With O.J. Simpson back in the news, it's only natural that his former fairweather friend Kato Kaelin would come out to support him grab another fifteen minutes of fame. "I feel sorry for Anderson Cooper," writes Intern Wendy. "The return of Kato Kaelin from oblivion is enough to make anyone hit the bottle…even if all you can get is TheraFlu." We feel the exact same way. Except for us, it's all about the Robitussin.
• "I'm coming up there! You and me in the Bellagio, forget about it! We’re crazy!” Kato Kaelin, looking to mooch off of Greta Van Susteren now that O.J. Simpson's heading for the clink, On the Record, September 18
• “But he — right, he needs more Katos in his life.” Dan Abrams, on how a freeloading houseguest could totally turn OJ Simpson’s life around, MSNBC Live, September 18
"I'm enjoying this abundance of material while I can," writes Intern Wendy. "Once Nancy Grace gives birth and Britney goes off to a prolonged rehab, I may have to retire the column!" But for now, it's a veritable schmorgasboard, kids! So read up and enjoy it while you can.
• “Why don’t we teach dogs how to put condoms on?” Dennis Miller, offering a modernized take on Bob Barker's "pet" project, The O’Reilly Factor, September 12
• “So what do we have here…sleepy, lazy, tipsy?” Keith Olbermann, casting the "All Britney" version of the Seven Dwarfs, Countdown, September 12
Another Friday, another Cable Quotables and another beautiful autumn day you wish you were actually outdoors long enough to enjoy. And because the always-thoughtful knows you're in such a hurry to get out of the office today (and because she accidentally-on-purpose forgot to hit "Record,") she's generously saved you the trouble of rifling through the incoherent ramblings of Joe Scarbarough and fast-forwarded you straight to the bona fide crazytalk of preggers nutso Nancy Grace.
• "There’s nothing sexier than a Russian washer/dryer set." Tucker Carlson, sharing his secret infatuation with St. Petersburg linens, Tucker, September 12
• "I tell you what, they must be little crime fighters because they really go crazy during this show. They sleep all day, but the minute we start talking about crime, they go berserk, Keisha, berserk." Nancy Grace, trying to convince herself she's not giving birth to twin homicidal maniacs, Nancy Grace, September 12
• "You know what? I just want them to be healthy. But I do know statistically boys are more likely to end up in juvenile detention. So I`m concerned about that. But you know what? I'll burn that bridge when I get there." Nancy Grace, Nancy Grace, planning tomorrow today, September 12
CNN described Britney's VMA's performance by saying she looked like "she was sloshing blindfolded through mud." TMZ put it more succinctly, featuring a post of Spears tottering unsteadily in her sparkly but ill-fitting bikini under the caption "Britney's Career: 1998-2007."
And, not surprisingly, the opinionated tv pundits had a few post-performance thoughts of their own. This week, as always, it fell on poor Intern Wendy's shoulders to sort through all the muck, though was on hand to sort through the muck. Her findings, after the jump.
We like simplicity. In fact, once or twice in (overheard) conversation we've even heard ourselves politely referred to as being "on the simple side." So naturally, we were pleased when Intern Wendy told us that the Friday edition of Cable Quotables would be relatively uncomplicated. "Today's column has a simple theme," she confesses. "Anderson Cooper goes nuts." Short, pithy, succinct. What better way to describe a completely heterosexual silver haired gent with pale skin, forearm envy and a firm grasp of the nuclear arms race?
• "Sex, lies and audiotape. Who says politics is boring?” Anderson Cooper, on what he loves most about election year, Anderson Cooper 360, September 5
• "That’s one of those things where it’s like, 'D’oh! The nukes are missing. Yikes!'" Anderson Cooper, wishing Homer Simpson were in charge, Anderson Cooper 360, September 5
Today, a well-rested Intern Wendy (perhaps still grumpy over last week's debacle) modestly describes her Cable Quotables roundup as "slim pickings." Not so! In fact, she's done a marvelous job of capturing Nancy Grace's hormonal angst, Bill Wolff's animal "expertise," Tucker Carlson's true feelings on Britney Spears' oft-exposed crotch region and Mark Geragos' views on tawdry lavatory sex. So enjoy!
