• John Travolta is still frightening people with his greasy, Brandon Davis hair.
• Amy Winehouse is still insisting she's not on drugs.
• Jessica Seinfeld is still claiming she's too rich, successful to plagiarize from non-famous people.
• Paris Hilton is still an exhibitionist.
• Beyonce Knowles is still angry at Rihanna for stealing her curvaceous thunder.
• And Geri Halliwell is still…relevant?
• Beyonce's skimpy bikini offends the tender sensibilities of conservative Sin City residents.
• Authorities say the massive oil spill was likely caused by human error. When asked for comment, an annoyed Poseidon tersely replied, "Apology not accepted."
• Elisabeth Hasselbeck's newborn baby officially has a name! Next step: Toilet training the kid and teaching him how to memorize political jargon and mindless Republican propaganda.
When taping his upcoming VH1 special, American Gangster, rapper Jay-Z showed off his hotter, infinitely more talented girlfriend's surprising acting range as well as his propensity for hilarious ad-libbed topical humor. Reports Stereohyped:
Knowles was hanging out in the back of Brooklyn’s Steiner Studios – dancing and cheering to every song during Jay-Z’s nearly two hour taping…
Jay-Z appeared rather jovial and joked with the audience: “Can I get my Lindsay Lohan on?” before launching into a new track about “addictions to the game” [i.e. cocaine] called “Sweet.” Laughing about his own comment, Jay-Z then asked, “That’s too far, huh? They’re gonna have to edit that out.”
Way too far, Jigga Man! Or, as the politically correct folks over TMZ would say, "Oh, no you di'int!"
Beyonce backs out of a scheduled concert in Malaysia to protest the country's overly restrictive policies regarding her skimpy wardrobe choices and sex-simulating choreography. The decision reportedly came after the stark realization that without her slutty outfits and gyrating dance moves, Beyonce has little else to offer. [Mollygood]
• George Clooney's non-famous 23 year-old girlfriend broke her big toe while riding on the back of George Clooney's motorcyle and was forced to show up (as George Clooney's date, natch) to some fancy schmancy movie premiere on crutches. That poor, unbelievably lucky girl.
• Jack Bauer would never get arrested for a DUI. Unfortunately, Kiefer Sutherland would.
• This morning, Beyonce showed us one example of how it sometimes sucks to be famous. Now, Hilary Duff shows us another.
• For those of you who are interested in seeing the Maxim cover spread (but not so interested that you'd actually go out and, like, buy the magazine) today's your lucky day.
• This is why we hate fashion.
Beyonce's new American Express commercial doesn't make us want to sign up for an AmEx card so much as it makes us really, really glad that we're not famous. [Stereohyped]
• It's hard to determine who was the overall Worst Dressed at this year's Video Music Awards, however Beyonce certainly gets an honorable mention for channeling Liberace's Curtains.
• Meanwhile, for anyone who missed the opportunity to see an overweight and hopelessly out of shape Britney Spears jiggle her thighs very, very slowly in tune to her latest pop abortion, this photo montage pretty much captures the scene.
• Sharon Osbourne, on Madonna: "She annoys me. I've met her a few times and found her very cold and very rude. She's annoyed me for years though, way before all the buying a baby thing."
• After a year of shitshow benders, face-scratching and self-mutilation, Amy Winehouse is finally ready to procreate.
• A happily unmarried Angelina Jolie learns why falling in love is so hard on the knees.
• Oprah Winfrey raises $3 million for Barack Obama's presidential campaign by partying like it's Obama/Hillary '08.
• Waaaah! My name's Megan Fox and everyone keeps comparing me to gorgeous movie stars based purely on my amazing looks. Waaaah!"
• Scary Spice is secretly married. And Eddie Murphy, for one, is ecstatic.
• Nope, Amanda Bynes hasn't been traipsing around town dressed in mini-skirts and see-through tops because she's a slut. It's because she's launching her own whore-tastic new clothing line!
• Girls Aloud? More like, "No girls allowed—who don't look good in skintight spandex." Zing!
• It's a sad day when Angelina's 2 year-old daughter maybe, sorta picking her nose qualifies as "news."
