• Meanwhile, Ashley Olsen is reportedly going to great lengths to please her new boyfriend, Lance Armstrong. Including allowing his twin six year-old daughters to bring her into school as "Show & Tell." [via Dlisted]
• Heidi Montag loves breast implants, long walks on the beach and the Bible, says religion is "how I got to where I am."
• Tom Cruise proves that white man can neither jump nor dance.
• Heidi Klum horrifies Seal, her family by borrowing a few parenting tips from Britney Spears.
• Ashlee Simpson's dress is almost as transparent as her desire to surgically alter her face until she's the spitting image of her more successful older sister.
Although we can’t always shake the nasty habit of writing in the royal we, occasionally one of our editors decides to shake off the cloak of anonymity to write a short, pithy statement long, rambling diatribe about a topic of their choice. Today, Debbie Newman is that editor.
Last week, we learned that "Body Armor King" David Brooks siphoned over $200 million in company pension funds to support his "lavish lifestyle," including a staggering $10 million to pay for what his daughter's friends (despite since drifting to rival mean-girl cliques) still uniformly refer to as the "most awesome Bat Mitzvah EVER." Today, comes reassuring evidence that Brooks loves his two over-privileged children equally. His son's Jewish rite-of-passage reportedly broke the bank at over half million dollars.
And that was just to pay for shiksa goddess Jessica Simpson's off-key rendition of "Happy Birthday."
• Ashlee Simpsons gives her personal eyebrow tweezer altogether way too much credit.
• Lindsay Lohan is supposedly broke. She's also supposedly sober, but we don't believe that one, either.
• Britney continues to spend way too much money on worthless crap at the local drugstore; paparazzi/media continue to spend way too much time over-thinking it.
• Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Either that or gigantic fake breasts.
• Kate Hudson discovers that Owen Wilson is a manic depressive with suicidal tendencies, nonetheless finds him to be a "better catch" than Dax Shepard.
On why Jessica Simpson is so (cough) normal:
We have a real family. You can’t just put these kids out in the world and they’re on their own. I can remember a time when Jessica was singing at Madison Square Garden and her outfit ripped before she went on. We were there for her.
On Ashlee Simpson's rhinoplasty:
Girls have their own ideas. Anyway, there was a real problem with her breathing and that was cured.
On Jessica and Nick's divorce:
I do blame 50 percent of their break-up on the media.
–Joe Simpson, manager-slash-father to marginally talented singing sensations, Jessica and Ahslee. [via Fox]
A fist-wielding Joe Simpson jumps into action when he mistakenly perceives his surgically enhanced younger daughter to be in danger. Because this is what happens when your father-slash-manager micromanages your ENTIRE LIFE and your hump-buddy (and would-be defender) is far too worried about his guyliner smudging to jump to your defense. [Mollygood]
• Kanye West confesses his biggest fear ("I’m like, ‘I hope this person isn’t looking at me like I’m a faggot.'") Don't worry, Kanye. We were looking at you like you're a homophobe.
• Note to Lauryn Hill: It's probably time for a personal stylist/psychiatrist when your makeup, wardrobe and general demeanor can best be described as "crazy homelessperson chic."
• Shia LaBoeuf: The next James Bond? Or just some geeky teen who will eventually die of lung cancer?
• Steven Tyler allows Fergie to ruin collaborate on a duet of "Walk This Way."
• This naked picture of Vanessa Hudgens just made High School Musical 2 a whole lot more interesting for the dads.
There's nothing worse than waking up one morning and suddenly finding out that you're dating a Shrewish American Princess, or as we like to call them, SAP's. These overly possessive, shrill-voiced creatures are precisely the sort of vaginally insecure types who bitch and moan every single time you talk to—or, God forbid, look at—another girl, never mind if it's only the pear-shaped barista at Starbucks and your entire conversation consisted of the words "Double grande no-fat latte."
And naturally, despite giving you death-glares every time you come within a 10-foot vicinity of another female and smothering you with their clinginess, they burst into tears whenever you inevitably break down and say you need a night out "with the guys." Go figure!
Anyhow, we were literally expounding about our feelings towards SAP's when we happened to come across this report about Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson, a.k.a. the most annoyingest couple in music/lip syncing history.
• Pete Wentz and his unknown guest graciously smile for the cameras.
• Meanwhile, for once we actually agree with Perez. The most poignant way to describe Avril Lavigne is, in fact, by scrawling "SUX" over her face with a giant white sharpie.
• Never underestimate the brazen self-confidence of an overweight, SCRAM-wearing SNL alumnus.
• A movie adaptation of annoying late-90's catch-phrase "He's just not that into you?" We're just not that into it.
• Tyra Banks donates $2300 to someone other than Tyra Banks. Now that's fierce.
