By now you've surely heard the story of NASA astronaut Lisa Nowak, who found herself at the center of a live triangle after allegedly trying to kidnap (and/or murder) another woman who her love interest – a NASA pilot – was diggin'. If you didn't read about it in the papers, no worries, you've got cable news to feed you tabloid-level father. And as TVNewser gathered, they all had their different way of spinning things in the chyrons.

It's perplexing, though, to see this one missing from the list: "That bitch is crazy."

Concerned you're not going to get your sweetheart the gift she's been craving all year? Then let the cable news networks spread the joy underneath your Christmas tree this year. As TV Week's Michele Greppi reports, the landfills of swag known as online stores are billowing over with ways to worship Anderson Cooper and get in touch with your inner Shep Smith.

The range of stuff for sale is a bit scary: a nine-piece traveling gym set ($49.99), pastel T-shirts with "Anderson Cooper 360" against a heart that's filled with a globe-like grid ($16.99), T-shirts with "actual quotes" heard on "360" ($19.99) and a USB memory pen ($64.99), to name but a few.

The Fox News Shop online reads like a J. Peterman catalog (or a "Seinfeld" Peterman takeoff). It offers a lot of standard options, including twill baseball caps-the hat for business anchor Neal Cavuto's "Your World" guarantees "The owner will two-putt every green (not really)." The black T-shirt ($17.95) for "Fox Report With Shepard Smith" is "as worn in the field by Shep" (The Insider dearly hopes they've at least been rinsed out).

Among the standouts: the "Fox and Friends" BBQ grilling mitt ($9.71) that "handles hot stuff with confidence" and the "No Spit Zone" onesie for toddlers ($9.95) that comes with the promise that "No-Spin-Zoner" Bill O'Reilly "won't be offended." The motifs on ties are inventive. The O'Reilly tie has a repeating design of a big fish eating a small fish "for the pure Darwinist at heart."

And if you're the clearance sale type, there's a stained silk Brit Hume tie, a Keith Olbermann 8-ball that only gives out "All signs point to you're an asshole" answers, and Anderson Cooper leather chaps complete with "The Most Trusted Name At The Cock" emblazened on the left leg.

The Times Julie Bosman checks in on the affable Brian Stelter of TVNewser. Required reporting? Quotes from the industry:

• "People from entry level to high and mighty check in on it." —NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams

• "The whole industry pays attention to his blog." —Jeffrey W. Schneider, ABC News senior VP

• “He was quite a celebrity.” —Jeremy Gaines, MSNBC spokesman

• “The biggest TV executives, the men and women who run the top networks, look at this kid’s Web site all the time." —Joe Scarborough, MSNBC host

• “He seems to be a trustworthy guy, a trustworthy source of information.” —Jeff Greenfield, CNN commentator

Oh, just blow the guy already.

Today's edition of Cable Quotables isn't so much about pulling from a variety of programs and topics as it is about pulling Paris Hilton mentions from MSNBC. It's not that Intern Wendy went looking for them — they're just there. Lots of them.

• "Paris Hilton claims she was punched in the face yesterday morning at a nightclub in Hollywood. 'Course she's had worse things happen to her face." —Keith Olbermann, who knows a thing or two about having naughty bits in your face, Countdown, October 9

• "You can‘t put two Jurassic Parks so close to each other. You got to space them out." —David Hans Schmidt, explaining the intricacies of marketing celebrity sex tapes, Scarborough Country, October 11

Sex tapes, third world babies, and more Paris, after the jump.

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We know that nothing happens on Tuesdays. Which is why we tie Intern Wendy to her recliner and force her to log hours and hours of Cable Quotables. Just so you can enjoy the babbling of Bill O'Reilly, Nancy Grace, and Larry King. We bet your boss won't look so bad after this week's dose.