• We can't decide whether Beyonce is truly bootilicious, or just pear-shaped.
• Because there's no better time for transcendent soul-searching than suntanning at your daddy's beach house in Malibu. In a Hermes swimsuit.
• If Pete Doherty's banned from London, how will he ever win back his ex, that old rag, Kate Moss?
• Justin Timberlake and Roboho lead the competition with 7 VMA nominations apiece.
• R. Kelly's underage victim (now 23 years old) is understandably embarrassed about that video footage documenting her affinity for water sports.
• Gwyneth puts the "W" in "Waxy-faced androgyny."
• Jason Preston (a.k.a. Marc Jacob's ex) is back on top. Literally.
• Usher insists that the nuptials are still on track despite ample evidence to the contrary (i.e. he's a philandering mama's boy who traumatized his fiancee by canceling his wedding just two days ago).
• If you missed Beyonce's fall (and the subsequent "I'm okay—wait, no I'm not" stumble) here's your chance to watch it all over again. And again. And again. She's so self-conscious!
• Actress Anne Hathaway ditches her own Hampton's premiere (of Becoming Jane) in favor of an embarrassing public fight with her boyfriend. She then recovers/overcompernsates by showing up "all smiles" to the "rager" of an after-party.
• In a misguided attempt to defend Anne's honor, Cinema Society founder Andrew Saffir says, "If [Anne] seemed emotional it was because she had not yet seen the film in its entirety, and she found even the little she watched of the opening very moving." Riiiiight.
• Jessica Alba dumps Cash Warren in the most subtle, sensitive and respectful way she knows how: by calling him up, telling him "I'm not in love with you anymore" and having one of her assistants (there's more than one, apparently!) pack up all his shit and move it out of their house.
• I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry opens the (back) door to lots of hilarious gay jokes, plus inspires artists to ask themselves what really happens when comic books meet unattractive homoerotic porn.
• Meanwhile, here's Adam Sandler on the set of his "hairdresser/Israeli spy movie." From the sound of it, a must-see!
• Beyonce Knowles sat on a wall, Beyonce Knowles had a really great fall. And all the king's horses and all the king's men. Signed onto YouTube so they could watch it again.
• Paris Hilton gives Cisco Adler a lap-dance after apparently misunderstanding a girlfriend who nudged her and said "that guy's family jewels are, like, enormous!"
• Tom and Katie caught bumping and grinding on the dance floor at the Beckham's "Welcome to America" party. Apparently, Cruise really does likes that old-time rock n' roll! Either that, or he's just totally feigning interest in his Stepford wife in an effort to make us forget they're both members of a crazy religious cult.
Yesterday, Don Imus' longtime cohort, Bo Dietl, hinted that that Imus might be back on the airwaves as early as this September. Which, naturally, prompted Radar to wonder how unrelated third party, Al Sharpton, feels about all this.
My position is that we never called for him to be permanently barred from being on the air," he says. "We'll see when he comes back, and if he comes back, what are the boundaries and what is the understanding. We'll be monitoring the situation, but we wanted him to pay for being a repeat abuser, and he paid. We never said we didn't want him to make a living."
By which, we presume, Sharpton is really saying, "Yeah, I'm pretty much just happy to see my name in the press—or at least Radar—again, after that embarrassing 'roboho' fiasco."
• Reese Witherspoon refamiliarizes herself with her nether regions.
• Beyonce at the BET Awards, live and blissfully uncensored.
• Courteney Cox raids her 15 year-old brother's wardrobe.
• That Gemma Atkinson is such a doll. Too bad she's also best known for dating a European footballer you've never heard of.
• Cameron Diaz smartens up, ditches that creepy magician dude in favor of a Rothschild. Cha-ching!
• Tom Cruise creates production company in megalomaniacal attempt to micromanage his wife's every move.
Summer time, and the living's easy. The days are longer, the sunny afternoons are best spent frequenting outdoor cafes, admiring the cherry blossoms and sipping on ice cold lemonade (vodka mixer optional) while the evenings are perfect for impromptu games of hopscotch and leisurely strolls through Central Park.
