Another night, another party and another chance to remind ourselves that we're not nearly as fashionable and glamorous as we like to think we are. Yes, Fashion Week is upon us, which means shapeless pillowcase dresses are the new black and naturally slender is once again the new morbidly obese.

And yesterday, we spent the better part of our evening ogling the reality stars of yesteryear at the Bravo/Entertainment Weekly party for Tim Gunn at the Soho Grand and marveling at the fact that somebody had the lack of foresight to serve miniature Reuben sandwiches at a snotty skinny-person party.

As always the event was, well, eventful.

CONTINUED »

• In her Oscar acceptance speech, Jennifer Hudson thanked God (twice), her dead grandmother and Jennifer Holliday. Number of times she mentioned Beyonce: Zero.

• "Just Married" Jackass Bam Margera and his wife endured full-cavity searches on the way back from Dubai.

• Al Sharpton wants a DNA test to determine whether or not he's Anna Nicole Smith's baby-daddy Strom Thurmond's long-lost great-great-grandson.

• • Brandon Davis horrifies exhibitionist/racist Paris Hilton with his tacky uncouth behavior.

• Oscar-writer Bruce Vilanch didn't appreciate that host Ellen DeGeneres brought in her own writing staff; Oscar-viewers didn't appreciate that the show was four hours long and very boring.

• One really old guy (Peter O'Toole) gets winded walking up a flight of stairs; another really old guy (Hugh Heffner) contemplates marrying a bimbo fifty years his junior.

• Jake Gyllenhaal may not have scored on Oscar night, but Keira Knightley might be making up for things. [Page Six]

• Bam Margera's Oscar party ice breaker? He just got out of jail. [Page Six]

• Tag teaming last night's Oscar parties, Gatecrasher reveals both Entertainment Weekly's event at Elaine's and New York magazine's soiree at Spotted Pig were as uneventful as the awards show. But at least Malcolm Gladwell told us he had no idea what Jossip was. [Gatecrasher]

• We can only imagine the awkward tension at Barry Diller and Diane von Furstenberg's pre-pre-Oscar party when guest of honor Graydon Carter ran into Emmanuelle Seignier, wife of Roman Polanski who just sued the VF editor for libel. [Page Six]

• Michael Jackson doesn't only drop large sums on vases. He also spends a fortune catalog shopping — for mothers. [Fox 411]

• Crash may have won best Oscar, but now there are "rape" allegations. Well, allegations of getting raped financially, at least. [TMZ]

• If there are no gift bags, there are no Lindsay Lohans. [Page Six]

• Britney Spears and Kevin Federline are telling friends they're expecting America to bestow another nickname for an upcoming spawn. [Star]

• Everybody's out to get Jessica Simpson. Or at least get inside her. [Scoop]

• Heath Ledger, ever the class act, acknowledges his Independet Spirit Awards nom by spitting in his hand and jerking off. [USA Today]

You'll have to forgive the professional gossipists. Unlike us, they actually sent staffers to the MTV VMAs and, unlike us, they actually have things like editorial calendars and delays between a story breaking and publication.

So with the last of the filing finally making its way into the pages of the tabs, we can do what we do best: recycle the juiciest VMA scoops under one roof, and what better place to start than Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey.

Even their publicists are at their breaking points, and the feuding twosome didn't make things any easier as they fought over whether they'd walk the Ocean Drive magazine party red carpet together. They ended up feeding their facade one more bite, walking hand-in-hand (barely) down the paparazzi line. Though Jessica's ring was noticeably absent.

And that was just the beginning. As Jessica was gearing up to perform her latest single "Fired Up" at the Delano, she pulled an Ashlee Simpson, bolting off stage when the wrong "back-up track" started playing.

Then Nick had a run-in at the Setai with Bam Margera, who's been making a name for himself as Jessica's extra-marital partner.

Meanwhile, celebrity riders were as extravagant as expected.

For 50 Cent, it was condoms and Cristal, but absolutely no pork (none for Diddy either). Coldplay and Green Day were happy with cases of liquor and Kanye West was content with just water, salad and Pepsi. Can't say the same for Kelly Clarkson (vanilla candles) or Shakira ("relaxed" lighting and drapes over ugly walls).

In other news, four blokes were enough for Jamie Foxx, who closed the door on fellas at his after-party at the Bentley Beach Hotel. And Mariah Carey is staving off her diva reputation, making demands at her sound check but not without a disclaimer.