Like codebreakers attempting to find logical patterns out of the random jumble of numbers and symbols, Correspondent Wendy struggles to find a common thread in this week's Cable Quotables. Unfortunately, that's sometimes easier said than done. "This is one of those weeks where it's hard to find a 'theme,'" writes Wendy. "Does the fact that they're all nuts count?" For our purposes? Absolutely.
• "He did everybody a solid and he skipped the party, and went off into the woods to unload a few rounds into Blitzen." Christian Finnegan, explaining why Dick Cheney skipped the White House Christmas party, Countdown, December 5
"I didn't need to know that Joe Scarborough causes rashes," writes Correspondent Wendy. "Or that Alan Colmes has some sick Santa fantasy going on and Keith Olbermann's privates should stay that way." Needless to say, today's theme? Too much information. And, as Wendy puts it, "If I don't need a lifetime of therapy after putting this together, it'll be a miracle."
• "I don’t know a damned thing about this, and I’m glad." Joe Scarborough, proving ignorance is bliss (or at least hefty a paycheck!) Morning Joe, November 29
Rough week? Relax, it's Friday! So kick your heels up, take an extended lunch break and allow Correspondent Wendy to momentarily distract you from that black abyss you call a "day job." According to Wendy, the theme of today's Cable Quotables is "What We've learned." Among the revelations? Why Bill Wolff earns the big bucks at MSNBC (web surfing), what Tucker Carlson does in Vegas (re-enacting the 12 Days of Christmas) and what Anderson Cooper dreams of (diving into a mosh pit). Need we say more?
• "Where do you get maids-a-milking? One word: Vegas." Tucker Carlson, the voice of experience, Tucker, November 26
For every question there is an answer, and for every answer another question is born. And, according to Correspondent Wendy, today's column addresses a very important hypothetical question indeed, namely "What would happen if a closeted news anchor and a conservative blowhard from the same network interviewed each other? Since," as Wendy explains, "we couldn't get Shepard Smith and Bill O'Reilly, I give you Anderson Cooper and Glenn Beck." Which leaves us with only one question: Why?
• “I believe I personally negatively impacted the state of Tennessee when I sobered up.” Glenn Beck, shouldering the blame for the recent decline in Jim Beam's stock price, Glenn Beck, November 21
Sometimes, less is more. So when Correspondent Wendy wrote, "These quotes are so goofy, I really couldn't think of anything to add," we thought it over for a few minutes. Then ultimately decided, neither could we.
• "But why shouldn't I be able to say who you sleep with?” Tucker Carlson, awkwardly fantasizing about his guest (Pat Buchanan's) sex life, Tucker, November 15
• "Should we shut down all the gay bars?” Pat Buchanan, preemptively planning to cover his tracks, Tucker, November 15
Today is one of those days' where Cable Quotables has an inadvertently educational theme. "I learned so much by putting today's column," agrees Wendy, who coyly refuses to elaborate insisting, "It's pretty self explanatory." Not to us! Unless, of course, she's referring to the part where Bill O'Reilly shares his views on legalized marijuana, Tucker Carlson reminds us of the importance of sharing and Joel McHale explains why puppy patrol is coming for Britney's Yorkie.
With the writer's strike steadily gaining momentum every passing day, we're getting increasingly worried about the future of our favorite form of mindless entertainment. Fortunately, nothing short of a full-scale halt in production can stop our favorite curmudgeonly cable pundits! And, as far as Bill O'Reilly, Tucker Carlson and Keith Olbermann are concerned, the show must go on. "Today's column gets the holiday season rolling," observes Correspondent Wendy. Because, as she notes, "nothing says 'Peace on Earth' quite like cannibalism, bondage, and Vaughniston."
• “You know, I’m going to cry. You’re going to make me cry.” Bill O’Reilly, still visibly shaken over the infamous Jennifer Aniston/Vince Vaughn breakup, The O’Reilly Factor, November 8
"You know," writes Correspondent Wendy, "I was so worried that with the writers strike, Nancy Grace on maternity leave, and the Rosie O'Donnell deal falling apart, that I wouldn't have enough material for the column." Fortunately, this story has a happy ending! "Silly me," she adds a moment later. "As long as Bill O'Reilly is out there, I'm set for good."
• “As long as the vampires aren’t anti-American, I don’t care.” Bill O’Reilly, giving props to the other blood-suckers, The O’Reilly Factor, November 5
• “You know, while Lucy Elizabeth was quite small, she came into the world screaming and yelling, and she`s going to give Nancy a real run for her money.” David Linch, happy to see that Nancy Grace’s newborn baby is already taking after her mom, Nancy Grace, November 5
Today is a very special day for our tireless Intern Wendy who, after two years of loyal service, has finally earned her reporter's badge and will henceforth be known as Correspondent Wendy. So what's in store for her first Cable Quotables column as an official contributor?