But what to do when you're a giant-haired rabble rouser in search of racial injustice? Why, strike up a random argument with TMZ over their characterization of Beyonce's fugly chainmail ensemble!
In fact, that's exactly what Al Sharpton has done! More specifically, for lack of anything more important to protest, the self-proclaimed social activist has written TMZ a scathing letter over their (obviously racist!) assertion that Beyonce's award show duds made her look like a "roboho."
Fortunately for, well, society, TMZ has responded the only way they know how: by denying any/all wrongdoing and invoking the patented "Joan Rivers" defense.
Beyonce took home two trophies at the BET awards in Los Angeles last night, one for best R&B artist and another for video of the year (for "Irreplaceable,") and performed a "flashy" rendition of "Get Me Bodied."
However, it wasn't until she left the stage that Beyonce realized the Mermaid Parade was actually last weekend.
Tired of smoking cigars in Beyonce's face, prancing around in barely-there bikinis and going for pervy, "sightseeing" tours of the French Riviera's nude beaches, B-Jay finally manage to forget about all those pesky photographers long enough to enjoy a perfectly spontaneous cuddle aboard the Jigga Man's love-yacht.
• Paula Abdul to write a self-help book for teens. Publishing insiders expect the result to be "straight-up crappy."
• Celebrities continue to disappoint with boring, unimaginative baby names.
• Beyonce shows off the best bikini bod that money—and an appointment with Dr. 90210—can buy.
• 50's housewife Katie "Thunderthighs" Holmes hits the beach with her suddenly ubiquitous daughter, Suri.
• David Beckham celebrates Real Madrid's league championship by spending the evening with his wife's breast implants.
• Many concert goers are guilty of smoking, chugging shots and forgetting the majority of the lyrics, and some would argue that Lily Allen is no exception. Then again, she did it onstage.
• Paris Hilton has already shed five pounds since becoming a guest of the state. Related: an envious Nicole Richie to throw herself at the mercy of the court.
• Also, Hilton has finally left the medical center (a.k.a. loony bin) and rejoined her fellow Lynwood inmates.
• Anderson Cooper can only lift five-pound weights, says stalker/openly gay rocker Rufus Wainwright.
• "My driver is a crackhead" screamed Rosario Dawson, prompting Martha Stewart to respond, "He must be Eqyptian, dear."
• A remake of Hairspray hits the big screen next month, but the casting of John Travolta as Edna Turnblad has gay critics flaming mad. Apparently, traditionalists wanted to see the role go to a cross-dressing transsexual rather than a closeted homo.
• Jay-Z woos Beyonce by promising her the world. Starting with lung cancer.
• Instead of having her children taken away by Child Welfare Services, Dina "Mom of the Year" Lohan gets rewarded with her very own reality show. About parenting. On the E! channel!
• Fat Joe "emerges for Summer Jam," begging the question: How easy is it for someone named Fat Joe to disappear?
• Jay-Z may have popped the question to Beyonce, thereby adding "marriage" to his list of 99 problems.
• Lenny Kravitz and Steven Bing sat in a car and listened to "extremely loud music" together.
• A source close to newly reformed Calum Best (i.e. his publicist) suggests that Best is much calmer now that he's not under Lindsay's bad influence.
• Insiders say Paris Hilton's diary "will make a more dramatic reading than Martha Stewart's." Presumably because her gaunt, willowy body will appeal more to fellow inmates.
• Turns out Sarah Silverman's new VMA billboard is almost as annoying as Sarah Silverman.
• Chuck Schumer may have contracted lyme disease. Which is ironic, since he helped champion a bill to allot millions to lyme disease research! Unfortunately for Schumer, that bill was later rejected.
• Leno celebrates his 15th anniversary by reminding us all the he and Letterman actually get along great. As long as they're not speaking or in the same room together.
• Nicole Richie copies Paris' hairstyle, oversized sunglasses, and—judging by the horizontal, black-and-white striped shirt—Paris' prison record.
• What would a blaxsploitation version of Jaws look like? This.
Editorial Director
