• Diddy writes a not-nice song about ex-girlfriend Kim Porter. Which was probably a good move, seeing as women who let you bang Sienna Miller, ogle Jessica Biel and impregnate other women all while birthing and raising your own children are typically a dime a dozen.
• Annoying rich kids Brody Jenner and Spencer Pratt are in a big, douchey fight.
• Tweens given opportunity to overpay for tacky, American Idol inspired wardrobe.
• Hilary Duff reduces a 9 year-old girl to tears, presumably by forcing her to listen to her crappy new album. On repeat.
• It's not that Eddie Murphy doesn't have time to chase after his ex-girlfriends. It's just that he's sick and tired of supporting their designer shoe habits. Or, you know, their children out of wedlock.
• Is Liv Tyler married to a former homo? Or, should we be asking, 'what's the frequency, Gwyneth?'
• Creepy Scientologists have evolved beyond cupcakes.
Neil Cavuto may be a place where Keith Olbermann's potential dinner dates are discussed, but that's not the worst of it. As Stereohyped points out, on Your World this week (before Jordin Sparks was crowned the champ) Neil also welcomed MeMe Roth from the National Action Against Obesity to argue Blake Lewis should win because he's thinner. Or, rather, less prone to heart disease and diabetes.
After all, a show that reaches nearly 30 million people per episode should be promoting diet and exercise for America's youth, not feeling good about body images.
(It's worth visiting the Youtube page for this clip, where MeMe defends herself under the guise of a mission statement.)
What does American Idol need to apologize for? Well, for starters, Clay Aiken, William Hung, and Kelli Pickler's chest. But, also, for letting their broadcast run long. CONTINUED »
Hsve you heard the news? Melinda Doolittle was the latest cast-off of America's highest-rated singing competition, leaving the predictably quirky Blake and perpetually perky Jordin to duke it out in the finals. Meanwhile, the newspapers and blogs have all reacted to the news with modestly understated headlines.
• Weak season gets weaker: ‘Idol’ boots Melinda (Boston Herald)
• "American Idol" Voters Kick Most Experienced Singer Out (eitb24)
• American Idol Disaster: Melinda Doolittle Voted Off Idol (National Ledger)
• WTF???!!! Melinda Voted Off (phillyBurbs.com)
And while the wording, phrasing and intensity varies from one publication to the next, one hierarching theme is consistent throughout, namely Melissa's vocal superiority to the remaining contestants.
Or, as D-Listed puts it:
[Doolittle] was starting to get on my nerves, but I figured she would get her "oh shucks" ass into the finals. This leaves Blake "please don't beat box" Lewis and Jordin "Ugly Betty" Sparks."
Stay tuned for the big finale!
Sometimes, when you're watching American Idol, it's such a whirlwind of mediocre singers, sardonic Brits and ambiguously gay hosts that we can't even keep up. Fortunately, Keith Olbermann's here with a quick recap.
A mere two weeks after Sanjaya Malakar was voted off American Idol, another wannabe has appeared on the show. And surprisingly, this man has a lot in common with the 17-year-old. People watch him and think, what is he doing up there? And how has he gotten so far on so little talent. Some actually find themselves cringing at the sound of his voice, and at least have the audience is certain that the vote must have been rigged.
–Keith Olbermann, wondering of George W. Bush and Sanjaya Malakar are somehow related, Countdown, May 3
Remember when Jimmy Kimmel went off on Gawker's Emily Gould about how she was going to hell for invading the lives of celebrities? As homo-inclined younger cuz Queerty notes, Kimmel does a fine job of contradicting himself on that tenant of holding privacy sacred. It starts at about the 4:10 mark, and ends with Jimmy sitting down with Lucifer. And Lance Bass.
After finding himself alongside Lakisha Jones in the bottom two this week, the frequently permed (and consistently tone-deaf ) Sanjaya Malakar was finally sent packing on last night's vindicating emotional American Idol result show.
And once more, the country is divided.
Some, like loudmouth judge Simon Cowell and everyone with even a glimmer of actual musical or singing ability, are thrilled by the development, while others (i.e. Sanjaya's legions of adoring/hearing-impaired tween fans, Sanjaya's family and Sanjaya) were plainly devastated by the news.
And while it remains to be seen what's next for Sanjaya, how much he's learned throughout this entire process and whether or not he'll go on, post-Idol, to grace the cover of Tiger Beat, one thing is for certain: we'll always have the pony-hawk.
• NYT undertakes flamboyant effort to lose money.
• CBS Radio follows MSNBC's lead, boots Don Imus.
• It's easy to capitalize on Sanjaya's popularity. Just grab a stock photo of any Indian guy, throw on that awful haircut, and shill away!