"Tucker Carlson's been dreaming about knives attacking his manhood, Bill O'Reilly's dreaming that Papaya King is the new Michael's, and Willie Geist is fantasizing about how being electrocuted might be marginally better than working at MSNBC." In other words, today's theme is "sick fantasies." Although as Intern Correspondent Wendy is quick to point out, "the more things change, the more they stay the same."
How easy is it to go from being a forgettable Christian radio host and Top 40 DJ to signing a five-year deal worth $50 million to continue hosting your own conservative cable talk show? Apparently, very!
And so, in the interest of jogging your memories and ours, we've decided to peruse the archives of Cable Quotables and take a look back at some of the valuable contributions that millionaire pundit Glenn Beck has made to the cultural stratosphere. Read on, then ask yourselves one very important question:
Seriously?
On this unexpectedly nice/warm autumn day, those in the know have flocked over to Madison Square Park for the surprisingly still-open Shake Shack. Being creatures of habit, however, we're stuck eating crappy salad from the deli next door. But onto bigger and better things! For instance, today's theme. According to Intern Wendy, it's "Things that scare the crap out of you." Which is sort of like every week! Today's examples, says Wendy, include "Britney Spears' kids being destined for reform school; Heather Mills not taking her meds; and Larry King trying to figure out the weirdness that is Criss Angel." Also scary: Clowns.
It's late on a Tuesday afternoon and it's a sad day in Jossip Headquarters. Little Intern Wendy was unable to find a theme to tie together today's edition of Cable Quotables! Devastating, we know. And just as we were about to lose hope, suddenly a common thread appeared. Could it be?? Yes, a unifying factor—other than the fact that all these people are crazy. It took unspeakable amounts of caffeine, but finally we've got it: People Who Should Never, Ever Procreate. You can't win them all, Wendy.
• "I can’t fathom this. I’m here on a Friday night talking about Britney Spears, so my legal career has obviously reached a new low." Bernie Grimm, admitting he's no better than a glorified ambulance chaser, On the Record, October 26
• "How many acts of terrorism have Methodists from Texas committed lately?" Tucker Carlson, looking for the next big jihad, Tucker, October 26
We were totally just about to write a thought provoking intro to this Friday's drizzly edition of Cable Quotables, but it seems Intern Wendy's already beaten us to the punch. "The theme," she writes, "Things that make you go, "Hmmm." Like, are smiling mugshots better than snarly ones? Which demonic twin will Nancy Grace birth first? And what's up with Peppermint Patty…is she gay, bi, or a tranny? I always wondered about Marcie calling her 'sir.'" Us too! Good grief. Thank God it's Friday…
• "I have two little shirts. One says, 'I was here first,' and the other one says, 'No, I was here first. We`ll see.'” Nancy Grace, apparently underestimating the need for daily shirt-changes, Nancy Grace, October 22
• "If you can smile during a mug shot like that, you‘re kind of my hero." Tucker Carlson, on why he loves Kid Rock, sociopaths, Tucker, October 22
On this uncharacteristically warm Autumn day, the last thing you really want to be doing is sitting in your 5×9 cubicle and dreaming about the great outdoors. So distract yourself by reading about people even more claustrophobic than you! According to Intern Wendy, the theme for today's Cable Quotables is restating the obvious. Or as Wendy puts it, "My fave comment is Nancy Grace's one about her babies 'clawing to get out.' I wonder if her birthing will be like those Alien movies??? Now, that'd be a Pay-Per-View event in the making!" It certainly would! In the meantime, however, there's this.
• “Well, the cameramen go out — they go out and they find women who would like to go wild.” Joe Francis, explaining the hidden intricacies of that whole Girls Gone Wild thing, On the Record, October 17
• “Well, I'm worried about the super bug, and there's no better place to get it than off the bathroom floor.” Nancy Grace, oversharing about her bathroom hygiene (or lack thereof), Nancy Grace, October 17
It's Friday, you're tired (and sort-of cranky) and you certainly don't have the patience for reading through another Cable Quotables intro. And we totally hear you. So since Intern Wendy can't contain her excitement, we'll cut right to the chase! This week, Nancy Grace incorrectly assumes her spawn will be dateable, Bill O'Reilly does a terrible job at promoting literature and Joel McHale saves us the suspense and tells us what's going to happen to Ellen DeGeneres and her mangy mongrel. We hope you're happy.