(NOTE: This dish served best with a pinch of irreverence and a sprinkle of "Seriously, WTF are these people still doing on television?")
• "Oh, they are something. They're cooking hot tamales again tonight." Nancy Grace, on how her unborn twins are already going through their "rebellious phase," Nancy Grace, August 30
• "I‘m not going to call that wrong." Tucker Carlson, fervently defending Britney Spears’ right to go commando, Tucker, August 30
"Congratulations for making my life hell the past few days," writes a (sort-of) joking Intern Wendy. "Thanks to Jossip's coverage of Tucker Carlson, I had to rewrite my entire column for today. It's enough to make me ask for a raise," she sighs, adding, "if I were getting paid in the first place." Oh, Wendy. Such a kidder…
• "Nasty, bad, naughty boy, that is the single gayest thing I have ever heard a senator say ever. That is redolent of gayness." Tucker Carlson, showing off his gay-dar, Tucker, August 28
• "You just did a foot move there, Tucker." Pat Buchanan, wondering if anything's "afoot" under the table, Tucker, August 28
It's been a busy past couple of days for political pundit Tucker Carlson. Between bragging about beating up a grabby gay in a men's bathroom stall, apologizing for it profusely and then totally trying to take it back, Carlson's been running around in circles as of late, trying to appease the throngs of knee-jerk liberals who apparently took his gay-bashing comments way out of context.
But what most people forget is that Tucker Carlson has been afflicted with incurable foot-in-mouth disease long before he was ever mentally "accosted" by a same-sex bathroom dweller. So in honor of his latest controversy, we've gone back into the archives of time (by which we mean past issues of Cable Quotables") and rounded up a sampling of some of his most memorable remarks in a segment we're calling, "Best Of The Bow-Tie: Tucker Carlson's Greatest Hits."
And if you think Carlson hates gays, you don't even want to get him started on how he feels about fat people. The complete list, after the jump.
It's hot, humid and sort-of cloudy outside. Our air-conditioner's on the fritz, blasting out sporadic puffs of freezing cold air then inexplicably shutting off for an afternoon nap. We tried drinking a Red Bull to perk up but it turns out without vodka mixed in, it kinda tastes like crap. Which means it's time for today's Cable Quotables! This time, Intern Wendy easily ties everything with a unifying factor, saying simply "Nancy Grace's pregnancy is the best gift Jossip ever had." Well, not counting the shower-radio.
• "I don't know about you, but every time I go for a drive, I always take my mallet. Got to have a mallet. Definitely need a carload of diapers, some of them soiled, in the back seat. And where would any of us be without our trusty buck knife? Got to have on of these, much less got to have a BB gun. Got to have a BB gun for a long drive." Nancy Grace, on what road trips will be like for her twins, road trip, Nancy Grace, August 24
• "Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, it`s all about me.” Nancy Grace, stating the obvious, Nancy Grace, August 24
As the week winds down and we slowly slip into "weekend mode" (something that generally involves wearing short-shorts and consuming copious amounts of libations) it's nice to take a moment or two and completely zone out reflect on the more poignant thoughts articulated by our favorite tv pundits. So let Intern Wendy take you on a stroll down memory lane. We promise you'll never look at Anderson Cooper the same way again.
• "Very quickly, if you are a working stripper, someone who takes their clothes off for a living, and you are supporting Ron Paul, we want to hear from you. MSNBC, give us a buzz." Tucker Carlson, doing his patriotic duty, Tucker, August 21
• "Yes, if he gets Britney, Lindsay, and Paris, they could maybe try to open a successful liquor store. We do not have any customers, but we are sold out." Joel McHale, previewing Donald Trump’s "Celebrity Apprentice," Countdown, August 20
"I screwed up the password for today's column," Intern Wendy apologized earlier today.