• This week's Life & Style asks the one question about Angelina Jolie you never asked yourself. And for good reason.
• Who gets to take credit for handling Don Imus fiasco?
• A biz mag that doesn't dawdle? Send us Dealbreaker.
• "Sci-fi" is the plague.
• It's not too late to buy your slice of the Times.
• Twelve weeks and counting for Us Weekly EIC Janice Min and boss Jann Wenner to reach a new deal before her contract runs out.
• Bravo buys TelevisionWithoutPity, tries to keep on screwing the freelancers.
• Meanwhile, Bravo's Project Runway re-ups with Tim Gunn as host. Nice negotiating with those rumors of begin too busy, Gunn!"
• That Page Six plugs corporate cousin HarperCollins is news now relegated to a footnote.
• Fox TV and Hearst team up for web videos you won't watch, be able to find.
• Salon gossip aggregator Scott Lamb tires of checking RSS feeds. So does that mean the celebrity category is or isn't saturated?
• Mr. Magazine names Relish the "Launch of the Year." We name Mr. Magazine the "Needs to Give Up That Hack Name" of the decade.
CONTINUED »
• Gina Glockson inexplicably loses out to her skanky, bug-eyed and well-coiffed competitors.
• Was Joseph Gordon Levitt's pap smear real or staged?
• Quentin Tarantino made out with four lovely ladies at Butter. Which is, admittedly, a huge step up from hitting on MTV interns at the premiere of My Super Ex-Girlfriend.
• Between her crappy reality TV series and her (presumably) crappy upcoming memoirs, L'il Kim's 5 minutes in prison could turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to her!
• Tinsley Mortimer and Chloe Sevigny BFF? Tins possibly being enlightened on what it's really like to go down on Vincent Gallo?
• George Clooney confuses lemonade stand with Starbucks, spends $20 quenching his thirst.
• Deluded Idol fan ends her 16-day hunger strike against Sanjaya, citing doctor's orders and "general wussiness." Quitter!
• But long before Sanjaya Malakar was destroying innocent music on American Idol, he was doing all the girls' hair in the North Seattle choir.
• LA Daily News makes clever biblical reference equates Sanjaya with Samson, and wonders whether he's "hair today, gone tomorrow."
• Meanwhile, Kentucky Fried Chicken offers Sanjaya a lifetime supply of KFC Bowls if he'll don a bowl haircut in one of his upcoming abysmal performances.
• Better still, now there's an online gambling site taking bets on Sanjaya's new 'do (including the "Donald Trump style, the Nancy Grace coiffe and the Don King finger int he electric socket look.")
So, we're not entirely sure how this is possible, but after another grueling night of lackluster American Idol performances, we're actually (gasp!) starting to get tired of making snippy remarks about Sanjaya Malakar's revolving-door hairdo's and "tone-challenged" vocals. Luckily for us, however, the Daily News isn't!
Today, the DN wisely refrains from rating Malakar's performance itself and instead solely on rating Sanjaya's latest hair "don't." The look? A Liberace inspired "pony hawk," which bears some (faint) resemblance to a modern-day Mohawk gone wrong. But what did the judges think?
CONTINUED »
If I would have written any of that it would have been a lot funnier, to be frank…I wouldn't have kept this gay angst going for so long. They would have both come out by now in my story.
–Nigel Lythgoe, refusing to take any credit for the Cowell/Seacrest on-air foreplay, [via TMZ]
We're going to again turn to the "American Idol" website, and let the hard-core Idol devotees (and opinionated haters) give their impressions of this week's episodes. As usual, please be sure to fill us in on anything we missed, and look forward to our continued reliance on this feature, as we present you with forthcoming editions of "This Week On American Idol."
Synopsis: The top 11 contestants perform to the theme "British Invasion," with guest mentors Herman (of Herman's Hermits) and Lulu from AbFab! (Plus, of course, Simon "Small Ben" Cowell lends his usual glib commentary and dour British mug.) Then a starstruck little girl cries hysterically at being trapped in the same room as Sanjaya, Haley takes her own breath away, and JT wannabe Chris shocks by delivering an (almost) praise-worthy performance. And when the votes are counted, we find out the journey ends for boring-but-talented Stephanie, while Phil's shiny bald head and Sanjaya's curly tendrils "earn" their spots on this summer's "Top Ten" tour.
Simon's Quote of the Week:
• "I think the little [crying] girl's face says it all," Simon's sole critique of Sanjaya's Tuesday night performance.
Highlights and a giant Amusing Observation after the jump.
CONTINUED »
• Kirsten Dunst quits "stroking" Fab Moretti, starts stroking Razorlight's Johnny Borrell.