• "Hey, I'm not even answering the door until these twins are 18." Nancy Grace, putting her unborn babies on house-arrest, Nancy Grace, October 15
• "This is not a book for the dim child.” Bill O’Reilly, suggesting that his target demographic find something else for their leisure reading, The O’Reilly Factor, October 16
Today's Cable Quotables couldn't come at a better time! We were just thinking how nice it would be to run out and get an iced hazelnut coffee, then sip it slowly and luxuriously while surfing the internets, avoiding our boss' IM's and trying not to think about all the work we should be doing instead. In any event, Intern Wendy describes today's theme as "capitalism gone crazy." We think it's more like "Dude, how frickin' shady is that billionaire nutcase who owns Virgin Airlines??" Then again, we're all hopped up on caffeine, so what do we know?
• "That's right, $25,000 for a brand-new, newborn baby boy. And plus, you can actually get it named after the highest bidder right there on the formal, official birth certificate!" Nancy Grace, hoping goldenpalace.com will buy her twins, Nancy Grace, October 9
• "When I decide to sell the twins on the street, I'm going it hire you to defend me." Nancy Grace, meticulously planning what will happens if when goldenpalace.com DOES buy her twins, Nancy Grace, October 9
Happy Friday, everyone. Well, Halloween is just around the corner, so it's only fitting that Intern Wendy described today's Cable Quotables theme as "things that care the living crap outta ya." Examples, say Wendy, include "Nancy Grace stripping; Tucker Carlson being horny; Dan Abrams thinking about size." Yep, "Little Shop of Horrors" almost seems like an understatement.
• “So how important is the size? Evander‘s looks bigger.” Dan Abrams, wondering what else is big about Evander Holyfield besides his grill, MSNBC Live, October 4
• “Every time we start the theme music to our show, 8:00 o'clock sharp Eastern, they start a sock hop in my tummy. Every single night. They love that music. I'm going to play it for them when they finally get here.” Nancy Grace, proving once again that her show caters towards those with only partial brain functionality, Nancy Grace, October 4
After hours of listening to the construction workers drill a giant hole outside our office for seemingly no reason whatsoever, we were starting to wish we'd remembered to bring the travel Advil we keep in our purse. And just when we thought all was lost, Intern Wendy gave us the perfect (temporary) distraction: an extra special Britney-centric installment of Friday's Cable Quotables. Says Wendy, "Britney's even being discussed on Dr. Phil today. I guess the only shows that aren't covering it are Meet the Press and This Old House. And let's not forget M*A*S*H.
• “I have three kids! Of course I drink! I drink nonstop!” Bernie Grimm, letting everyone know what he and Britney Spears have in common, On the Record, October 2
• “I was surprised when the judge put the custody into the hands of Lindsay Lohan.” Dennis Miller, recommending a more suitable guardian for Sean and Jayden Federline, The O’Reilly Factor, October 3
Initially, Intern Wendy was left scratching her head and wondering whether today's semiweekly installment of Cable Quotables had any cohesiveness. Then she thought a little harder and proclaimed "If there's a 'theme' this time out, it's that Kevin Federline's biggest life achievement is making Britney Spears look insane." Close, Wendy. But we think you actually meant that Britney's biggest life achievement was making K-Fed look almost functional by comparison. Either way, we can all agree that neither one will be winning any Parenting Of The Year accolades.
• "You could just grease that pig up and you know—have you ever been to one of those things, like at a state fair or county fair where they, like, grease up the pig and you’ve got to run around, trying to get the pig? [Pause] They probably don’t grease up the pig there in Connecticut.” Anderson Cooper, contemplating a good roll in the mud, Anderson Cooper 360, September 27
• “I should just point out, though, I am a Jeopardy champion. Just throwing there out there.” Anderson Cooper, answering the question "What is a show-off?", Anderson Cooper 360, September 28
It's a somewhat humid but mostly nice day. And in any event, who cares, because it's Friday! So what's today's Cable Quotables underlying theme? "Fear, and the many forms it takes," writes Intern Wendy. "Wacko Iranian dictators, Bill O'Reill, Nancy Grace giving birth…It makes Saw III look like the Care Bears in comparison. The terrorists are truly among us." Oh, the horror.
• "You know, the other day, during a sonogram, I was very afraid. I thought I saw another one in there . . . But I'm happy to report tonight there are just two.” Nancy Grace, on the only thing scarier than her giving birth to twins, Nancy Grace, September 24
• "You know what? I student-taught before I got in law school. There was absolutely zero sexual tension.” Nancy Grace, bemoaning the fact that nobody was “hot for teacher” when she was the instructor, Nancy Grace, September 24
