When was the last time you were forced to read a bad pun in the Page Six regarding oil billion-heir (see?) Brandon Davis, and the amount shiny grease in his hair? Get it, because he's got oil money, and his hair is oily. Oy vey.
You might not be so happy at first to see Davis' name in print: he's pretty much disappeared after calling Lindsay Lohan a fire-crotch, but then you realize that he's only being mentioned because of his recent string of bad luck and insane debt, and your Monday just started out a little better, right?
Two months ago the story was about how Davis stole another free-floating heir's credit card and maxed it out after his family cut him off. Since then he's become a "professional couch surfer," but his love of gambling and nose candy apparently don't make the best combo, and his most recent claim to fame involved getting himself kicked out of a famous underground (oxymoron?) West Hollywood casino.
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• Brandon Davis was detained at Sydney Airport for carrying $10Gs on his person. But don't worry, he really worked hard for all that money.
• We didnt' think it was possible, but we love Lauren Conrad even more for kicking it old school with her Laguna Beach crew at an L.A. Kings game.
• Britney Spears's really should show up to court today if she wants her kids back …
• … and she didn't make it.
• Maybe it had something to do with her braless weekend with her boyfriend.
• We went to our parents' house this weekend and watched bad movies on HBO. After watching twenty minutes of The Last Kiss, we feel culturally irresponsible even out-clicking to pictures of Rachel Bilson. That said we have a job, and she does look good here.
[Photo]
If Mother Theresa, Brooke Astor and Princess Diana are responsible for helping to restore our faith in humanity, Brandon Davis is responsible for singlehandedly destroying it. [Mollygood]
• It turns out there actually is something grosser than styling Brandon Davis' oily coif. Yep, you guessed it: frisking Amy Winehouse's beehive.
• Britney Spears, naked! And, better yet, heavily retouched!
• Sean Connery was devirginized at 8 years old. No wonder this guy's James Bond!
• Meanwhile, at the opening of her British tour, Winehouse "stumbled into the venue half an hour late, slurred her words, walked into a guitar stand, dropped her microphone [and] almost collapsed in tears." So pretty much just business as usual.
• Rachel Bilson will always be Summer Roberts to us. Because we loved The O.C.! And because Bilson could still easily pass for an adolescent.
Al Gore's son is taking his father's celebrity straight down the well-beaten path of other trainwreck Hollywood children. And he couldn't have picked a better time! After all, moving vehicle violations are so hot right now, and with his July 4th arrest (for speeding and drug possessions) Al Gore III joins the illustrious dubious ranks of famous brats Brandon "Wedding Ruiner" Davis, Lindsay "Memorial Day weekend DUI" Lohan, and Nicole "Driving while smoking weed and cracked out on painkillers" Richie.
Oh, and speeding and by drug possession we don't mean pushing 70mph and a mere handful of Ritalin so much as cranking the eco-savvy Toyota Prius up to a cool 100pmh, and toting around approximately 140 Vicodin pills and "dozens" of other unauthorized meds. Or, in other words, enough to last LiLo approximately 4-6 hours. After a wild night of drinking. At the Chateau Marmont. With Olsens present.
So what does the future hold for Al Gore's "tree" happy son?
• "Which rocker-ette, who is attempting a comeback, has a new eating disorder to replace the drugs? Apparently now she will eat only yogurt products," tantalizes Ben Widdicombe.
• Meanwhile, in completely unrelated news, "Courtney Love showed off her new skinny bod by performing in a one-piece Marc Jacobs bathing suit at Hiro," chirps Rush & Molloy.
• Diddy moves on from ex-girlfriend Kim Porter faster than you can say "canoodling with a brunette in a cabana with three bodyguards blocking him from fans and paparazzi." And that kind of cathartic promiscuity can't be good for the wallet.
• Brandon Davis' parents finally do the sensible thing: disown their overweight and out of control son until he learns how to eke out a respectable living dealing drugs and hocking "Team Firecrotch" t-shirts.
• Don't listen to K-Rock radio today unless you want to hear a 4-hour block of 30 Seconds to Mars songs.
• DJ AM dumps his much more attractive girlfriend for being "too high maintenance." And she totally was! You know, except for that whole willingness to date an unattractive, tattooed manorexic.
• Jack Nicholson continues to live the dream. Assuming "the dream" is sitting on a boat, with your gut hanging out, while stuffing your face with pizza.
• More trampy girls make videos about presidential candidates they know anything about.
• Nope, Brandon Davis isn't dead—just sweaty and disgusting.
• Michael Richards enjoys the company of Maddox's lost family, far away from those tacky N-word people.
• Turns out Perez has a raging case of repressed fat guy anger.
• Ever dream about living next door to Diana Ross? For $39.5 million, Mel Gibson can make it happen.
• Condoms…they never worked so well.
• Brandon Davis takes time out of his busy birthday-party-ruining schedule to trash his brother's wedding.
• Michael Moore rants and raves at Wolf Blitzer for 11 zany minutes, then demands an apology from CNN.