"My excuse?" she continued (ignoring the more obvious question of why in the hell CQ has a password in the first place). "I'm suffering from Post Glenn Beck Syndrome. The only thing scarier: Larry King's Star Jones interview."
Truer—and more confusing—words were never spoken.
• "I want to see if you have any legs or anything. Are you confined to a bed? Or do you—I mean, I'm just wondering. Pull back, please. I'm just wondering, do you have a life? Do you go out and do anything?” Glenn Beck, describing the average viewer of his show, Glenn Beck, August 16
• "Too much hair. Too much makeup. Too much jewelry." Star Jones, on what she and hubby Al Reynolds have in common, Larry King Live, August 17
Sigh. Another slow news Friday spent intermittently nodding off and daydreaming about a job that actually has . But wait! Suddenly, a cure for your boredom (or at least a momentary reprieve!) Read on to find out what Bill and Hillary's marriage has in common with a 7/11, what Bill O'Reilly's really thinks of the CIA, and why you'll never think of the Gaza strip the same way again.
• "And you still support them? You still feed them?" Bill O’Reilly, imploring Dennis Miller to starve his kids because they like Jon Stewart better, The O’Reilly Factor, August 15
• "They should have, because that marriage couldn’t be any more about convenience if they installed a Slim Jim rack and a Slurpee machine at the base of their bed." Dennis Miller, on Bill and Hillary Clinton eternal union, The O’Reilly Factor, August 15
"Nancy Grace's pregnancy has been the gift that keeps on giving," writes Intern Wendy. "Because of that, I faced the hardest decision I've had since the column started: What could I possibly add to her insane rantings about breasts, pole dancing, and kiddie vitamins?"
The answer?
"Nothing. Absolutely nothing. So here they are, from her August 9 show about Britney Spears, without comment."
Nancy Grace's unfiltered, crazy-person ramblings, after the jump.
"I've always believed in the power of prayer," writes the ever-hopeful Intern Wendy. "So when I prayed for material for Friday's column, the Lord blessed me with more material than I can put in one column! Between Nancy Grace's parenting hints, Dan Abrams' dirty talk, and Tucker Carlson's inability to sin, I'm going to be putting a $50 in the collection plate on Sunday, instead of the usual five bucks."
Amen to that.
• "Tucker, you will be relieved to know that Lindsay has been returned to captivity after an unsuccessful attempt to reintroduce her into the wild." Willie Geist, putting Lindsay Lohan on the endangered species list, Tucker, August 6
• "It is hard to sin in Utah. I have tried." Tucker Carlson, on why his latest vacation sucked, Tucker, August 6
Today's much-needed dose of Cable Quotables serves as a much-needed reminder that most adults are as petty, mean and cliquish as those bitchy popular girls from high school, except without the traffic-stopping good looks, low tolerance and latent promiscuity. Intern Wendy describes today's theme as "Hatred, rejection and losers," which are typically the first three words that come to mind whenever we think about Star Wars conventions.
• "That convention is a loser fest. I mean, there are hookers who have put an embargo on that convention." The suddenly attractive Dennis Miller, proving once again that, in the land of the blind, the man with one eye is king, The O’Reilly Factor, August 2
• "Here’s a guy who wants to take on the Taliban and he can’t even handle Roger Ailes. How sad, how sad." Joe Scarborough, calling John Edwards a sissy, Morning Joe, August 3
• "The culture is probably working much harder at making little girls want a Bratz doll than a Jesus doll." —John Gibson, realizing that "water into wine" can't compete with dressing like a hooker, The Big Story, August 1
• "News flash people, god is in children and flowers and the morning dew. He is not way up a vagina. OK? Look elsewhere." —Michael Musto, detailing his personal spiritual quest, Countdown, July 31
• "You know, it's odd. I'm on a rooftop, and I don't see any pigeons. Maybe — maybe it's had an effect already. Is it possible?" —Anderson Cooper, sharing his aviary contraceptives knowledge, Anderson Cooper 360, July 31
• "Talk to—have an honest conversation with anybody who has gone on a radical vegetarian diet, and they will tell you they have to remind themselves that sex exists." —Tucker Carlson, on why he'll never go vegan, Tucker, July 31
• "Guns don't kill people. Dogs kill people." —Willie Geist, pimping the NRA, Tucker, August 1
In today's late-breaking edition of Cable Quotables, Intern Wendy finds out what makes the man behind the man in the bow tie tick, and learns more than she ever wanted to know about Tucker Carlson. So read on to hear about everything from Tucker Carlson's secret schoolboy crush to the dearth of muzak to a step-by-step guide for underachievers everywhere. It's a doozy! And anyway, it's free.
