "the most gay-friendly show" on television. Clearly, they've forgotten all about Tinky Winky.
• This woman's morning sickness was so bad she decided to have an abortion. And to think, some people still want to reverse Roe v. Wade!
• Where was Anna Wintour when Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles were welcomed at MoMA? Dining with her boyfriend and daughter at the $20-per-plate Cafe Edison. [Fox 411]
• Kate Moss Watch™: What did the supermodel learn the last time at rehab? "A lot about alcohol", she claims — while ordering two glasses of champagne at 11:00 a.m. [Gatecrasher]
• Notoriously grating photog Steve Sands lived up to his reputation when he chased down Martha Stewart at Bette Midler's annual Halloween-slash-birthday gala at the Waldorf. Sands demanded she pose in her Jungle Jane outfit and ended up getting kicked out of the hotel (and a bandaged forehead) for the shot. [Gatecrasher]
• Not that they can do anything about it, but the Yankees handed superstar slugger Alex Rodriguez a stern warning to keep out of illegal gambling dens. Somehow his illegal activities don't violate the team's morality clause. [NYDN]
• Normally Radar staffers are too frightened to write about their upstairs neighbors The Source magazine, but when it comes to not paying the rent — well, that's worth the risk. [Radar]
• Gabrielle's "Union" with hubby Chris Howard is over with after four years and they're asking for the requisite "privacy please" request. And just after she got shamed into apologizing to Mood's owner. [AP]
• Lindsay Lohan and Jared Leto are ready to go public with their relationship. If only it wasn't months too late. [Gatecrasher]
• What's Paris Hilton's current beau Stavros Niarchos III doing with spare cash? Offering it to homeless men to dump soda on themselves. [Page Six]