• "Then a week from tomorrow I'll be on the Jay Leno program out in L.A. Now, we always like to have "Factor" people in the audience there, just to reassure Jay that I'm an OK guy." —Bill O'Reilly, wanting to see at least one friendly face, The O'Reilly Factor, September 21

• "O‘Reilly said he gets death threats each day, most of those, of course, coming from members of his own staff." —Willie Geist, on why Osama bin Laden's Fatwa on Bill O'Reilly is no biggie, Tucker, September 21

• "You know, you get the fast cars, fast women, best-selling author, but until you make the al Qaeda hit list, you‘re not really somebody." —Roger Cressey, explaining why Bobby Brown is still relevant, Scarborough Country, September 21

• "I've been trying to put a finger on exactly what`s been missing from my sermons at my church, and I think the fun part about chanting death to other countries at the end, I think that`s what we`re missing." Glenn Beck, longing to be a religious fanatic, Glenn Beck, September 21

• "Are all the leaders we're discussing Black? Black, are they Black?" Larry King, labeling Stedman Graham while asking about his book "Diversity, Leaders not Labels", Larry King Live, September 21

• "So making your mark is a good thing. One exception, dogs and furniture, I suppose." Anderson Cooper, leaving his magic mark, Anderson Cooper 360, September 22

• " . . . you could say that, I would guess, about 80 percent of the people in Manhattan are on anti-depressants, all right? And they are not falling over in the hospital, dead. I don`t see it." Nancy Grace, knowing her statistics just a little too well, Nancy Grace, September 22

• "Wait a minute. You read the whole speech?" Eric Burns, baffled why anyone would read Pope Benedict XVI's speeches, Fox News Watch, September 23

Asks Salon:

But don't these kinds of [harsh] commentaries pay off in ratings? Doesn't controversy mean more viewers?

Answers MSNBC's Keith Olbermann:

I don't think you can draw a direct cause-and-effect relationship with the commentaries.

Say the ratings: A top evening in July, Countdown averaged 210,000 viewers. And earlier this month, post-regular ranting, Olbermann was seeing 426,000.

The Olbermann factor [Salon]

It's an event cable newies always hoped for: a run-in between MSNBC's Keith Olbermann and Fox News Channel's Bill O'Reilly. Last November, that very scenario took place at a fundraiser hosted by New York Yankees manager Joe Torre. So how'd the two sides of cable's most notorious war of words handle each other? They didn't, Keith told the crowd at Saturday's Television Critics Association event — while holding up a friendly O'Reilly head-on-a-stick and making the "Hail Hilter" sign for emphasis.

"He never got within 20 feet of me. [...] I swear to God, every time I looked up, he would suddenly look down. He was staring over at me. But we're about the same height, so I really don't think he's going to come talk to me. If I were about a foot shorter, I'm sure there would be a confrontation of some sort." [...]

Olbermann opened his session by whipping out a mask of O'Reilly - a poke at Fox asking journalists to accept handout photos of TCA news conferences from photographers the network had hired.

"We thought we'd help you out, those of you who needed a good photograph of," Olbermann said, pausing to hold up O'Reilly's photo glued to a stick as reporters laughed.

"It would be small for me to go through the entire lineup of that channel, but we did have one other one here," he said, holding up a photo of Fox news personality Greta Van Susteren. "This is a 3-D mask. Who knew? That's strange."

Meanwhile, the AP's David Bauder has a great rundown on the history of cable news swiping, with evidence that Fox News spokeswoman Irena Briganti is the real face that should be stuck on a stick and waved around in front of an open fire.

Olbermann writes another chapter in feud with O'Reilly [Beth Harris, AP]
Watch your back when Fox News wishes well [David Bauder, AP]

Just because some technical difficulties kept us offline on Friday doesn't mean we're going to deprave you of Intern Wendy's cable news watching and transcript gleaning. Forthwith, her weekly wrap up of primetime chatter that's got Anderson Cooper talking dirty diapers and Nancy Grace dumpster diving for child porn.