• Paris Hilton is already well on her way towards poisoning America's youth.
• Sources say Posh's boring television special is completely representative of her non-existent personality.
• Alec Baldwin tries to disassociate himself from that shitty movie he starred in co-produced.
• The former VP of the United States introduced himself to a room full of celebrity-turned-environmentalist types by saying, "My name is Al Gore, and I'm a recovering politician."
• With one simple, heartfelt gesture, Jason Davis singlehandedly restores oil family's good name.
• If you've never perused the creepy gay personals, then brother, you haven't lived.
• Pete Wentz defends girlfriend Ashlee Simpson's honor by smashing a bottle over some dude's head. Sorry ladies, this one's taken!
• Liev Schrieber ignores the implicit "No Smoking" sign hanging over his wife Naomi Watts' pregnant belly.
• It turns out that black women sometimes get abducted, too. It's just that nobody bothers reporting it.
• The good news: Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston put aside their differences to celebrate their daughter's birthday. The bad news: Bobby got shit-faced and Whitney screamed at the birthday girl to 'shut up.'
• K-Fed wants $25K for exclusive rights to his bday bash; Life & Style responds, "25K? Screw you, we're buying a Saturn."
• When Brandon Davis made fun of Paula Abdul for being Middle Eastern, perhaps he simply forgot that his father is a Turkish-American wine importer whose last name is Zarif.
• Alright, so maybe Bono's red campaign actually made $25 million. Which sounds pretty impressive until you consider that's only 1,000 times what K-Fed's will likely bank for his birthday extravaganza.
• How does Lindsay Lohan even have time for drinking when she's busy getting 6-hour haircuts?
• Rumor has it there might be a Forrest Gump sequel on the way. Sort of I Love the 90's meets Radio.
• In her Oscar acceptance speech, Jennifer Hudson thanked God (twice), her dead grandmother and Jennifer Holliday. Number of times she mentioned Beyonce: Zero.
• "Just Married" Jackass Bam Margera and his wife endured full-cavity searches on the way back from Dubai.
• Al Sharpton wants a DNA test to determine whether or not he's Anna Nicole Smith's baby-daddy Strom Thurmond's long-lost great-great-grandson.
• • Brandon Davis horrifies exhibitionist/racist Paris Hilton with his tacky uncouth behavior.
• Oscar-writer Bruce Vilanch didn't appreciate that host Ellen DeGeneres brought in her own writing staff; Oscar-viewers didn't appreciate that the show was four hours long and very boring.
• One really old guy (Peter O'Toole) gets winded walking up a flight of stairs; another really old guy (Hugh Heffner) contemplates marrying a bimbo fifty years his junior.
• Brandy hires a "crisis management specialist" to help her deal with all the negative publicity that comes with killing somebody and pretending everything is fine.
• According to Gatecrasher, a certain anonymous, morbidly obese oil heir has a bit of a Napoleon complex.
• The Game denies impersonating a police offer and ordering a livery cab driver to run a red ligh; admits being too cheap to simply "slip the guy a $100."
• Sienna Miller's rep denies reports that the Factory Girl sex scenes (with Hayden Christensen) weren't simulated, eliciting snickers by explaining "she's just a really good actress." Seriously.
• Jessica Biel isn't some cheap $10 hooker; she rents out at a nightly rate of $1950.
• Kristin Davis (Charlotte, on Sex and the City) is unnervingly emotional about horses. Related: Real-life Harry Potter wishes he'd trademarked the whole humans-with-a-crazy-horse-fetish thing.
• Liz Hurley forgets to invite BFF (and ex-boyfriend) Hugh Grant to her wedding for reasons that have nothing to do with his once cheating on her with a "total prostitute."
• New evidence that Brandon Davis might be as "poor" as Lindsay Lohan gives us another opportunity to make "oily heir" joke. [P6]
• Celebrity porn peddler David Hans Schmidt closes wedding deal. Wedding video said to include Donkey Punch. [R&M]
• Lindsay Lohan considers taking a year off from acting: Reason: exhaustion. [Scoop]
• Speaking of actors with record deals, Scarlett Johansson is said to have signed one. She'll be recording an entire album of Tom Waits songs. And will then do a sultry Ladies' Home Journal spread to promote it. [Fox 411]
• Jermaine Dupri blames Virgin's marketing missteps for girlfriend Janet Jackson's album sales lag. Our advice: Get fat, then skinny again. [R&M]
• Producers supposedly loved Rosie O'Donnell's cameo in Nip/Tuck so much, they want to sign her to a spin-off. And Nicole Kidman wants in! Oh, the orgy of publicist favors that created this item.