• "Actually I‘m going to reveal myself as kind of a sicko. I think the Speaker of the House is kind of a handsome woman. With that, we‘re going to end that before I get myself in trouble. Thank you very much. It‘s great to see you." Tucker Carlson, revealing his one-sided love affair with Nancy Pelosi, Tucker, July 27
• "Did the handcuffs — were they the furry kind?" Tucker Carlson, who likes his bondage warm and fuzzy, Tucker, July 27
• "But to read [Donald Trump's] books? That disqualifies you as a mother right there." Tucker Carlson, finally realizing who's to blame for Dina Lohan’s irresponsible child-rearing, Tucker, July 30
Not feeling particularly motivated today? Join the club! And, while you're at it, distract yourself by reading what a bunch of pissed off pundits have to say. Turns out, they hate bimbos, fat people and Bill O'Reilly. And, as Intern Wendy puts it, "what can you say about a week where Joey Buttafuoco is offering parental advice to troubled teens?" Classic.
• "Jesus, take the wheel and get these bimbos out of the front seat." Michael Musto, recognizing that divine intervention is Lindsay's only hope, Countdown, July 24
• "Point the finger. Don't be afraid. Don't be a wuss. Do it." Joey Buttafuoco, imparting his knowledge of troubled teens to Michael Lohan, Showbiz Tonight, July 25
• "This guy’s Indian name is 'Dances with Facts.'" Dennis Miller, sharing his favorite nickname for Bill O’Reilly, The O’Reilly Factor, July 25
Okay, we know what you're thinking, 'Why,' you wonder, 'should we read Cable Quotables when TMZ has already done 18 (check that, 20!) items on a coked up LiLo, who may or may not have tried to run over her former assistant in a white Denali?'
The answer? Because you can! Because it's what Dina Lohan would have wanted. And because a dangerously inebriated Intern Wendy will chase you around in her 1987 Chrystler LeBaron if you don't. Enjoy!
• "Surfer Girl," Doocy. Learn it. Live it. Know it." Bill O’Reilly, urging Steve Doocy to mellow out, The O’Reilly Factor, July 16
• "A crime so minor that it‘s not even – I mean, you have to remind yourself that it is a crime. So if he double-parked or went into a handicapped zone, would he be apologizing to the American people?" Tucker Carlson, comparing sex with a prostitute to a minor traffic violation, MSNBC Live, July 16
Ever wondered what meal Anderson Cooper fantasizes about, what unsolicited advice an embittered former CBS producer has for Katie Couric, and who's really watching Larry King? Then, come right in! And let Intern Wendy provide you with a refresher course on everything from Katie Couric to bull-fighting to cannibal stew.
• "She's gone from being sort of an exuberant presence to someone who looks like they've been kidnapped and drugged and are making a hostage tape. It has nothing to do with her being a male or female, it's just not comfortable to watch." Mary Mapes, offering Katie Couric a little constructive criticism, Morning Joe, July 17
• "You're—you’re officially a wolf observer now. Or excuse me, you're officially a wolf watcher now. And is that your first wolf?" Doug Smith, getting all the juicy details on Anderson Cooper’s "first time," Anderson Cooper 360, July 12
• "If you see some great videos of some bulls goring people, tell us about it at CNN.com/360," Anderson Cooper, clearly siding against the matadors, Anderson Cooper 360, July 12
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