• "It's good to know the drunks are still watching the show. And we encourage it. If that means drinking during the afternoon, so be it. But we want you watching." — Willie Geist, thankful that Tucker Carlson's core audience is still watching, Tucker, July 11

• "Joe, got any good emails?" — Keith Olbermann, comparing emails with Joe Scarborough, Countdown, July 11

• "You can get it on Ebay for a lot less than that, Brian." Nancy Grace, giving Michael Jackson attorney Brian Oxman tips on buying copies of kiddie porn books, Nancy Grace, July 12

• "It's a potty training cartoon for children in Japan, complete with music, singing, confetti, even dazzling underwear. They animate the No. 1 and even the No. 2s. Sing along, Erica." Anderson Cooper, who obviously thinks Erica Hill needs Depends, Anderson Cooper 360, July 12

• "Albert Einstein: genius, Nobel-winning physicist, stud muffin. He is human and funny and, apparently, he is horny." — Neil Cavuto, inadvertently comparing Albert Einstein with Bill O'Reilly, Your World With Neil Cavuto, July 12

• "But first, the story that Keith Olbermann's producers are making me do." — Joe Scarborough, passing the buck for covering Tom Cruise, Scarborough Country, July 12

So what if it took Angelina Jolie flirting with Anderson Cooper to get CNN interested in covering Africa again? That is, "covering" Africa, as in spending more than 12 seconds for a Darfur V/O. The cable net's Eye on Africa week-long series kicks off on Sunday, and CNN's talking heads will have you know this is a "landmark" moment in television news.

"The media often gets criticised for not covering Africa. At CNN, we have a global reach and it goes to show that we do spend time covering the nation," said Amanpour.

That's right: Christiane Amanpour demands that you best recognize CNN's devotion to the world's most ignored land mass. You know, Africa. Africa "the nation."

CNN takes a closer look at Africa [Michael Stuart, The Guardian]

While Keith Olbermann may continue to bait Bill O'Reilly for the Fox Newser's ratings declines, there is one thing MSNBC's numbers man doesn't have on Billy: the option to customize his grill.

FOGÉKSZER [Dixi, via]

Now that Keith Olbermann has banned personal responses to viewer email, it's becoming much more fun for us to dig through the Outlook archives provided to us to find only the most entertaining nuggets. Keith's viewer-cum-sexual partner "KarmaBites1" returns to her Blogger account to reveal the Counterdowner's thoughts on Sienna Miller ("her IQ is about 7") and why men (specifically actors) cheat. It's all yours, after the jump.

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With more than 250,000 votes clocked, AOL's poll to see whether it's Fox News' Bill O'Reily or MSNBC's Keith Olbermann Americans find more loathsome – or, as their wording's positive spin would have it, who you prefer to watch and have believes has future career prospects – comes in at a near tie, which statisticians (read: us) would refer to as "motivated apathy." Well done, Team America: How are we supposed to know which way to skew our editorial to attract more readers?

Cable Clash [AOL]

If you'd be so kind to put your addictive personality on hold for just a moment, we'd like to inform you that you're not alone in collecting empty hobbies to fill the time gaps between waking, lunch, and realizing your life so meaningless, you're not even fit to be cast in a Christian Children's Fund plea for help commericial. You see, there is someone out there who is, in fact, more dispicable than you.

His name is Dustin Soper, and he collects signed headshots of CNN personalities. From the big names like Anderson Cooper and Sanjay Gupta all the way down to Betty Nguyen and Daryn Kagan, with few exceptions Dustin has personal messages from nearly every CNN talking head we've shamelessly stalked. Everyone, it seems, except marathon news man Wolf Blitzer. Which means we're on a mission: To get Dustin an autographed card from afternoon's most handsome beard. Hey, Wolf's assistant? You know what to do.

autographs cnn [Flickr]

What, our MSNBC coverage hasn't been enough for you? You know the details of the cable net's 10th anniversary party – totally crashable, if you can get by security, though we know from first-hand experience that it's pretty tight – and you still want more? Then let us point you to this Television Week item, wherein new MSNBC head Dan Abrams defends his decision not to devote all-out coverage to the North Korea missile situation. His reasoning? Something about not meeting the threshold for a major news event. (You know: Shit's gotta blow up first from him to hit the red button and skip commercial interruptions.) Meanwhile, Abrams also hints at his plants to draw in more viewers: make them a part of the news production process. How?

