• Sometimes, when Demi and Ashton are feeling really crazy, they sit down to play a three hour long game of Mexican dominoes. Ole!

• A tipsy Paula Abdul slurs out an explanation for yesterday's nose-breaking tumble

• Sharon Stone is the wine-guzzling, fake-titted mother you never had—or particularly wanted.

• Jennifer Garner continues to be outshined by her frightfully cute baby daughter.

• Meanwhile, Cameron Diaz discovers that everyone looks more attractive next to a giant, green ogre.

• Cameron Diaz showed a flash of originality aureola on Ellen earlier this week.

• Britney Spears refused to talk to her mother on "Mama's Day."

• These photos prove beyond all reasonable doubt that Jessica Alba is much, much hotter than you.

• Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry" video (ironically!) made us tear up.

• Ashton Kutcher selfishly covers The Hotness by donning a Unibomber beard.

• Breaking: Scarlett Johansson, the celeb you thought had reasonably normal eating habnits, refuses to watch other people ingest food.

• Whitney Houston to auction off remnants of her life with Bobby Brown; used crack pipe expected to go for "at least $50."

• Justin and Cameron are officially over; Timberlake free to pursue Britney Spears look-alikes while ignoring his real-life ex.

• Mira Sorvino's kids wanna party like Britney Spears when they grow up.

• Demi Moore and Ashton refrain from doing The Graduate on Broadway out of fear that it will become known as the Gigli of the stage-world.

• Jessica Simpson had to tug at John Mayer's (grungy) pants for a NYE kiss, while ex-hubby Nick Lachey scored an impromptu lapdance.

• The father of Madonna's new adopted boy just realized she's got an unlisted number.

• Renee Zellweger resolves to be a spinster in 2007; plans to spend more time with her cats, less time with her hairbrush.

• Page Six continues its Blood Diamonds publicity tour. [P6]

• Vincent Gallo scores at coming across as a racist and a creepy old guy preying on teens in the same breath. [P6]

• Ashton Kutcher is about to throw down on Lindsay Lohan for corrupting step-daughter Rumer Willis. Or at least Life & Style would have you believe that. [Scoop]

• An Oprah audience remembers reports on the Madonna show taping, where the pop princess confesses she's bewildered by the media attention her adoption received. And pissed the same media attention might ruin it. [ABC News]

• Law & Order's "ripped from the headlines" theme might've gone a little too far with having a character named "Elizabeth Hassenback" – quite close to View host Elisabeth Hasselback – raped and murdered. [NYP]

• Rosie O'Donnell, gossip blogger. [Planet Gossip]

• America, we have never been more proud. Dancing with the Stars and Katie Couric? Such diversity in your choice of television consumption. [AP]

• For those who were working on the World Trade Center on Sept. 11, 2001, the thought of going back to work in a really, really big tower is a little disarming. [NYT]

• We, again, can't do math. But Mollygood can! Well, she can at least get bootleg TimesSelect articles about the possibility of celeb couples withstanding. Sorry to say, Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore don't stand a chance. (Then again, this is the Times, not Cindy Adams.) [Mollygood]

• Fox introduces a new interactive dating show. It promises that they will match couples in the most fair and balanced way possible, as long as they are right wing, pathological liars. [Mediaweek]

• Rosie O'Donnell thinks Oprah is pretty "brilliant sexy" in her Chevy. Well, at least she isn't talking about her "fur." [R Blog]

What exactly does one have to do to land an article in Harper's Bazaar? Not much — just be famous. Celebs writing for mags, while nothing new, is just another annoyance on the list of things that peeve aspiring journalists. Honestly, how does your average Brown grad stand a chance of landing a byline when the competition is Demi Moore's boyfriend and Diddy's best friend? As The Envelope observed last week, Ashton was doing his homework while attending the Narciso Rodriquez show.

It looked to some observers as if Ashton Kutcher was intently writing a shopping list for his lady love at the Narcisco Rodriquez (sic) runway show.