• Kate Walsh buys $4.5 million mansion for herself and her fiancé (and boyfriend of three months) which will be worth approximately $2.75 million after the inevitable quickie-divorce settlement.
• A furtive Ashlee Simpson hides her penchant for KY jelly from her pervy dad-slash-manager.
Sadly – or not – Nancy Jo Sales' extensive (some might say exhaustive) look inside the world of the Cisco Adlers, Pete Wentzs, and Stavros Niarchos of the world isn't available on VF.com, although a video add-on is. Which means you're going to have to haul the double-pounder September Vanity Fair from the newsstand to your reading room (oh, you don't have one?) to read "I'm With Her," where Sales trips through Hyde and LAX taling "the boys who love the girls who love the spotlight."
From Cisco's low-hangers to Joel Madden's spermination of Nicole Richie (the official acknowledgment came too late for press time), Nancy Jo's basic argument is this: These "It" couples aren't made of love, but business prowess. Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz make for a paparazzi-laden opening of his Angels & Kings clubs while also delivering cross-over appeal with their fanbases. Thanks to his engagement to Nicole Richie, mostly average DJ AM can command five-figure fees to spin from L.A. to the East End. Harry Morton's Pink Taco restaurant blew up only when Lindsay Lohan latched on to his arm. And so on.
Really, though, the article is most useful as an expose into how Vanity Fair plays the celebrity game while also reporting on the game of celebrity. And with the accompanying diagram, it's also a look into what keeps the art department at their desks late into the night.
• Holy obesity, Batman! This dude ate Val Kilmer!
• Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who's the craziest Hollwood mom of all? [Spoiler: It's Dina Lohan.]
• Penelope Cruz and her seemingly identical sister to start their very own clothing line. Which should make it even easier for Janice Min/the rest of the world to tell them apart.
• Kirsten Drunkst: doing what she does best.
• And this, children, is why you should never, ever have liposuction.
• Ashlee Simpson goes 36 hours without drinking which can only mean one thing: Yep, she's dead. Kidding! The correct answer is "she's knocked up and possibly engaged."
[Photo: CelebrityBabylon]
• If you'd told us yesterday that Mariah Carey's ass was hotter than Mandy Moore's, we'd have called you a liar and then laughed uncontrollably. Oh, what a difference a day makes…
• As though wearing creepy, couple-coordinated outfits weren't enough, David and Victoria Beckham also have the audacity to dress their children in matching rugby shirts.
• Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz confuse crazy hats with street cred.
• At what point did it officially become physically impossible to perform on So You Think You Can Dance without lip syncing?
• Yep, just another proud moment for Gwen Stefani and her less famous husband.
Know what we super-duper love, with cherries on top? When publicists write our items for us! Let us tell you, it ain't easy spitting out three, sometimes four dozen words about people, places, and things we wish would just go away so we could go back to having a normal Ketel-One-at-noon habit like our unemployed and trust fund friends. So when a well-meaning flack writes in with item suggestions, we're forever in their debt.
Our savior today is Ketchum PR, which reps consumer brands like Kodak, Cingular, and FedEx. They also represent Cadbury's Stride Gum, which, wouldn't you know, threw a party yesterday evening — on the longest day of the year! It was at Teddy's, and celebrities showed up. Like Ashlee Simpson, who of course didn't get an appearance fee.
And it's Ketchum's duty to get the word out, so they've crafted some "items" for us to run.
The generously pre-packaged gossip, after the jump!
• Mandy Moore cockblocks her ex-boyfriend, Zach Braff, by writing a mean song about him on her next album. Take that, J.D.!
• Meanwhile, witnesses report Braff was "touch-feely" with his date at Shakespeare in the park, describing his plus one as "very cute in jeans in a black camisole." And the Scrubs star? "He looked schlumpy," and, presumably, awkward and effeminate.
• In addition to being a shitty driver, Paris Hilton is also a highly irresponsible pet owner. "We're shocked," admits PETA, who then pauses and adds, "Um, that was sarcasm?"
• Britney Spears is a temper tantrum-throwing control freak, insiders close to the pop tart claim. Says one earwitness, "She got very upset and stormed out of the shoot and wouldn't come back. She is not listening to anyone and doing exactly what she wants. But sometimes she doesn't know best." Ah, truer words have never been spoken.
• Michael Moore to throw his (ample) weight behind an Al Gore presidential campaign.
• It took Ashlee Simpson 8 hours at the hair salon and six rhinoplasties to look this good. And you thought you were high maintenance!
• With one simple, heartfelt gesture, Jason Davis singlehandedly restores oil family's good name.
• If you've never perused the creepy gay personals, then brother, you haven't lived.
• Pete Wentz defends girlfriend Ashlee Simpson's honor by smashing a bottle over some dude's head. Sorry ladies, this one's taken!