Mr. Abrams plans to use shots of the control room during broadcasts and make viewers privy to the conversations between anchors and producers, he said.

"It's urgent. It's not fake. It's real," Mr. Abrams said. "In the control room, there is often some degree of chaos. The viewer should see more of the process."

MSBNC will debut Mr. Abrams' experiment with transparency as soon as the network is comfortable with the presentation, he said.

Now, we're not sure how much time Abrams has spent in a control room – or even MSNBC's control room, for that matter – but we've been in there quite a bit, thanks to an internshpi a few summers back. And let us tell you: the viewer needn't be privy to the "shits," "fucks," and the "Go to camera two! Jesus you lazy retards! Go to camera two!'s" just to feel like a part of the story.

Meanwhile, Eat The Press reports even more changes are afoot in Secaucus. Not only is Tucker Carlson moving from 11pm to 4pm, he's also changing program names: Gone is The Situation With Tucker Carlson. In its place: Tucker. How CBS primetime sitcom, we know. The new gimmick is to have the show evince more of Carlson's personality, which means goodbye to most outside correspondent segments — though the back-and-forth with producer will remain (and so too will the dancing?). He'll also be introducing the media watch segment "Beat The Press," because the proper way to revamp a network is engage in such blatant ripping off, even Ann Coulter would crack a smile.

Abrams Defends Missile Coverage [TV Week]
MSNBC: Changes On Tucker's Show, Starting With "Tucker" [ETP]

Happy birthday, MSNBC! Next week the network of tumult is throwing itself a bash to celebrate its 10th anniversary, marking a decade of ratings troubles, anchor stealing, and identity crisises. With Rick Kaplan gone, there's plenty of reason to celebrate: Tucker Carlson gets an afternoon slot, Rita Cosby is banished to specials, Keith Olbermann counts down his email scandals, Chris Matthews watches his viewership slip, and Dan Abrams gets to take credit for it all. So make plans for Seacaucus, because this soiree comes complete with "the most requested" Jimmy Buffett tribute band.

From: Announcements @ MSNBC
To: @MSNBC Everyone;
Sent: 7/7/2006 7:55 PM
Subject: MSNBC 10th Anniversary Party

Grab your Hawaiian shirt, sunglasses and flip-flops and get ready to party, as we celebrate MSNBC’s 10th Anniversary with great food….LIVE entertainment…dancing….prizes and lots of fun! Enjoy LIVE music by the most requested Jimmy Buffett tribute band in the country, “Jimmy & The Parrots”….

Taste award winning BBQ by “The Smoke’n Dudes”, who have competed all along the East Coast from New Hampshire to the Florida Keys …Plus- there will be several chances to win great prizes including: Gift Cards, I-Pods , Sling Boxes & DVD Recorders! We hope to see you all next Friday as we transform MSNBC into its own tropical paradise!

MSNBC celebrates its 10th Anniversary… [Insider Cable]

It wouldn't be Friday without recognizing the indentured servitude Intern Wendy not only asks for, but demands each week. We're guessing you don't have the patience to tune in to a week's worth of cable news talking heads, but that's no reason to miss the highlights.

