For some reason today you're lucky enough to be treated to a list of famous people in NYC who will shoot first, ask questions later. Some unsurprising results: did anyone think Robert De Niro really left his Taxi Driver days behind him? And some truly stunning examples of homeowners who own more firearms than silverware.

Alexis Stewart, Martha's daughter, bought a gun for her $3 million Tribeca loft after 9/11. Not for potential burglars or rapists, mind you. But just in case she has to leave and go all Old Yeller on her pets:

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• Today might be Britney Spears' 24th birthday, but she's not celebrating her marriage to Kevin Federline. After feuding on a flight from NY to LA, she shoved him off to the Beverly Hills Hotel while she partied at LAX with Johnny Knoxville. But now that the family is crumbling, she doesn't have an excuse not to sign on to Broadway's Sweet Charity. [R&M]

• The cast of Lost is doing more damage to Hawaii than merely destroying the islands' jungles. Stars Michelle Rodriguez and Cynthia Watros were arrested on DUI charges. Luckily, Dr. Jack was on hand to keep soothe everyone's emotions. [People]

• Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston were pulled over (without incident) in Scottsdale, Arizona, where Vince's BAC tested below the legal limit. Definitely not as exciting as Macaulay Culkin's bust in Oklahoma City.
[AP & Defamer]

• Fox wouldn't keep Nicole Richie on its network alongside Paris Hilton, but they are interested in discovering what, if any, talent she has. [Star]

• Alexis Stewart, the only thing worth watching on The Apprentice: Martha Stewart, admits to having "experimented with lesbianism" but, despite her haircut, she wasn't into it. Instead, she slept with one of the show's cameramen. [R&M]

• Having starred in the movie, Whoopi Goldberg doesn't plan on Oprah's The Color Purple on Broadway. At last, we have something in common. [Lowdown]

• Janice Dickinson claims she didn't re-up with American's Next Top Model because she wouldn't be nasty, a la Simon Cowell. Yup, that Twiggy's just an uber-bitch. [Page Six]

• Talan Torriero's biggest concern, beside finding an actual career? Making sure he gets a full refund on his daddy's credit card for the $75,000 ring he got for Kimberly Stewart. [Page Six]

Last night's premiere of Martha Stewart's The Apprentice was so wonderfully delightful we had to cover it this morning, if only to call out WaPo on being completely out of the reality TV loop.

But you didn't think we'd let this milestone television event pass us by without a report from Intern Molly, did you? Good, because unlike Kimberly Stewart's bikini, she's got you covered.

As someone who has never watched an episode of Donald’s Apprentice, I probably shouldn’t be one to judge, but judge I will. The premiere of The Apprentice: Martha left me surprisingly unappalled, unnauseated, and even slightly impressed by her composure, which is just about the opposite of anything I’ve ever felt even thinking about Donald Trump.

Also, her theme song is “Sweet Dreams” by Annie Lennox.

And what's sweeter than that? Intern Molly will tell you, after the jump.

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• Don't look to see Condoleezza Rice in any "I Love New York" ads anytime soon. After catching a Wednesday night performance of Spamalot (where she was booed when the lights came up), the Secretary of Insensitivity went shopping at Ferragamo on Fifth Avenue. While browsing thousands of dollars in new shoes (replacement dominatrix boots?), a horrified fellow shopper shouted, "How dare you shop for shoes while thousands are dying and homeless!" For being so forward, Condi rewarded her by having her security toss the shopper from the store — and then decided to cut her stay short to, uh, do her job.

• Nice to know Lil' Jon and R. Kelly have their egos intact, even when trapped in an elevator. When a guest at the Sagamore Hotel called a friend to let them know he was stuck, the duo snatched the phone and said, "Go ahead and tell them who you are stuck in the elevator with."

• Even though Michael Lohan is in the pokey for more sins than you can count, it's reassuring to know he still has a song in his heart. In response to daughter Lindsay's upcoming song about her strained relationship with her dad, Michael's come up with this ditty: "I loved and protected you, I was THERE through it all./I do admit, I did at times fall./But these things you know were due to "THEM"/The ones that want to have a piece of my gem!" Though it's Lindsay rocking the rocks, not daddy.

• Blame Bennifer 2.0! Or at least that's what Michael Vartan fans want you to do. After learning the former Jennifer Garner plaything was being written out of Alias, his "fans" started a slander campaign alleging, among other things, that nobody is allowed to mention Vartan's name on the set, everyone present must applaud Garner after each scene, no one can look at Garner going to or from her trailer and cast and crew aren't allowed to speak with her. Oh, and be polite to Ben Affleck, even though Vartan's friends can't stand him.

• What would Janice Dickinson do? Say attendees at her one woman show, not much. Besides starting half an hour late, she forgot her script and couldn't remember how her own stories went. When Bobby Trendy and Kimberly Stewart walked out, you know it's bad.

• So what do you do when your home confinement ends? Leave! Martha Stewart, along with daughter Alexis, was spotted yesterday morning, coffee cup in hand, getting in a caravan of SUVs headed to Westchester County Airport. No word on her destination, but we're betting she's not going to visit her former prison pals in West Virginia.

• Rapper Juvenile has mixed blessings during Katrina. The good news is that he was able to save his entire family, but the bad is that his home is totally destroyed. The rapper is urging that people keep the city in their prayers, and to donate to the Red Cross.

• Lenny Kravitz is said to be looking at a $50 million Fifth Avenue apartment that's in need of an additional $10 million in renovations, but he may not have enough cash for the unit.

• Martha Stewart's daughter Alexis will be joining her (in the kitchen?) as a sidekick on her Apprentice reality show. MSLO chairman Charles Koppelman will fill the other lieutenant seat.

• Judith Miller, embedded over her head? We're pretty sure she's just trying to keep her head free of snatch.

• Governor George Pataki wants to know how the New York Post obtained (and then printed transcripts of) taped conversations between his former aide Tom Doherty and top republicans, including one that had his wife Libby wondering why Donna Hanover Giuliani got more press than she.

• The MTA is thinking of adding cell service to the subways, and like good city folk, New Yorkers are bitching.

• You needn't eat Skittles to taste the rainbow. Just take a bite out of a very pregnant Britney Spears.

• Carrot Top goes from skinny annoying red-headed comic to beefy annoying red-headed comic.