But the actor was actually working. He was taking notes for an article on fashion shows that he's penning for Harpers Bazaar. And no, this isn't a Punk'd prank. At least, I don't think so.

While we do have our doubts that Ashton is actually any good, we guess we should be happy that Bazaar is at least commissioning a real celeb. Unlike, say, Glamour, who just grabs the first B-List socialite they can find and slap all over every inch of their mag.

Hollywood heads to the Big Apple for Fashion Week [Elizabeth Snead, The Envelope]

• Unlike his hot, almost always naked ex-girlfriend, Pete Doherty was charged on seven counts of drug possession. And you bet heroin and crack cocaine were in the mix. [MSNBC]

• Lindsay Lohan is trying to be a good girl now. Well, except for those four or five nights she was out this week, she's hardly partied in front of the paparazzi at all. [Gatecrasher]

• We guess Britney Spears calling her baby "poo-poo" is better than calling him "shithead." [Mollygood]

• Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are so much more perfect than you. They don't even fight about the fact that she can't have babies. [People]

• David Hasselhoff files for divorce from his wife. What? Everyone else is doing it. [Us]

Nothing fabulous or exciting ever happens in Des Moines, Iowa. Other than Drake University pub crawls and a looking at few mid-sized buildings, Iowa is corn, cows, and a spattering of crack houses.

So, we can only imagine the fervor that occurred when Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore walked into a Des Moines bar, ready to party down.

While on a trip to Homestead to visit Ashton's family, power couple hit up bar in Iowa's biggest city with Scout in tow. And there, tons of crazy newsworthy event went down. DJ AM text messaged them, Demi acted like a huge bitch to all the simple folk trying to talk to her, and Ashton tried without success to get a helicopter to take them home.

Moore and Kutcher split their time between an isolated VIP booth and the DJ booth, where Kutcher jumped around enthusiastically.

They drank Voss water, Red Bull, Heineken and Corona. And when Moore visited the restroom, the bar cleared it for her.

Moore was not friendly to those attempting to take pictures, telling them to get away. Some patrons taking pictures were asked to leave the bar.

And then those patrons went home and blogged on their MySpace about how (omg!) Ashton Kutcher had them kicked out of a bar.

Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore party in Iowa [AP News]

• Oh, Meryl Streep. You are the best sell out celebrity ever! Even the Desperate Housewives aren't reading children's books for Starbucks. [AP]

• Oooh, they're giving away free plastic surgery at Cannes now? Now we're shocked Brad Pitt skipped out. [SMH]

• Will the Namibian governor name Brad and Angelina Jolie’s baby? We’d believe it — if only so that the press would have a really hard time printing and pronouncing it. [Scoop]

• Ashton Kutcher takes time off to try and impregnate Demi Moore. [Scoop]

• We totally need a D-List celeb who has tons of fuck buddies to run for senate. [Page Six]

• Elizabeth Spiers makes us feel special. [Fishbowl]

• The Time Inc. flee before fire parade begins, with Elizabeth Mayhew of Real Simple leading the pack. [Mediaweek]

• Ashton Kutcher thinks adoption is “the new thing,” but Demi Moore’s little Ashton spawn would be the “hot thing.” [Sky]

• New York Times reporters may be smart, but they're scared of tape recorders, bloggers, and, well, people in general. [Buzz Machine]

• There is life after death for Elle Girl staffers. [Fishbowl]

• Jessica Alba is not a gold-digger. She totally checked the "no" box on Hugh Hefner's "will you sue me?" note. [ET]

• The minds behind the Gawker Stalker craze get a shout out from their beloved Perez. [Perez Hilton]

• So, this girl walks into Jim Kelly's party … you can see where we're going with this. [NYO]

• Cindy Adams' crystal ball didn't predict this one. If we can just hold out until May 26th, mornings will be fun again. [Page Six, Ad Age]

• Rolling Stone rolls out in China. [BW]

• Politically aware actress Susan Sarandon is set to play Cindy Sheehan in Peace Mom. In the old days, this would have landed her a Vanity Fair cover. [SFG]

• Are Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher really trying again for a baby? It might be too painful to watch Star kill another fetus. [Star]

Yesterday, we wished Ashton Kutcher a very happy 28th birthday. We speculated about the tons of glorious things celebrities do when they celebritate the day they were born.