• Harper's Bazaar has been busy shopping Conde Nast's market staffers. We hear the Hearst cafe is better, people! [FWD]
• Clubs in L.A. don't want Brandon Davis to enter. The real question, though, is "why?" He's so sweet and fun-loving. We really just don't get it. [TMZ]
• Now that she's the most famous lady of the day, maybe Arianna Huffington can offer to have Tom Freston's carpet cleaned? [FBNY]
• Girls, listen up. Just be happy with yourselves, ok? So what if you're a frizzy mess and dickwads call you names like hag or slag or biyotch? Linda Wells thinks you're hot. And she would also like if it if you grow some confidence and stop interrupting her vacation to talk about lip gloss and conditioner. Capiche? [NYDN]
• And then there's this girl. Who almost has too much confidence. We don't know — celibacy vows seem somehow cheapened when Paris Hilton flashes her ass all over town. [Mollygood]
• Toni Braxton almost puts Mariah Carey and Diddy to shame with her diva antics … almost. [TMZ]
• Against the doctor's orders, Jessica Simpson sang her throat out for the Today show. She must've seen those shirtless beach pics of Matt Lauer. [People]
• Nobody — and we mean nobody — should ever have to clean up after Brandon Davis while he watches in the nude. Not even Ryan Adams. [The Awful Truth]
• Another bikini-clad Lindsay Lohan photo album? That burlap boobie sack is actually looking kind of good at this point. [Egotastic]
• Good thing Susan Lucci weighs less than Nicole Richie. It makes saving her ass from a water-logged Mercedes that much easier. [R&M]
• Brandon Davis sings us a song of the firecrotch. Like we don't all know that one already. Psha. [Page Six]
• No, Jared Kushner does not want his staff to have crabs. No, he is not aware that 40% of them already do. [VV]
• Oh, and speaking of NYO, they're playing softball against New York mag somewhere in Inwood tonight — for all you "journoati stalkerati" out there. (If you can figure out where, it's totally worth it just for the very rare of late David Amsden sighting.)
• Our roommate two months ago: "Hey, have you guys heard of this thing called YouTube?" The news, today: "Hey, have you guys heard of this thing called YouTube?" [AP]
• If only posters could actually vote. And if only they could vote for gays. [FBNY]
• Britney Spears goes overkill with the quote marks — but still manages to prove to everyone she's "trash." [DListed]
• Jessica Simpson wants a guy who can imagine fucking someone else when he's in bed with her. [People]
• Vince Vaugn's mamma gets scammed worse than a guy who was tricked into dating Jennifer Aniston. [R&M]
• Microsoft Mogul Bill Gates is following in Angelina Jolie's footsteps. It's all about the charities, baby. [Ad Age]
• Brandon Davis' family wants him to go to rehab. Not so he can get help for his alcohol and drug problems, but because they could really use the PR … the boy's becoming a real embarrassment. [Page Six]
• Country Weekly manages to do one last thing before it gets yanked from shelves; name Keith Urban hottest country singer for the 10th time in a row. [Scoop]
Today is a very New York Times kind of day around here. Earlier, we came across a gossip item featuring Pinch in a Jefferson Airplane tee, encouraging his fellow gym goers to get high before working out. And now the Times is dissecting their new favorite topic. Yup, you guessed it: gossip.
It's great when the Gray Lady climbs to keep up with the trends of the industry … we're not surprised PBS is encouraging their writers to just give up and blog already. They just know so much about blogs and gossip and websites! They can even manage to put together whole columns about this crazy Internet land.
Remember the Brandon Davis "Firecrotch Lindsay Lohan cums freckles" video? Wait what? "That was so last month," you say? Yeah, we know, but lets all clap for the Times and pat them on the back for their amazing discovery of the recently revamped TMZ. (You so know Gillian Sheldon's getting a huge bonus for this one!)
In a mere six months of operation, the site has ridden a wave of enthusiasm for online video, attracting links from other gossip sites with its run-and-gun sequences of stars acting stupid. The site covers music, movies, television and industry gossip. It supplies, with occasional glitches, photo essays, copious video and, as of yesterday, blogs.
And for the latest news about gossip, you know you can always count on the Times. "It's almost moving," the writer said, focusing the end of the article on TMZ's reader comments. Totally. Just like printing reader comments off a gossip blog is almost journalism.
TMZ.com Users Post Their Own Views of Gossip [Virginia Heffernan, New York Times]
• Will Stephen Baldwin ever disappear? [R&M]
• Lindsay Lohan says she won't date Brandon Davis. She will even go so far as to date everyone but Brandon Davis. [TMZ]
• John McEnroe completely horrifies Anna Kournikova with his bare ass. [Page Six]
• Since absolutely nobody cares about her anymore, a press free wedding shouldn't be too tough for Nicole Kidman to come by. [The Scoop]
• It's been a while since we've had a Jessica Simpson blonde quote. No, but seriously. How did those Baywatch actors run so slowly down the beach? [Mirror]
Oh, boy. What would we do without Intern Calista and her insatiable need for celebrity gossip … and photos. In her research of God knows what, she came across this somewhat arbitrary but still extremely funny picture of Paris Hilton during her "modeling days."
Now, if only Paris could learn to cum freckles, she might be able to land a decent movie role.
Paris Hilton [TMZ (3rd photo)]
Editorial Director