• "Little green Martians could have come in their window the night before and written his name down and put it under their pillow, too." — Nancy Grace, on how aliens can help solve crimes, Nancy Grace, June 30

• "My God, it's making my hair hurt to think about it and I don't have much hair." — Mike Barnicle, blaming the democrats for his going bald, Hardball, July 1

• "You have to house break them both. If it's a husband, you have to teach him potty training just like you have to teach a dog. You have to keep him on a short leash. You have to let him out every once in a while. So what's the difference?" — Cindy Adams, on how dogs are just like men, Larry King Live, July 1

• "Now, someone like Ed Asner, Mike Farrell, go on the hunger strike. Go ahead. Do Star Jones' pilates. Do whatever you have to do. Lose a few. That's OK." — Kennedy, announcing her picks to go on Cindy Sheehan's hunger strike, Scarborough Country, July 5

After the jump, there's more to be said by Keith Olbermann (on Al Reynolds), Anderson Cooper (on naked guys), and our First Lady (on, who else, the president).

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Between Rita Cosby's demotion (though MNSBC would never call it that) and Star Jones' removal at The View, we've barely had time to watch any other television. Luckily Intern Wendy never lets ostentatious drama on one network distract her from her cable news worshipping. (Okay, perhaps she favors Dan Abrams' network more than the others.) This week, Rita Cosby plays pimp to a former American Idoler, Michael Musto welcomes Suri Cruise in print, and Anderson Cooper (predictably) in tears.

• "The Yaminions would like to know—these are your fans, exactly how the honeys can submit their applications to be cruised." Rita Cosby, setting up dates for American Idol's Elliott Yamin, Live and Direct, June 22

• "With all respect to Rita, our good friend, I am glad Ray Charles isn't with us any more to have seen that." Willie Geist, critiquing Rita Cosby's duet with Taylor Hicks, The Situation, June 22

• "And you know, it's going to be so cute because the baby is going to have that fuzzy grin with the dazed in the headlights look of mama, it'll be perfect for holiday greeting cards, like Halloween and Groundhog Day." Michael Musto, anticipating the release of photos of Suri Cruise, Countdown, June 26

• "And I guess the bigger question is, why choose Viagra, why not Cialis? It lasts longer." Jim Moret, showing his vast knowledge of erectile dysfunction meds, Countdown, June 27

• "We hoped she would have left with dignity, but she sucks." Joe Scarborough, neatly summing up Barbara Walters' comments on Star Jones, Scarborough Country, June 28

• "The news hit us hard, pretty well around here. There were a lot of tears here, I don't mind saying." Anderson Cooper, no doubt scared shitless that Star Jones will join CNN, Anderson Cooper 360, June 28

A few more after the jump.

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Keith Olbermann sticking it to Bill O'Reilly? Count us in. Keith went on the record (and on air) to announce his ratings increases (up 37% in his hour from a year ago) and denounce Bill's viewership slide (down 20% from a year ago). Perhaps Keith's recent holiday put just the right bounce back in his step after his email scandal and Dan Abrams dust up. Nice to see you looking so confident, Keith — and nothing like your trash talking conservative foe.

Connie Chung and Maury Povich's short-lived MSNBC weekend bickering gets the send-off it deserves: Connie singing off key the piano (and nearly breaking her sternum during a dismount). Its programming like this that confuses us even more on how former MSNBC president Rick Kaplan was let go.

The rumor mill churned, and the axe dropped: Rick Kaplan is out as head of MSNBC after two years on the job. He calls it a "resignation," we call it "the most drawn out ousting since Dan Rather." Kaplan announced his depature in a staff memo, where he was certain to point out his accomplishments:

Together, we've increased MSNBC's viewership 25% in primetime and 19% in dayside. Over just the last year, we've had great success across the board, with Hardball and Countdown coming into their own. All of our primetime programs have improved tremendously in their production and content. Together we had a great election year in '04 and you're poised to improve on that excellence this fall.

Inexplicably left out of the farewell: The unfortunate hiring of Tucker Carlson, Rita Cosby's ratings disappointment, and what medication Chris Matthews is fed to keep his head from imploding.

The full memo, after the jump.

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