But we never even considered the possibility that they might be working.

One Shreveport, Louisiana (now dubbed "Hollywood South") resident is doing some on the scene reporting for us on Ashton's latest movie, The Guardian, which he was filming and working on into the night. Yeah, sometimes we forget that celebrities actually work to become celebrities. Well, except for Paris Hilton.

The "Ashton in Shreveport Report" after the jump.

CONTINUED »

Hooray, our favorite Iowan turns 28 today! Webbed toed and all, Ashton Kutcher made his way from Cedar Rapids where he literally sold his blood for money, to land a TV gig, a coupla' network shows, and the hottest wife in Hollywood.

We can only imagine what Ash is doing to celebrate the big 2-8. Staying in with Demi Moore and the kids? And Bruce Willis? And Bruce Willis' girlfriend? Who knows, he may just end up rollin' the streets with Diddy and his twin brother. (We know Kutch wouldn't ditch his twin on the b-day.)

However he chooses to celebrate, we're sure this awesome Aquarius will have a fab night. We'll celebrate by being the only people to ever rent Butterfly Effect (come on, guys, it's his birthday) and not buying our weekly supply of tabloids. So, cheers, Ashton. And thanks for all the dumb, dirty blond fantasies.

You know you're entering a slow news day when you're actually considering taking the time to cast your vote, rather than fathom what depths People.com's editors go to when creating their poll questions.

People

• Normally, reality show producers have to use trick editing to produce scathing plotlines. And then there's E!'s Kill Reality, which was sultry enough by itself to bring about the uncensored DVD compliment. [Fresh Intelligence]

• Is there a little White Stripe on the way? Reports claim Jack White and supermodel Karen Elson may be expecting. A rep refused to comment, natch. [Page Six]

• The Rolling Stones hope to bring satisfaction to daytime drama viewers, premiering their new song "Streets of Love" on Days of Our Lives next week. But don't expect to see Mick and the boys scarfing Gramma Horton's homemade doughnuts .. the tune will be used as background music only. [NYP]

• Keanu Reeves newfound love with Diane Keaton is obviously blinding him. From hygiene, for instance. [Cityrag]

• While the New York Times rambles on about how post-9/11 terrorism communication is still flawed, where are all the accusations that Mayor Michael Bloomberg used the subway threat to steal attention for his campaign? [NYT]

• OK! magazine might've paid $3 million for Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher's wedding photos, but the video rights went to someone else. [Four1Six]

There was barely a battle for Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher's wedding photos, though OK!'s mouthpieces would have you believe otherwise. Since OK! is willing to pay top dollar for any excuse to use their exclamation point, they ponied up an estimated $3 million for the snaps, or at least they're letting that rumor swell.

So here you have it, all seven figures worth:

Meanwhile, the duo still haven't done much to quell rumors that they're keeping the cash rather than donating it to charity. Which is fine, because we wouldn't want our cause funded by that ridiculous fedora anyhow.