• Liev Schrieber ignores the implicit "No Smoking" sign hanging over his wife Naomi Watts' pregnant belly.
• It turns out that black women sometimes get abducted, too. It's just that nobody bothers reporting it.
• Pete Wentz celebrated his 28th birthday by having gross bar bathroom sex with Ashlee Simpson. Cheers!
• After Paris Hilton's grueling 5-minute incarceration, Nicole Richie starts preparing for her mugshot.
• Which daytime goddess is a fatty in denial?
• Jay McInerney broke his foot running to hail a cab outside the Waverly Inn. Which is so much cooler than having your foot run over by a produce truck…Jill Abramson!
• Ever wanted to see shitty video footage of Justin Timberlake dissing Britney Spears live in concert? Now's your chance!
• Teen hip-hop artist Chris Brown has expressed his desire to collaborate with Michael Jackson. For his part, Jackson says he has never had any objection to working long hours in tight quarters with pubescent boys.
Seen this week's Life & Style? The Bauer tabloid's cover should clue you in on a big somethin' somethin': They've got major apologizing to do — to Skechers, their high-rollin' advertiser who scored a plug ("This minute's hottest sneakers) on the cover as part of a make good. (Click the image for a larger version.)
Why the obvious ethical lapse? Because Bauer is on the verge of losing the account.
Sure, you see Skechers ads in nearly every tabloid (and the walls of subway stations), but their relationship with L&S took a turn for the nearly-ruined when it ran a spread on Ashlee Simpson – otherwise known as The Face of Skechers – in their April 30 issue about the pop tart's "new look," with a caption that read: "Ashlee Simpson went back to basics in a comfy pair of black-and-white Vans." (Click past the jump to see the scan.)
As you might imagine, the shoe company's account execs weren't pleased to see: 1) The face of their line wearing another company's shoes; and 2) The magazine they spend so much cash with touting it.
The only recourse? Answer Skechers's demands to be made happy again with a carte blanche effort. The mag also popped the regular Skechers ad in a premium fifth page spot. As for between-the-covers editorial plugs, check page 20 (and notice no mention of Vans).
And just when things were looking up for L&S: We hear EIC Mark Pasetsky has toned down the mascara in the office.
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• Lindsay Lohan, on binge-drinking: "'I never passed out in my life! I never vomited from having drinks. Like in public. I would never do that. Well–' she amends, 'a few times. Well, everyone does in high school. I'm not saying everyone.'"
• Rumor has it Joe Simpson wants to be Britney Spears' new father figure/sleazy, lecherous manager.
• Aw, let's all take a nostalgic look back at pre-crackhead (and pre-reformed crackhead) Whitney Houston. Who loves to dance!
• Hugh Grant only likes to perform when he knows people are watching.
• LL Cool J to star on Broadway! Looks as though his steady diet of whey protein shakes, and daily 11-hour workouts have finally paid off!
CONTINUED »
• Reason #312** why Virgie Arthur should not get custody of Dannielynn: She had a baby. With her stepbrother. Cher Horowitz would sooo not approve.
• Jessica Alba, looking tranny-chic.
• Pete Wentz wears designer womens' jeans, screws Ashlee Simpson and makes out with men. Which makes sense, considering he's obsessed with Wacko Jacko.
• Paris Hilton is back behind the wheel. At least until her next DUI.
• Coming soon: Spider-Man: The Broadway Musical! And here we thought we had to go to the ballet to see men in tights.
**For the record, reasons 1-311 were all variations of "because she's the one who raised Anna Nicole Smith."
• Lindsay Lohan pulls an accidental Lizzie Grubman, backs her gigantic car over an opportunistic shutterbug who you just know has "1-800-I-N-N-O-C-E-N-T" on his speed dial.
• Jennifer Aniston contemplates a return to NYC. Now, who wants to gently break the news that "Central Perk" doesn't actually exist?
• Second-tier fashion designer Anand Jon has been arrested/charged with rape. Marc Jacobs would care, but he's too busy rehabbing with much more famous and important people.
• Sarah Jessica Parker's new fashion line will be cheaper than H&M! Guess it wasn't Olsen-inspired after all…
• Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson continue to sleep together without ever actually dating.
• Meanwhile, Jessica Simpson loves dogs so much she wants to adopt a child. Wait, what?
• Star Jones allowed back on television, but only in a role she's practiced.
• Maybe they're moving to the Dakota, maybe they're not — but TomKat won't be separated in Shreveport, La.
• Former Miss Teen USA Vanessa Minillo will help The Donald choose the next crackwhore named Miss USA.
• Russell Simmons is A-OK with Djimon Hounsou having sloppy Kimora seconds.
• Matthew McConaughey has been showing off his V on the beach all for a movie role.
• Barack Obama walked into a room.
• Hollywood, circa 2037 … is gross.
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Editorial Director