• Paris Hilton and Jenna Jameson join
forces to create a new, super-powerful STD.
• We're not falling for Melinda Doolittle's humble big-headed dwarf act…anymore!
• The Onion challenges AMNY to a competitive eating duel!
• Slate takes a gamble, launches political futures market. We're betting it'll be a huge success!
• Legal experts cleverly find a way to make the Viacom/YouTube lawsuit even more boring.
• Dita Von Teese with no makeup on is actually, surprisingly, pretty.
• Anna Nicole Smith judge Lawrence Korda gets busted for smoking the reefer. Police apparently didn't believe his plea that he was "just trying to get a better understanding of the victim."
For those of you who haven't been watching American Idol this year, you haven't missed much. And you certainly haven't missed out on the musical stylings of seventeen year-old contestant Sanjaya Malakar, who's far better remembered for his luscious locks than his limited vocal range.
But apparently, the seemingly deliriously happy Sanjaya isn't actually enjoying his reputation as "the off-key Shirley Temple" on America's highest rated singing competition.
CONTINUED »
Please, for some reason, tell us you've read this interview with Paula Abdul in the latest issue of TV Guide. And please, don't be embarrassed to admit you were reading "The Guide, "there are plenty of acceptable rationalizations for such behavior. (Examples: "Oh, I was flipping through it at the doctor's office!" or "Right, I was just glancing at a copy that some previous straphanger must've discarded on the L-train." Etc.)
Anyhow, in this article, Paula talks about her relationship with Simon, making sure to mention that in spite of all appearances, the two are actually very close friends. She's also careful to make note of their brother-sister rapport, because it makes their awkward on-air bickering seem impish and cute rather than immature and staged!
"In the middle of me trying to figure out how I'm going to say something that gives someone dignity walking off that stage, I've got the antagonistic brother goofing on me, trying to throw me off," she says in the interview.
• Brandon gets the boot on last night's American Idol. Sanjaya and his hair stylist live to sing another week!
• The first kosher Subway restaurant opens in Queens. Maybe the Yiddish-speaking Star Jones will stop by!
• Know why Madonna's former nanny's hair is so big? It's because it's full of secrets! Especially now that her new tell-all just got shelved.
• Crazy gunman dons fake beard, fires fifteen shots at a Greenwich Village bartender and kills two auxiliary cops. And here we were all worried over a couple of rats…
• Zsa-Zsa Gabor's hubby (and Anna Nicole's possibly baby-daddy) is suing Bill O'Reilly for $10 million for calling him a "fraud." Yep, cause suing for $10 million is the best possible way to show you're not in it for the money.
• Automotive High School in Brooklyn hopes to increase the number of qualified NYC mechanics. The courses aims to teach students how to replace a carburetor AND overcharge the customer.
We're going to again turn to the "American Idol" website, and let the hard-core Idol devotees (and opinionated haters) give their impressions of last night's episode. As usual, please be sure to fill us in on anything we missed, and look forward to our continued reliance on this feature, as we present you with forthcoming editions of "Last Night On American Idol."
Synopsis: The top 12 contestants took centerstage and showed us that America did a terrible, terrible job of voting for the best and brightest. Diana Ross was the guest judge, and surprised us by appearing to be at least fifteen years younger than we remembered her, and using made up words like "pronunciate." Highlights included the possible outing of Ryan Seacrest and performances of Lakisha, Melinda and Jordin "Is she really 17?" Sparks. Meanwhile, Haley struggles to remember her lyrics, Paula inexplicably burst into tears and Sanjaya's tuneless rendition of "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" has him once again hoping voters are paying more attention to his curling iron than to his vocal cords.
Simon's Randy's Quote Of The Night:
"Thank God for the background singers," (Randy Jackson's unrestrained response to Sanjaya's vocal performance.)
Highlights and Amusing Observations after the jump!
CONTINUED »
Alright, for those of you who watched last night's American Idol and are already demanding a recap—back off. (Seriously. The show is on like eight times a week, and those recaps take time, people!) That said, we wanted to assure you that we did, in fact, see the show, and yes, we certainly enjoyed the amazingly awkward banter between judge Simon Cowell and (horribly dressed) host Ryan Seacrest. Especially the part where Seacrest may or may not have been outed:
Seacrest: Simon, any advice on the high heels?
Cowell: You should know, Ryan!
Seacrest: (awkward pause) Stay out of my closet!
Cowell: Come out!
What'd we tell you? Pure television magic! Anyhow, seeing as we're far too lazy busy to write an actual in-depth summary of last night's episode at present,** we figured we'd tide you over with this poignant video clip, that comes to us courtesy of our gay younger brother, Queerty.
**That's an afternoon job!