Demi and Ashton: OK to say we're wed [USA Today]
Earlier: Jossip Juxtaposition

• Boy George has returned to his roots: drug use. The sometimes Broadway star called police to report a burglary at his Little Italy pad but when the fuzz arrived, they only found five grams of coke. And Boy found himself in the clink, but that was before he fled to Britain. [Independent & NYDN]

• Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher told the press they were donating OK!'s $3 million check for their wedding pics to Habitat For Humanity, but the charity's bank account hasn't yet been filled up. [Lowdown]

• While Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger are getting all the press for their gay cowboy hooking up, Kevin Bacon and Colin Firth are steaming up the same-sex screen just the same. So much so that Kevin got bumped from the Today show after producers learned his Where The Truth Lies got slapped with an NC-17 rating for their raunchy on-screen scenes. [Page Six]

• It might not be all Jude Law's fault, after all. Sienna Miller has some 'splainin' to do about her own affair with Layer Cake co-star Daniel Craig — and until she does, she's dead to Jude. [News of the World]

• Brad Pitt is going all Cameron Diaz on the paparazzi, ordering his security team to start snapping pics of overeager photogs should he need evidence when he takes them to court. [Page Six]

• Dennis Rodman's (third?) autobiography reveals Carmen Electra loved screaming the n-word during sex. But more importantly, that means Dennis actually had sex with a woman. [Lowdown]

• With Kate Moss off their roster indefinitely, Burberry is looking to Rachel Weisz to sizzle in their spring ad campaign. [R&M]

• There may be more to the Jude Law/Sienna Miller story than first thought (made up?). Friends of the actress report the sad news that Miller recently suffered a miscarriage. Her reps deny the story. Us Weekly holds its breath.

• Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher "absolutely married" over the weekend, claims Fox 411's Roger Friedman. He's spoken to some wedding guests, even, and assures us they're not paid Punk'd flacks.

• White Kate Moss heads to rehab, daughter Lila Grace is being fought for by daddy Jefferson Hack. But what if it's not Hack, but Jude Law, whose seed created the model daughter?

• Model Carmen Kass passed out at Prada's Milan show, with some "suspecting" she might be carrying the spawn of partner Eric Lobron. Though we "suspect" her condition looks a little more like Kate Moss than Heidi Klum.

• After firing kleptomaniac maid Lucyna Turyk-Wawrynowicz, Robert DeNiro is doing some of his own housecleaning, firing long-time butler, Frederick. Meanwhile, wife wife Grace Hightower remains the true domestic disturbance.

• Is Jennifer Aniston already done with Vince Vaughn? We heard she'd moved on to 7th Heaven's Geoff Stults, but now that Star's reporting it, you know there must be some truth.

OK! magazine is running its trampy little mouth again. First they claim they're ponying up $2 million for Britney Spears' baby pictures and now they say they've secured Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher's wedding pictures for $3 million.

Might be wise to inform Ashton's rep, Leslie Sloane Zelnik, who spat: "That's news to me."

Now, if they're wedding really turns out to be fake, it'll be OK! owner Richard Desmond who got the ultimate punk. But there's got to be a clause in the contract for something like that, unless they're really as dump as their business plan makes them look.

• Despite reports that he's finding a new career in lecturing, Tom Cruise will not actually be giving anti-psychiatry talks at the Scientology Celebrity Center in L.A. He's sticking to couch jumping.

• The bright folks at Spirit nightclub had their beer goggles on when they let a Mick Jagger look-a-like enjoy the fruits of VIP status, which included plenty of free drinks and some lady friend attention. It took scanning a photo of the real rocker to discover they'd been had.

• Don't plan on buying that new designer lingerie from Alex von Furstenburg's cutie Ali Kay just yet. Alex and his estranged wife, Alexandra, were seen enjoying each other's company at Jermaine Dupri's birthday bash in Vegas over the weekend. Ain't possible reconciliation – and saving big bucks in a divorce settlement – grand?

• We, we did have the Ashton & Demi punk'd wedding story first, but we'll let R&M chalk up their delay to publication scheduling.

• It only took a crash landing on JetBlue to convince Taryn Manning that life's too short, so she's "about to get engaged" to boyfriend of a year Derek Magyar. Well, let's not rush things.

• Lindsay Lohan has finally stripped. Mario Testino wrapped a photo shoot with the nubile starlet in Malibu for an upcoming issue of Vanity Fair. But don't get your hopes too high — you will likely only see an outline of her booty.