Asleep at the wheel publisher Nielsen is promoting three execs in its ranks. Eric Mika will be The Hollywood Reporter's new VP and publisher. Howard Appelbaum will be Billboard's VP and publisher. Andrew Bilbao will be VP and COO of Nielsen Entertainment Group. All three will report to Gerry Byrne, who just replaced the incompetent John Kilcullen.

Vogue may have jumped to the Chinese market two years ago, but now it's music trade Billboard that's getting the fever. We hear the VNU publication – you know, the one ran a chainsaw through its masthead last fall – is launching a Chinese edition, and that a team of editors is either on their way or about to leave for China to set up shop. All it took was the Chinese government saying yes to a company that once hoped Paris Hilton and Britney Spears would co-host its awards show.

Just days after Britney Spears announced she wouldn't be co-hosting the Billboard Awards alongside new BFF Paris Hilton comes word that the heiress herself has pulled out of hosting duties for tonight's live show from Las Vegas.

"It is my understanding that some satirical references ridiculed some of her peers," Mintz, said in a statement on Saturday, according to the Associated Press. "Paris did not want to say anything that could appear hurtful or embarrassing about people she knows."

That's the report according to People. What the Time Inc. tabloid didn't tell you is what the focus of those "satirical references" were: Potshots at Britney Spears crotch shots. Also going unreported by People: Paris Hilton does not have peers. Girl is in a league of her own.

We're hearing uncofimred reports that VNU, publisher of Billboard and the folks behind those lovely Nielsen ratings, is set to fire 100-120 staffers. (Worth noting: They have some 40,000 employees worldwide.) This comes on the heels of August's axing of 26 staffers. An insider tells us employees are under gag orders, which means leaks might be a little hard to come by.

Perhaps you know more?

Update: Our source tells us "assistant level positions at publications and in finance have been eliminated, and other selective cuts have been made."

Update 2: Why is there little word outside VNU? Because, as our source tells us, VNU set up an "Employee Monitoring System" shortly after the "Dildo Incident" forced the media giant to write a large settlement cheque. Elsewhere, FNBY reports cuts are among assistants and finance staffers.

Are insta-BFFs Paris Hilton and Britney Spears already parting ways? After a week's worth of recycling the same T-shirt and showing her panty-less crotch a dozen or so times, Brit appears to be calling off ties with the only heiress she's ever allowed to hold the child whose name she remembers. The Billboard Awards had fingered the twosome to cohost the Dec. 4 live show, but now word comes that the pop star mama has canceled our hopes and dreams of seeing two inept role models stumble over teleprompter lines.

The only person who can save the Billboard Awards now? Fellow blonde bimbette Pamela Anderson. She'll do it. Seriously. Just ask her.

The 5-star staff at Rosen Group PR is sending out an email blast today on behalf of their client Billboard magazine, which features Robin Williams rehab wannabe Keith Urban on its current issue. (It hits newsstands today — which we're only telling you so Rosen Group will continue sending us those mini chocolate cookies every other Friday.) Says the missive:

Tamara Conniff, Billboard’s executive editor & associate publisher, was one of the only journalists to sit down with Urban before he entered rehab.

Which is a lovely way to spin "Tamara Conniff happened to sit down with Keith Urban right before he went into rehab, but our story has nothing about Keith talking about his decision to do so. There's nothing in there about his alcohol addiction, just some smarmy content on how Nicole Kidman influences his music. Which means there's probably nothing in this article that you haven't read before."

VNU Business Media has been trimming some hedges of at Billboard and Radio & Records mags. A 26-staffer-whacking to be exact.

Seventeen staffers were axed from R&R, and the remaining nine came from Billboard–several of whom were longtime employees. Among the top editors let go were 21-year veteran Ken Schlager, executive editor/editorial operations; 18-year vet Melinda Newman, deputy editor/West Coast bureau chief, and 17-year vet Phyllis Stark, Nashville’s bureau chief.

The axings are chalked up to VNU acquiring R&R and merging the pub with their Billboard Radio Monitor, as well as "overlapping duties." Which may be fine for explaining that pub's cuts … but we're going to speculate – you know, just for fun and not based on any notion of truth – that the source of the Billboard lay-offs had something to do with another situation.

Does anyone remember the green vibrator incident? Perhaps the cutting of Ken Schlager and crew had something to do with that.

However! If any of you out there know anything about who else, exactly, got a VNU pink slip in their office inbox this week, please let us know. After all, other editors and publishers can't come steal the jobs if they don't know they're open.

Please do not blame this dirty minded day on us. We aren't the ones analyzing blowjobs or showing of a vibrator collection. Nope, that would be Christopher Hitchens and the staff of Billboard, respectively.

A few months ago, news of the lawsuit against Billboard was reported by Lloyd Grove (anyone else picking up a pattern here?) and just before the suit hit NYC's top court, a settlement was reached.

But the salacious claims will never go before a jury, after a last-minute settlement Tuesday morning brought jury selection in the case to a halt in New York Supreme Court.

"The case has been settled to all the parties' satisfaction," said lawyer Kyle Bisceglie, who represents former Billboard editor in chief Keith Girard and senior editor Samantha Chang in their $29 million discrimination suit against Billboard magazine owner VNU. "We're very happy."

Just goes to show: you don't really need a shiny green vibrator when you have fistfuls of sweaty green money.

Sex discrimination suit against Billboard magazine settles during jury selection [Court TV]
Earlier: What's the magazine's policy on in-office vibrators?

While Lloyd Grove talking about vibrators is just about the worst thing we could ever imagine, because this zany tale involved Billboard magazine, we feel obligated to give it some coverage.

Two fired Billboard staffers — former EIC Keith Girard and senior editor Samantha Chang — are slapping a $29 million lawsuit on the mag over a "sexual vibrator" that made its way around the office.

Grove picks the "highlights" out of the 52-page document, complete with color photos, which includes the story of executive editor Ken Schlager keeping the vibrator on his bookshelf and turning it on for Chang and another female employee.

And in situations like these, someone always says something that makes no sense. This time it was VNU exec Howard Lander with a double shot of weirdness:

"He would not have a problem" if every employee kept a vibrator in the office. "It is a question of credibility whether the batteries would remain operable for six years after Schlager first took possession of the vibrator."

If only Cargo had made a similar vibrator policy … maybe they could've held out just one more year.

Suit calls vibrator a big hit at Billboard [Lloyd Grove, Lowdown]

We apologize for taking so long to post this, but we had to weed through all of Baird Jones' celeb art invites. Today, one of our beloved tipsters left us some insider mag gossip (and we do expect all of you to follow suit):

Last week Billboard Magazine laid off several employees, most of them staff veterans. Shown the door:

Bill Holland (Washington D.C. bureau chief)
Deborah Evans Price (Country/Christian music editor in Nashville)
Margo Whitmire (staff writer in L.A.)

We hope to hear from Billboard's fact-checkers, because honestly, we barely have time to sort through our e-mails, let alone confirm gossip.